Is it weird I am not a social person

[AirJordanFan93]

If this is in the wrong section forgive me.

I have trouble being a social person. People in my age group 18-25 seem to be the most sociable age group of people around. I have never been this kind of person. This is perhaps down to both my mental issues over the last few years and my dislike for general early 20s behaviour such as drinking and nightclubs. I have struggled to make friends since high school. I have a pretty good sized group of friends when I was in primary school but when we all started high school most of us lost contact and now I only see a few of them.  I struggle to be able to muster up the motivation to do social things with people be it with friends or family I either find myself not caring or I have zero inerest in being around people. Because I don't drink alcohol I feel like the weirdo a lot of the time when around people when they are drinking and am constantly pressured into drinking by others who can't get around the fact I chose not to drink.

Part of me would like to change all of this but another part of me is reserved. All I really want is a nice small group of friends and even a girlfriend I can confide in,share things with and like me for who I am.

[white knight]

Hi AJF welcome

At 17yo I joined the RAAF. No drinking or smoking for me. Then after 12 months of being an outcast I started drinking. It never felt right and it got me into lots of trouble re: drink driving and the like.

In 1976 I left the RAAf and never got drunk since. I'm now 60yo.

I say stick to your principles and desires and not be swayed otherwise. Well done to you for that.

But there is a happy medium. Many consume drinks mixed with coke. Grab a glass of coke and mingle among people with no alcohol in it. No one would know except friends. Lets be frank, alcohol isn't the problem its the excess of it and the immature ones that make it a holy grail of an excuse to do stupid things.

Also I do believe that due to poor upbringing (maybe) younger people in their early 20's are less mature than say in the 1940's. A man in 1947 at 22yo was a real mature man with responsibilities often married and having children. I'm generalising but you get my meaning. Now its all fun and travel and drink. So don't be put off on your own values.

These good values will attract a girl as they often don't like the immature ones.

Seek out sports like volleyball or table tennis, dancing like line dancing etc. Go to where the girls gather. Try online dating, its better than it used to be. My daughter is marrying a guy she found online and they are very compatible.

Cheers   Tony wK

[AirJordanFan93]

Hi WhiteKnight

I have always felt much older than I am. While I am 22yo I feel mentally 15 years older and have always felt older than others in my age group. There are a few reasons I don't drink

1.Depression

2.I don't like the taste

3.Weight Gain

They would be the 3 reasons I stopped drinking a year ago. While I don't drink it often I am partial to Diet-Coke so you are right in that regard.

I know a few people who have already had kids but its obviously worlds different than someone in 1947 who was in family unit. Most do it out of wedlock and some have 2-3 kids by 23 or so these days. I have no real moral objection to it just that it is quite different from what it was like back in the day.

I have a general conception which is probably poor and reflects poor on me that most girls today generally don't rate personality and things like that and it is all physical. Things like the Kardashians have sort of made young girls want to act clueless and shallow. Like I said this is a general conception I have and it maybe reflects bad on me for thinking that way.

[Starwolf]

Hey AJF,

How refreshing to chat with someone within your age group who is thoughtful and shuns superficiality. Please don't change,  your steadfastness and moral sense are to be admired and respected.

Your maturity sets you apart and contributes to your painful feeling of isolation. I grew up feeling the same and many years later, still cannot see the point of social outings where people speak for hours without saying anything. Where one can't connect with real persons because everybody is hiding behind masks and superficiality. I always felt -like you do- that communication goes way beyond those. If it cannot happen, count me out after a few minutes...it is a waste of time. There are very few people I can have an open, meaningful conversation with. With those, honesty prevails and true exchange is possible. I never could see the logic of statements like "I don't remember any of it so I must have had a good time". So I swapped quantity for quality.

Many people, young or older, feel they cannot have fun without using the crutch provided by alcohol or drugs. They tend to feel uneasy around those who don't. And those who don't feel out of place around artificially induced merry making. I agree that the dating trap is often another ego gratifying, superficial scene. However, there are young girls who see it for what it is and are looking for something of more significance.

There are people out there you would be able to relate to but to find them you may need to get out there, perhaps join groups, clubs, discussion forums and activities that interest you.

You're a top young man who deserve way better than what your usual peer group has to offer. Perhaps it is time to cut off from people you have nothing in common with and start searching for those who do.

Meanwhile, joining these forums is a great decision. Here you can vent and share your feelings with people who understand where you're at, who also feel isolated and out of place. Thank you for your contribution. Welcome !

[Zeal]

Hi Jordan,

I am a 23 year old female, and I've always liked guys who are honest and have good values. I have always been a non-drinker and I don't like going to nightclubs. I had mild depression in my teens and I've had OCD for 10 years. Because I am on antidepressants for my serotonin deficiency, drinking alcohol isn't a good idea anyway. I am honest and open about it, so people more readily accept and respect my choice. I am steadfast when it comes to my values. Not drinking or smoking, not talking badly about others and being loyal have had positive effects on my life. Having anxiety is frustrating at times, but I'm glad I have stable values to fall back on.

Please stand by your values- it is worth it and you will thank yourself later. My boyfriend of 10 months hasn't consumed alcohol for over a year, due to a bad experience two New Year's Eve's ago when he had too many mixed drinks (he was not a problem drinker). At first, his mates pressured him to drink and tried to encourage him to just have a drink here and there, but he stuck to his plan. Now everyone accepts his choice. He might drink again in the future, but for now he's happy not to do so, as it's good for his overall health and saves him money too. I am happy he doesn't drink, but I have told him that whether he starts drinking again or not is his choice. He is very responsible and I trust him completely.

There are women out there who appreciate men like you who have certain moral values and don't like being the centre-of-attention. Not being an overly social person is completely fine. So long as you have some friends, which you do, there's nothing to feel concerned about 🙂  Some people are just more naturally reserved or shy than others. Society would be a dysfunctional place if everyone was extraverted and over-confident, believe me! We need people like you who are happy to listen to others and spend time with a few close friends. My boyfriend has good moral values and is very caring and considerate of others. This is what I love most about him. He is a great listener and is comfortable talking about feelings and more personal topics with me. He loves playing and watching sport, so this is a good way to "bond" with his male friends. He really doesn't like romance movies, but is romantic in real-life. It's pretty funny actually!

Feel free to post again on this forum, either here or in a different section.

Best wishes,

SM

[AirJordanFan93]

Hi Starwolf

Thanks for your reply. I have never had any ressons to change how I view these things and I doubt I ever will find a reason to do so. So I think I am gladly set in this way and viewpoint. I have been at social events mainly for birthdays and most conversation has been fairly mind numbing for the most part and I just usually end up listening to some sort of sport talk radio show from the US on my iPod since it will more than likely be more engaging than whatever conversation is going on.

In my case the group of friends are more than understanding as to why I don't drink thankfully and there aren't any threats of drug use in our group either. Its only your standard early 20s night club goer who would have any sort of objection as to why someone wouldn't chose to drink every weekend and waste most of their paycheck on over priced drinks at any bar/night club.

I do use discussion forums on a regular basis but most people are from the US more often than not so that obviously is an issue but I feel I have forged several good online relationships over the last few years. I don't misunderstand this as friendship like some people do when it comes to online relationships.

I am actually quite glad I joined this forum when I did as it has helped me quite a bit in the short time I have been posting here.

[AirJordanFan93]

Hi SM

Its good to see someone my age who has gone though similar experiences and feels the same way I do. While I have never been on anti-depressants to this point there is a strong chance I might in the coming weeks. I have never been tested for OCD I have shown symptoms of it over the years.

I have been in similar situations as your boyfriends in regards to peer pressure and drinking and one of the reasons I stopped drinking a year ago was after a bad experiance. A year later I have not felt the urge to consume any alcohol whatsoever and I don't think I will get that urge again. Plus I don't think its good to mix alcohol into dealing with depression and my GP also iterated a similar thing to me when I was first diagnosed in 2014.

I think I do have some shyness about myself and I feel very reserved about a lot of things so it is hard to be outgoing in social environments. I do find it encouraging people have said there are people like myself out there and that there are still girls who prefer guys like myself rather than obnoxious fools. While I wouldn't expect any potential girlfriend to be completely unsociable I wouldn't like her to be the type who feels she has to go nightclubbing to feel accomplished or wanted by people.

[Zeal]

Hi again Jordan,

I'm glad I responded to your post 🙂

In their twenties, a fair amount of people start to calm down with the nightclubs and excessive drinking. The group of friends my boyfriend and I spend time with are aged 24 on average, and going to casual bars or having dinners is preferred over going to nightclubs. Your friends may tire of nightclub-going in a year or two. Going to social events can be awkward even for people who call themselves social and appear confident on the surface. Most people get nervous in social situations occasionally.

I agree that conversations can sometimes become a bit routine, but it's worth it for those less frequent conversations that are unique and interesting. If you keep going to birthdays and other social events from time to time, you will meet a variety of people, and hopefully find a few who you can connect more with on a deeper level. 

Definitely keep following your doctor's advice with regards to not drinking alcohol. Alcohol as a substance is classed as a depressant, which is very unhelpful for people who have depression! You are right, there are women who are more interested in guys who are caring, compassionate and honest. Though brashly confident, slightly egotistical men sometimes attract women easily at first, this will wear thin after a while.

I must say, I am very glad my boyfriend doesn't want me to go nightclubbing with him! We're more into going out to dinner, whether it's just us or with friends, watching movies in bed (lazy, I know), going for walks etc.

Keep posting on beyond blue if you're enjoying it and it's helping 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[AirJordanFan93]

Hi SM

The one thing I always thought was mind boggling when I was in high school was the amount of kids who would do underage drinking from about 15 onward. I remember hearing people talk about parties and the drinking they would do. I wasn't friends with these types but I would always overhear about it in class or whatever. Perhaps this is why most people tire of the whole nightclub scene by the time they hit 24/25 and tone down their weekend activities. It does seem to be something for people aged 18-22 to really take advantage of.

I have more or less followed my doctors advice for close to 2 years now regarding drinking and use of alcohol and drugs. I did have one night in 2015 where I drank at a party and instantly the next day felt awful about myself and haven't drank since.

[AirJordanFan93]

Hi all
It has been a little over a year since I last posted on this site. Just to refresh everyone I am 24 and have been dealing with depression since late 2013 as well as anxiety which is more prevalent than my depression most of the time. I spent most of 2016 seeing a psychiatrist and was on anti-depressants. Currently my life is work which I really hate and just shut myself off from the rest of the workers. Other than that I spend the rest of my time at home on my own.
I feel my life is really dull and boring. I would say I have no friends and no social life or experience unlike the majority of people in this age group. Over the last few years it is something I have wanted to change but I have created this wall/shield of being a loner who doesn't want or need friends or a girlfriend. Due to my lack of social experience and my general anxiety I have no idea how to actually meet people and make friends with people.
Perhaps a lot of this is down to poor experiences in high school which soured me on a lot of the late teens and early 20s culture of night clubs and things of that sort. Due to my depression I don't drink and I find that limits what I can do in terms of social activities with certain groups of people. None the less I am inclined to make some sort of effort despite my personal preferences.
The other thing I would like to improve is my relationship status. I find a lot of people around my age have been in long term relationships and I have yet to have one girlfriend despite being 24. This is something that plays up on my depression and anxiety quite a lot. Much like the general nature of actually making friends I have no idea how to actually go about getting a girlfriend and due to my issues I have no self-confidence and would find my anxiety would affect my ability to actually talk to girls.