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Is my wife a crap communicator or am I an angry fool
First time here on this board, hope this is ok.. Would love some advice..
I often get angry, I'm easily tipped over the edge, I don't have a lot of releases, I don't drink or smoke or anything else. Married with two kids.
My fair share of issues in the past but overall a lucky guy with a job and family.
I get angry at little things which are more than abundant in this world. Is it the worlds fault? Is my wife poor at communicating when I get angry at her? Am I just an Angry Fool?
All of the above?
Im not a fan of labels, reluctant to say "Im this", but something is going on..
Not sure how to handle it. I go to church and stand by it, I have plenty of positive thoughts and understandings, still I get stressed from life and overwhelmed.
Although I said I don't like labels, I would love to classify this or speak to others in similar position.
Hi JP, welcome
Nothing beats a diagnosis so start with your GP. Be open, take your wife along and seek out if there is anything you can do.
Modern living has lots of stresses. Anxiety forms from stresses, even familiarity after years of marriage and if so we might need a helping hand in the form of therapy, relaxation classes and/or medication.
Hi JP, welcome to BB and thanks for your question... it's a good one.
I notice that there are key 2 questions to address in your post: first, how do I not get angry all the time? and second: how can I communicate with my wife better? Both are good questions. Let me start with the short fuse.
The only person that has the ability to make you angry is you. You and you alone control how you will react to any given situation or event. I know that is easier said than accepted. And, the first step is for us to acknowledge that we are the only person that makes us angry. And, by doing this we realize that we are the only person that can control how we respond.
Perhaps you are thinking, "yeah, right, like how do I control how I am going to respond?" IMHO the best way to control how we react is to first control when we react. Therefore, whenever something happens, you must first completely exhale and then inhale before speaking. This simple act of breathing allows sufficient pause so that our mind may process the what has happened, and how is the best was to respond. And if we want calmly, we will respond calmly. (also your wife can help by telling you to "breathe" whenever she sees you getting upset. Which is your queue to do just that.)
Not all of us communicate in the same manner. I recommend that you have a read on NLP (neuro linguistic programming) which teaches us about the different key words that differing people use to understand how they perceive the world. It may very well be that you and her do not interpret your world in the same manner. Understand how she does, enables you to use words that help her realize what you want. It also helps you realize what she is saying.
Now, "why do you have to change?" Well, if you want change in your marriage (and I presume you do) then first you must change. People don't change for you... people won't change for you... until you change for them.
Lastly, and a bit of a generalization here, but in my experience in communication
- some people ask, "can you do___" when they mean "will you do____"
- sometimes one person will interpret the term communication to mean: "we have talked about this and you haven't changed" --- where at the same time the other interprets communication to mean "we have talked about this".
Hope this helps
This is my second time in this Forum. The first I posted a situation very similar to yours. I was angry all the time, leading to big and sometimes ugly arguments with my wife in front of the kids.
like you, I had no vices or bad habits. Was just trying to do my best. I felt my wife was the biggest PIA that didn't listen, understand or appreciate. On the surface it was largely work stress and family balancing stress, but it doesn't help when anyone says to work less, prioritise better etc..
i received great advice from this forum which has helped. I reached out because however much I thought my wife needed to 'change', I wanted to do as much as I could first.
i saw my GP and described the stress, anxiety, arguments etc. turns out it's something they deal with all the time. The GP referred me to a professional, which is covered partly under Medicare (and maybe your PHI if your cover allows). I worked with a psychiatrist for several sessions to delve into the drivers of emotion, reasoning, communication, etc. It was eye opening and really helpful. I now have the personal tools to reflect a little more before i go off on one. It was also so good to be able to channel/replay the situations to someone for a third opinion 🙂
so I guess my points are
- good on you for reaching out. I think so many of us fellas feel the way you do..
- a mental health plan gave me some incredible tools for being a better person, husband and father. It also had the added bonus of helping me with some professional situations too.
- I hope you take some action. I almost left mine too late.
hope it works out, JP
It could be a sore point between you and your wife that hasn't been settled, that is continually ongoing, so you use anger to make your point of view, but this won't solve the problem, it only makes it worse, maybe couple counselling may help you, but one way or another there has to be an agreement. Geoff.