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Just don't know where to go anymore

LTC
Community Member

The past few years have been rough, I had a great partner and we struggled with fertility for years and after going through the difficulties of IVF for 10 cycles, the pressure and the emotions ruined our relationship which was devastating.

I soon found myself head over heels for what I thought was the perfect girl. She had battles of her own that manifested about 3 months into the relationship and literally just walked away. She came back in and out over a period of 6 months which utterly destroyed me. I had no self confidence left and was in a very low place. I was made aware that she had BPD and having researched it I can identify the patterns - the stupid thing is I still love her because I see the good in her šŸ˜ž

After getting through that, I thought an angel had walked into my life. She shared my passions, she was my best friend. I actually understood how good a relationship can be at that point, after years of misery really. She left me last week, out of the blue. She said she was unhappy but she'd never said anything - we just got back from an amazing holiday. The real pain is that she won't even talk to me, I feel worthless - she told me she loved me the last night she was at home and now I don't know where she is or why she left. I am so shattered, I don't feel like I can go on. I don't know where or what to do. I can't sleep or eat and feel like I'm in a dream.

I've been to the doctor and got some stuff that's supposed to help calm me down but it's not working. It gives me 5 minutes of peace before it rushes back in. I am in such a dark place and I feel so betrayed and alone, I don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I honestly have been hoping that some accident happens to take me out just so I can be at peace and not hurt anymore.

I run a business and I have all these people relying on me right now. I can barely function, I'm letting everyone down. I just want her back, I don't understand what has led to this - it's so cruel

7 Replies 7

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Welcome to the forums, LTC, we're so glad you've taken a big step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here. It's not easy writing the first post, so thank you. 

We're so sorry to hear how difficult things have been for you over the years with your relationships. It sounds like they've each taken a toll on you in different ways but the worthlessnes you've described must be very painful and hard to sit with at times. 

We hope that you find some comfort as our wonderful community members pop by to offer their words of wisdom and kindness. We would also encourage you to speak with one of our counsellors at the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website. MensLine Australia (1300 789 978) is another counselling service that offers emotional support for men that have experienced relationship concerns. 

Please reach out on your therad to let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it. 

LTC
Community Member
Thank you, I've done everything I can to help - reached out, seen the doctor etc I just can't find any way to numb this feeling - it feels like the final straw and I'm not strong enough to go through this again

Guest_1643
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi LTC

that sounds really rough

It's possible you won't know her reasons for a while... but maybe in the future you could get closure. I know it hurts really bad to lose someone, and the change can be dramatic to readjust and restart without that person. Please stay safe but also give yourself time to mourn the loss of this love- being angry and upset is okay. It's really hard. Hopefully each day will be the tiniest bit better.

SarahZ
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hey LTC,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out. I'm really sorry to hear about the difficulties you have faced in your relationships and how this has negatively impacted your self-worth. I can't imagine how devastating it must all have been. I just want you to know that you definitely aren't letting anyone down! Losing someone is exceptionally painful so it's completely understandable going through these emotions of pain and sadness. Especially when you love that person you feel you cannot let go. Although it might feel like you cannot move past this just try and take each day as it comes.In these situations I feel time really does heal people.

You definitely are strong enough! The fact you came onto these forums to be so raw with your emotions shows the courage and bravery you possess. Have confidence in yourself. You will get better. Hopefully more people in this community will share their insights and experiences.

Please reach out whenever you feel up to it!

Wishing you the very best ~

LTC
Community Member
Thanks, it all got too much for me on Tuesday night and I did something really stupid. My family have been really good and supported me. I still kind of wish that I'd be successful, I just feel so tired and numb. I don't have the energy to keep dealing with this.

Guest_3256
Community Member

Hi LTC.

Welcome to the forum and for having the strength and courage for reaching out for support. You are not alone in your experiences, especially in these tough times. What you are experiencing my friend is 'walking on egg shells.' You are with someone who may not have the ability to behavior appropriately or be able to manage their emotions and feelings. People who experience personality disorders may think in very different way. If you do not or no longer benefit them, they do not desire you anymore.

Someone with a personality disorder cannot reason with you, they find faults in your flaws, they do not lift you up and motivate you, they bring your life a roller-coaster ride of negativity, poor impulse control, they blame you for their own issues, they do not love themselves so they do not love you. They love getting attention from you, putting you down to make them selves feel better about their imperfections and making out that you are the fault for why they feel unhappy in life.

There are two types of people - there are mentally healthy people who want to nurture you and there are toxic people who want to ruin your life. People don't just leave a relationship. The only real reason for someone to end their relationship is due to an abusive partner. If it's for ANY other reason - they are toxic, they are unhealthy and this is not your responsibility.

Finally, this is you time to shine. Learn to love yourself and believe in who you are because you deserve to be treated and nurtured in your relationship.

SarahZ
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hey LTC,

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Energy depletion is definitely a real struggle. I can't imagine how exhausting it must feel being so tired constantly. I'm glad to hear that your family have been really supportive. Hopefully you find these forums can provide you some additional support.

Success is definitely something everyone strives for whether it be in relationships, careers, friendships and more. However, success is really how you define it to be. There's honestly no real standard definition of success.

Please update us about your mood whenever you feel up to it. Hopefully the days will get easier. Stay warm, nourished, and hydrated!

Sending you positive thoughts ~