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Is it time to walk away?
Married for over 30 years. I didn't have the best of childhood as my mum was constantly depressed, angry, threatening to leave my dad constantly and they fought terribly and hubby seemed the opposite. At first he was charming and loving but had mood swings, frustration if things didn't go his way, silent and giving off waves of anger. From early on he was a flirt and found those women who "took it the wrong way" Many arguments over the years where he told me I was crazy and that he hadn't done anything wrong and it wasnt his fault. Over the years there were many women who came into our lives that way. Just before 30 year anniversary things went downhill when I though he was having an affair and I confronted him. There had been a women in our life when our boys were little that he called "crazy" but she had entwined herself in our lives and would ring me and tell me that they had been together. At the time and over the years I had questioned him again about her but he kept denying it and saying I was just a jealous person that needed help. So when I thought it was happening again (after some counselling), this time I called him out. Eventually he confessed in marriage therapy that he had had the affair 20 years ago but wasnt having an affair now but that because our relationship was so bad he had turned to pornography (which had always been an issue between us as he had told me that unable to find me attractive any more and needed the porn.)
I have tried for 4 years now to get over this but I still feel the need to constantly check what he is up to as he still covers up what he is doing rather than discuss things. I don't like who I have become and this constant fear of whether I will find out that he is lying again. I used to be scared that he would leave me but now I am scared that he will stay. I wake up in the night thinking of a life without him and it no longer scares me - does that mean it is time to move on? I don't know whether it is in us to get over this and I don't know that I want to spend my life waiting for another women to come along or worse still, for the pornography to start again (he became angry and aggressive with it and affected work and kids. When we are alone together we have a lovely time together with shared interests but as soon as a third person enters our sphere it is that same old feeling of fear, anger,hurt and if he gets upset he then stonewalls.
I don't want to be afraid anymore.
Hi wistful64 welcome to the forums and for seeking advice.This is such a difficult situation for you.You have trust issues with him and it must be hurtful he is watching porn as he said he dosnt find you attractive.You have to work out after a long marriage if you want to walk away from him.It sounds like you are ready in your mind to do so.Will be happy if you stay?Will you be happier if you left him?You can allways try a break from him and see how you feel.
Hi i can see what you mean.Either stay with him or leave him permently.It is which option do you want to take?Do you think the life without him will be better?You deserve to be happy yoirself.Can you move on from your husband with support?Do you have family and friends to give you emotional support?It really is hard heart aching decission for you.It is your happiness you need to think about.
I am sorry to hear what you are going through and image you must be under a lot of stress.
Can I start off by saying that leaving your Husband of 30 years doesn't have to be an option If you still love him because there other avenues to explore, if you are willing to make your relationship work.
You do need to set some boundaries in place and make it very clear to him that he needs to work on your improving himself and follow through with his actions. Keep in mind, it's a two way street so you will both need to work together to come up with some reasonable actions, if you both want to live a prosperous life together.
A lot of couples find it hard to understand each others needs, values and how to cope with their behaviour as well as having that understanding of how to resolve a situation, that meets both of your expectations.
The other option is, of course, finalising your relationship but before you do, remember that you may need to nourish up your soil and water your grass in a different way.
Good luck 🙂
We have been through marriage counselling and i also underwent many months of personal counselling as well. Boundaries were set and agreed upon but I have realised now that the way he sees them are rules that I have that are there because he wanted me to stay, not because he understood the fact that there were no boundaries was the main issue in our relationship, it is his way and if he is challenged its because I am jealous and crazy.
It sounds like your Husband may not be taking your boundaries seriously? Silly man.
Can I ask what actions you have been doing to look after yourself?
I have realised that have become very isolated as 3 years ago we moved interstate for a fresh start but that has then meant that family and friends are too far away.
I have started a training course and i think the stress of that has made things worse. So i have made an appointment with a new counsellor down here and will go from there.
I think part of this was feeling that i had to make a decision straight away but have realised that this is not a decision to be made quickly or lightly and that just because i stay now doesnt mean that is decision for rest of life.
Thankyou for support-sometimes its just being able to talk to someone not involved for you to realise that need more help such as counsellor.
Hi wistful thats a great idea to see a counsellor as they are very good at making you work out in your mind what you want to really do.My psychologist said to "you know you have the answers"it was just a matter of working them out.
Talking on the forum has really helped. Won't make any decisions until have sorted my head vs heart hopefully with the help of the counsellor.