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Jealousy/Anxiety in Relationship
I am usually a very confident person, I really have nothing major to stress about I have a good job, good upbringing etc and a roof over my head.
I also have a loving boyfriend who I love dearly. But lately the past few months I have found myself over anxious of things with my partner.
A few months ago before my partner and I made it “official” in his words he was caught using tinder and chatting sexually to other women. He was really apologetic, never seen a man cry so much and say he was sorry. We had been together for about 5 months already and we spent every moment together and he said he loved me etc but I couldn’t fathom why he could go looking for others. Anyways I forgave him for that, but I have never forgotten. also when we went out or went to festivals if he would get too drunk I’d find him with other women getting cosy everytime I left him to go with my friends.
We now live together and it’s great. I am happy in the aspect and happy when we’re together we laugh and we get along so well and I love him dearly.
But I find when we go out now I get this sick feeling like he may get too drunk, and do the same but he says it’s different now we’re in a relationship and we live together. He always says how much he loves me, and wants to marry me one day and he always says I’m the best thing that could have ever happened to him. The other night we went out and same thing happened as the past. He reckons he’s just being friendly and having fun which I respect but there is a line I believe that shouldn’t be crossed. I have expressed to him on a few occasions how I feel but he thinks I am overreacting.
These sort of things have cause some jealousy in my relationship and it makes me want to push him away cause I just want to be happy and be loved the same way I love. I find once I’ve talked to him about it and had some alone time I’m good and I get over it but sometimes it pops back into my head at random times and it annoys me. I guess my question is, because I do love him dearly and I do see a future with him how do I overcome the jealous/worry feeling when it comes to him? Because I know this will ruin our relationship and I truely want to trust him because I believe he made mistakes in the past but it is different now but my overthinking mind always brings me back to square one. And I don’t like feeling worthless, or not good enough or worried. It’s stressful and I truely want to be happy and overcome this.
Hi and welcome to beyond blue.
Please tell me if I am wrong, but I believe in patterns such that when a pattern is established, you expect it to continue. Here you have trust issues with your boyfriend when in public? In one sense you need something to break the cycle ofvdistrust and start a new cycle of trust?
Now I don't know how cozy cozy is, but your boyfriend also needs to respect your views of acceptable behaviour in public. And with that in mind, and know that you have had conversations with him, but tell him where you are at at the present moment. The other possibility is couple counseling?
I wish that I could give you an answer to make you feel better.
Have you been able to talk to anyone about what your boyfriend does and what they think? Family? Friends?
Anyway, I am listening and if you have to chat some more I am around.
Peace and blessings,
Hi Tim, thanks for your reply.
Thats true. I think because it has happened a couple of times I expect it to keep happening even though I want to believe it won’t. Can you suggest anything on how to creat a new cycle of trust? How would I approach this.
i have spoken to a few, my father believes if someone really respects and loves you they would respect what you say and feel and try and work with you within reason. friends have said “boys will be boys” and that’s how they all are, they will always go after other women etc and you just have to deal with it as long as they come home to you at night.
I have suggested going to see someone to help us, he doesn’t believe we need it as he thinks we’re great. But I want to figure out ways to over come this this is the only reason why I wish to go. Cause it’s toxic for myself and my relationship.
I appreciate your reply, thank you.
Hi again. I am no professional in a counselling sense so I cannot really give you advice, but there are two possibilities from which I am draw on in my time with a psychologist. The first is to try to reframe the though another way. Perhaps along the lines of the
"I am lucky to have this (insert adjectives here) man that other women want, but he is with me instead" (or something along those lines)
The other idea relates to mindfulness, and there is a thread on the forums here about that. It is a way of disengaging with the negative thoughts bringing yourself back to the present moment.
You have also suggested going to someone to help you as a couple, which he did not think was necessary. You could always go and talk to someone yourself, who would walk with you through this matter and help you find a solution, whatever that might be.
Peace and blessings,