Issues between husband and sibling causing me stress and mild depression.

[Crofts_Girl]

Hi

I don't know what to do.

It's so stressful having my husband not get along with my older sister and father.

Ever since me and my husband have been having issues in February last year (2020) after our honeymoon, my older sister and father have changed their tune about him, especially with his drinking triggering my PTSD and mild depression.

What changed their tune completely about my husband was back in March this year, when one day I was experiencing what my psychologist referred to it as a severe anxiety attack, he would not come home to help me from a "goddamn cricket game" he was scoring for. My older sister called me and helped calm me down, and I eventually calmed down. I stayed with my older sister and her family for a couple of days, which at the end before I left, was a disaster. I didn't know how to tell my older sister whom, I was working for at the time, that I wanted to leave her company and go back to full-time office work as a receptionist. I am scared of my older sister, and I didn't know how to tell her, which is what triggered my anxiety attack.

After I told my sister, my anxiety was sky high, and she took it personally, thinking that it was because of the problems that me and my husband were having is the reason that I made the decision to leave. But it never was, as I explained before.

Ever since, their have been issues between my older sister and husband. Because my older sister was blaming my husband, she was telling everyone in the family trying to get them to side with her and not even to think about asking my husband for his side of the story.

I hate being in the middle of them.

I have so many mixed emotions when it comes to my older sister and my husband. Husband with his drinking that upsets me, and my older sister who gets me anxious and overwhelmed.

Both of whom cause me anxiety, PTSD and depression. My depression leading to having negative thoughts about self harming myself, which I have a history of since I was 13 years old.

Being 6 months pregnant, I still have moments remembering everything that I went through during this period in March, which I don't need because it then is putting stress on my baby.

I thought removing myself from the situations with both of them, it would help, but living with my husband and being constantly nagged by both parents to speak with my older sister, makes it difficult.

[Banksy92]

Hi Crofts Girl,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing your story. I'm really sorry to hear you're dealing with so many internal challenges as well as the added pressure of your family.

I can certainly relate to the deep hurt and stress family issues can cause us. My parents and my sister's partner have been in a constant fight for 2 years and it has essentially torn the whole family apart. I lost my relationship with my sister completely and it triggered my PTSD and anxiety intensely.

Two things over this period were very helpful and helped me feel strong and happy again (which I never felt possible)...

1. Committing so seeing a dedicated psychologist who I trusted to work through everything piece by piece

2. Allowing some distance between myself and my family while I did this

I know it can be hard to create space for ourselves and set boundaries with people who aren't good for us, but it's such a helpful step for our wellbeing.

Have you considered seeking professional help? If you speak to a doctor you can get on a mental health care plan for 10 free or discounted sessions, depending on the provider.

Hope to hear from you soon.

[quirkywords]

Crofts girl

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your detailed post.

Banksy has written a supportive and helpful reply.

I too think that getting done help by see your dr who can help with a mental health. May help.

Also being 6 months pregnant it is important your mental and physical health and fitness are both strong. I hope you have support people to maintain a peaceful environment .

can you explain to your parents that at the moment you don’t need any stress .
Feel free to keep posting.

[Crofts_Girl]

Hi Banksy92

Thank you for looking at my post and for sharing your experiences with me.

Yes, throughout my entire ordeal with this, I have spoken to a professional psychologist back in March this year and her next available wasn't until June, which I had by that time my depression and anxiety was starting to settle.

I have not reached back out as I have recently moved further away from my psychologist and need to find someone more closer to where I live. And I have a couple of close friends that I talk to about these issues and problems, but I feel like sometimes I am a burden and putting too much on them, when they have their own lives and family.

It feels like I can't think for myself sometimes, reason is, when both my husband and older sister speak such horrible things about each other and tell me, I just don't have the courage to tell them both "leave me out of it, I don't want to hear it". All of this it then starts playing on my mind and I can't think properly, on whether to be angry with them or happy that they are apart of my life. It's confusing me.

Were you close with your sister?

It's difficult because I am sometimes close with my sister, and the hardest thing is how it will effect my 4 year old niece who has grown very fond of me, and enjoys spending so much time with me, but because of the pandemic and what happened between me and my sister, I don't want to see my niece effected.

Sorry if I am all over the place and confusing you.

Kind Regards

[The_Bro]

Hi there Crofts Girl - thanks for your strong, clear and emotional posts.

It is certainly not a very nice situation you are facing.

It seems to me that a lot of the disrespect between husband, sister and father is due to your husbands drinking?

Sometimes personal relationship issues can spiral upwards out of control, with negative comments becoming a very bad habit.

Perhaps it would help if you sat down with your husband, then separately with your father and sister. Now this will not be that easy but I can promise you it will be worthwhile. I had a similar situation with my first wife and it took this strategy to calm things down.

Firstly, think carefully about what you want to say. Then very calmly ask you husband if you can sit down and have a chat with him. Tell him that you love him very much, are looking forward to him being a loving father, but there is something that is bothering you quite a lot. That it his drinking and how you feel it has affected your relationship and also how your family feels about him. Now if he gets upset or flies into denial, keep calm and stay on course. Make it very clear you are entitled to your feelings and you want him to know how you feel. As long as you stay calm and listen to what he has to say, the chat should give a positive outcome. When he asks what you want him to do, just say can you cut down on your drinking as I would appreciate that very much.

If the chat goes well (as it should), then do the same thing with your sister and father together. Tell them about the chat with your husband, how you love him and are looking forward to him being a father, and that he has listened to you and what he has agreed. At the end of course you will want them to offer to try and be a little less negative about him as it is effecting you a lot. Try and get them to agree to this at the end of the meeting.

Now Crofts Girl, these meetings will take some preparation and determination on your part to stay calm. Visualise in advance what they say and have a calm response ready.

Let's not pretend it will be easy but wouldn't it be great to gain some ground and release some of that tension and anxiety that you are currently feeling?

Happy to discuss further if you feel that might help of course.

All the very best, The Bro