its a daily struggle

[MotherDuck]

My partner and I separated while I was pregnant with our youngest (now 8 months old) he came back, left again twice and then 2 weeks before Xmas moved out again. I was behind in rent, had disconnection notices and had Xmas laybys to finalise for 5 kids. He also took the 7 seater car he bought the day after our youngest was born (even though he has a car with all costs covered provided by his work) he's only recently started paying minimal child support.

I have no family close by for support and lately, everything feels like such a struggle. My 2 year old does what 2 year olds do best - tests the boundaries several times a day,  my 8 month old will go to other people but if I try to leave the room (or he can't see me) he screams blue murder. I was once a very fit and active person (daily workouts at the gym) this has come to an abrupt stop since the youngest was born. I've tried leaving him at the gym creche but he won't have it!  

I feel so much anger toward my ex. He still plays sport and does as he pleases.... I have said to him a few times "I don't get time to myself, i have these kids with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no support from anyone" his response was "you do get time to yourself, when they go to bed at night" so my time to myself consists of washing baby bottles, cleaning up after dinner and then going to bed - hoping the younger ones both sleep, rather then waking up several times.

I sometimes feel like a caged lion, trapped, restless and so frustrated. I used to be such a happy, energetic and upbeat person...I look at myself now and often ask myself "where did that person go?"

If you got this far - thanks for taking the time to read this.

[white knight]

Hi MD, welcome to beyond blue forums

Can I be straight?  ok. To be fair he only has to pay minimal child support. Having 5 kids I presume that the child support formula means there is an amount he isnt child supported for then he'd be paying 33% of his salary. A big chunk for someone trying to begin a new life.

Then again, he took the car that you really need. That seems really unfair. Have you been to a family solicitor to arrange a settlement of any assets? Does he think he needs the car for weekends visits/access to the children? eg if he left you with the car there is a chance/risk that you wont lend him the car to transport the children to his place etc. And use of the company car might not be allowed for that purpose????

As for him playing sport and does as he pleases....what do you expect him to do now that he is separated? Perhaps I've misread your post? Do you want a life without the children? As a dad that lost his full time fatherhood I'd take the kids anytime.

OK, I'll try to be determined to help here.  Your statement "I've tried leaving him at the gym creche but he won't have it! ".   Who's the parent making the decisions here? I think your child is. He wont stand for you leaving him there or he wont stand you walking out the door or to another room....thats because he knows you will come back if he cries and yells and screams. Time you looked at your actions.

It isnt fair for you to pay for the lay-bys fully, nor helped you catch up with rent. When my first marriage ended I paid for many things from the sale of a machine. Mortgage for 2 months, credit card paid off and cash for food to help long enough till she got the pension etc. Then I rang the child support and they told me that those payments were BEFORE the application for child support was received by them....no consideration was given. And guess what....my ex wife wouldnt help out in my new costs in another home, a small caravan in a caravan park.

That example was written to you to explain one thing- there is two sides to a story. Your ex seems from your viewpoint, to be unfair and cruel towards you, but you dont see things from his view point.

There is no mention of relationship counselling. With 5 children it might be too late now. Nevertheless you can try.

Good luck.    Tony  WK

[will_never_love_again]

Hello Mother Duck,

Welcome 🙂 

I too, am new here so still learning. 

I can relate to you're feelings, emotions & frustration. 

firstly, i have 3 children when i split from my 2 older children's father due to a gambling addiction that was so far out of control i had exactly the same feelings. 

it is easy to lose yourself in the daily struggles of bills, taking good care of children, financial woes, cooking. not to mention the heartache of our dreams & love not turning out the way we'd imagined. 

it is perfectly normal out of hurt & frustration to resent the man you created this life with. 

but I soon learnt, he is missing out. 

sure it's tough. but you are your children's rock & they yours. that is a bond No one can take. 

don't think he is as happy as he will lead you believe. maybe he is, maybe he isnt. 

but at the end of the day my advise is to do yiur best to change the way you think for yourself & your kids. (easy said than done) 

see it as ok, he may think this is great, but eventually he will need to deal with his feelings that he up & left. 

as for taking the family car, the shame is on him. hold your head high he is unreasonable to take from his children. 

after sometime i decided to get a job to take up my time, to get out & get my confidence back, too have a meaning (a mum is special but sometimes it does wonders to talk to adults and have our efforts sometimes appreciate)

as soon as i did this my whole life changed. (for a couple of years) I got my confidence back, I left bitterness behind mostly. I felt proud of myself. I lost weight, sure! it was tough juggling 2 kids one at school one at kinder and pick them up in time. not to mention childcare fees (possibly impossible for you with 5 due to the ridiculous costs) 

I just wanted to say I get it. 

you're here to vent, to talk to people that will understand and I get your anger is a lot of hurt. it's easier to be angry over something than to let our guards down and cry. 

write down your feelings each night. don't text him unless for kids. don't give him satisfaction to see you're struggling. he knows you are. 

you're not so much angry he can play sport, you're understandably feeling deflated that you cannot do these things something he would take for granted. you are beating yourself up and losing your confidence in your phyiscal appearance. I get it. 

perhaps at night get into a workout on dvd etc. let the anger out and get active as well. 

post again happy to listen 🙂