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Is my marriage over

Community Member

We have been married for over 13 years. I love my wife very much and want to grow old together. Tonight she has said that it is over. We both come from troubled relationships. She told me that I have never put her first in our marriage. E.G. of her loyalty was to look after me after surgery.

On our first year dinner anniversary, I took a call that lasted 30 mins. I regret this. The biggest mistake I am gutted by was to keep a huge financial burden, that I thought I could hide and payout without her knowing. But I cowardly told her after the birth of our first child. I tried to fix the debt issue but it took about 6 yrs to pay off. I can see when she says that I deliberately trapped her, but I never intended it to be like that.

A few years later we lost our 2nd child after about 20 week mark of pregnancy. Having our first child with me and no family around I was not there for her as she had to go through the birth, seeing the blood For the loss we did not speak about it or seek counselling. She blamed herself. I tried to be there for her but I don't think it was enough. I felt I had failed her big time. Over time we had our ups and downs never really spoke about it, the only things brought up was financial, debt and not putting her first. She brought up when I was away for work. I decided to go out with work friends for the day on vespers 2 guys and 2 girls. She knows I don't like bikes and brings it up why did I go on a vesper. But she doesn't believe it was a spur of the moment day.

We successfully had our 3rd child and have moved from state to state because of my work. I feel that has put extra burden on us as she has to start new friends and her family is so far away.

I know I have not been her ideal husband who has made mistakes in the past and regret. But I continue to make silly mistakes according. She brought up that I have never had friends over for BBQ' she or I have never taken her to any work formal dinners in 13 years. We had a work function a few weeks ago with partners and I didn't ask her to go. I didn't want.. she tells me that I continue to not put her first in our marriage. Our anniversary present for 13th year was a lace satin black top on shorts was the wrong gift as she hates satin especially black.

If I have tried to do the right things in our marriage. I know I am not the best communicator. If I do mistakes like turn right not left or lead, it becomes a major issue. I don't want to lose her. I need help with our marriage

3 Replies 3

Community Member

Why do you move a lot?

Try marriage counselling!

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Jason, welcome to these forums.

First of all, well done for acknowledging the seriousness of the issue and taking responsibility for the part you played in it. It takes courage.

Your willingness to save the marriage is a credit to you. You both need counseling. Would your wife agree to give this a go ? You are in this together and must work together to heal the situation. A professional third person is often a helpful mediator.

I hope you can both discuss this option and come to an agreement.

Kindest thoughts.

Community Member

Hi Jason_B. You sound extremely weary and in need of help desperately. A big part of marriage or any relationship is communication/being on the same page emotionally. Have you tried telling her you are aware you have made some serious mistakes? I also get the feeling you are the sort of guy who tries to shield his wife from financial woes which is why you hid the huge debt you had. While I understand why you kept this debt from her, I can also see how betrayed she felt by this. Talking on your phone for 30 minutes during what was supposed to be a celebration of your first anniversary, is not a good memory for either of you. However, again, you have admitted that was a mistake. You and your wife are definitely not on the same page here, I feel you want the marriage, just not sure how to convey this to her. I suggest you contact Relationships Australia and ask for some guidance. If you have problems putting feelings into words, maybe try writing down a few key points about you and why you have problems putting feelings into words. Telling her you love and her and want the marriage, is not really working, you may have to step outside your comfort zone and work a bit more on communicating so she understands where you are. We have counselors here who can guide you with communication as well. Once you get some help, this will start you communicating and hopefully you will feel better about where you both are. If you come from a family who never talked, you never learnt, because you weren't shown.