Is waiting and hoping just a waste of energy better spent elsewhere?

[Sivet]

Hi,

I’m new here and hoping you all might be able to give me some direction please, or even just a hint maybe.

I’ll try to give you the basic info, without going into all the details.

Basically I married my wife about 4 years ago. We both have children living with us from previous relationships and have emotional baggage from that. So we both had our work cut out for us in making our blended family work.

Before we were married, I was aware that my future wife suffered depression and was on medication for it, however I was pretty naïve about how much of an impact this has on day to day life.

After a comment made by the doctor about my wife’s medication during a visit about an unrelated issue, I started doing a bit of research and because of that and my wife’s family history (her mother is bipolar and her sister is schizophrenic), I came to the conclusion that at the very least the doctor was right about the medication not working or maybe even that my wife herself was bipolar.

After about 2 years, I eventually got my wife back to the doctor and after a few questions, he concluded she may have bipolar but wanted her to get some tests done. That was the end of the doctors’ visits for my wife.

After that my wife decided she was no longer going to take the medication she was on for her depression and everything went downhill very quickly. My wife’s father was diagnosed with lung cancer; my oldest step daughter left home at 16 and got herself pregnant. All stress that my wife struggled to deal with, which is totally understandable.

However me and my kids started to cop a fair bit of abuse over various things, most of which left me scratching my head and wondering why is this a big deal. She said some very vulgar things about my kids and my relationship with them due to me not supporting some things she was making issues off or the punishment she wished them to have.

Eventually she left with her kids and blamed me for not coming looking for her and asking her to come home. To be totally honest, as much as I love her, I didn’t want her with us because I was worried the impact of her moods and thinking and abuse had on my kids.

We no longer live together. She seems to have created a world were anything me or my kids do is unforgivable, while anything she has said or done is totally justifiable and no amount of talking will make her see reason.

I’ve written her a few letters trying to win her over, and apologizing for things I’ve said and done (I have said a few nasty things in defending my kids and myself) with no response.

I still love her and feel sorry for everything she has had to go through and want to be there for her, however at the same time I don’t want to sit here hoping things will change and wasting my time and energy hoping when I should be using it to move on.

Is the situation hopeless? Should I just move on and leave her to deal with her problem? With her thinking the way it is, could she have possibly moved on herself?

[The_Real_David_Charles]

deleted by myself

[Sivet]

Thanks for your reply David.

Unfortunately I'm not sure that me loving my wife is the only consideration (and I do adore her).

I feel I've got to somehow balance my love for her and wanting to help and be there for her with my love for my kids (my son is 13 and daughter 10) and their well-being.

Some of the things my wife has said and the vile language she directs at them worries me a great deal.

Also the fact that she is refusing any help or even refusing to admit there is a problem, makes me unsure.

If either I didn't have kids or she was receiving help, the answer would be pretty clear and I'd have no question of whether to continue trying, but I feel I can't subject my children to her moods and lack of self-control and I'm not sure whether there will come a time when she will seek out help.

So there is my dilemma, do I continue writing, texting and sending her the odd gift in the hope that she'll eventually want to get some help or is it better for everyone (including my wife) if I just let go? And if I did this, would she be more inclined to seek help?

[The_Real_David_Charles]

deleted by myself

[The_Real_David_Charles]

deleted by myself

[Sivet]

Thanks David for your help. You helped put everything in perspective.

"Would I want my wife to leave me...?", she did leave because I wouldn't discipline my children as hashly as she wanted me to, so I guess the choice she made was to say good bye and It's probably time I accept that and prepare to move on.

Thanks again.

[geoff]

dear Sivet, David Charles has given you some sound advice especially from his debilitating bipolar that he has suffered from for many years.

My view is that your wife has left you and has given up on taking medication and seeing her doctor, which is not the ideal answer to solve her mental condition, and even though she has lashed out and said some awful things regarding you and your children, I think this is only because she is not on any medication. The same applies to anyone who is drunk, statements fly back and forth, some which we wouldn't dare say if we were sober.

When my ex left me there was no way she was going to stay, let alone come back, no matter what I said to her, but now we talk and get on, but there's no way we could ever live together again, I especially wouldn't want to, and the same applies to her.

In your situation I believe that your kids need you more, they want some stability, and even if your wife changed her mind and went back to the doctor, took her medication, it would be an unstable relationship. David Charles has a wife who thoroughly knows him and can cope with his bipolar, so in that respect they are both lucky, and kids well we all know how they change growing up.

My opinion is to move on. I know people who have re-married several times all of which have failed, and the % of second marriages which fail is extremely high, however many people want the security and desire to re-marry, which is their choice.

You have tried to re-unite with your second wife, but she won't accept any of your offers, so it's not your fault, she hasn't even tried to continue with the help she desperately needs. Good luck and please get back to us. Geoff.

[Sivet]

Thanks Geoff,

I think both you and David have valid points and I appreciate you both taking the time to offer your advice.

My wife and the situation is such a conundrum. I know there is nothing I can do to make her get help, so I feel that at the moment us being apart is the best thing for me and my kids and maybe her. In any case, I feel the decision as to the future of our relationship is in her hands and out of my.

Having said that, she still has a lot of her things here at my place and seems reluctant, even opposed to getting. I know that her mother treated her father the same way and my wife has stated that her mother used to leave stuff at her father’s so there was always some sort of connection. Their relationship from what I've been told and seen myself was an on again/ off again relationship. So I wonder if my wife is reluctant to get her things so she still has some sort of connection to me.

Due to this, I wonder what the chances of her deciding to get help are and worry what impact me deciding to move on would have on her (by move on I mean emotionally, not into another relationship). I have no wish to get caught in a relationship like her parents and at the same time, if she decided to get help I wouldn't like to jeopardise that and would very happy to give our marriage another chance. However, I don't want to be in limbo for too long and to be honest I don't think I can.

Maybe I'll just move on as a matter of the natural progression of life and timing will dictate as to whether this has a happy ending for the relationship or not.

[geoff]

dear Sivet, I think that your logic is valid, you can't sit around and hope for her return because this may not happen, and it just seems to extend your disappointment. As you say 'it's a natural progression of life', and many times life can be a real pain in the neck. Keep posting to us, and good luck mate. Geoff.