FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

is it time to let go?

skyblue85
Community Member
ive been married for 3 wonderful years.my husband is a very lovely man but when he is with his friends atleast once a week,they will smoke weed,and at first its ok with me but then at the back of my mind,it can change him over time. And once he told me,that I cannot ask him to quit because he wouldnt.his friends are his other family here in aus aside from me,so he told me not to take it away from him,but ofcourse i wouldnt.but for me,they can smoke cigarette or drink but no weeds,but he cannot do it for me..i dont no if this is normal or am i just controlling and selfish as what he says..i just want the β€œold him” the man i married 3 yrs ago..now we had a fight because of same reason,and he chose to smoke weed in 3 consecutive nights leaving me home alone and choosing to be with his friends smoking pot because he once told me,if im trying to stop him,he will do it more often.i just want us to spend time with each other and this affects our relationship as a couple..i dont want to have a weed addict husband πŸ˜” please help.
13 Replies 13

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Skyblue, it's a shame that your husband has chosen weed and his mates over his wife because it's only going to lead to more trouble as I chose alcohol over my wife and our marriage ended as a consequence.

He can't make the excuse if you try and stop him then he will only smoke more often, that's exactly what an addict would say so there is a serious problem happening here.

Maybe by giving him an ultimatum could work, maybe not at first but eventually by telling him to stay with his mates until he wants his marriage back.

The trouble with having an addiction is that it comes first before anything else, but for him to realise and stop it may take some work by him, sure he can go cold turkey but he has to measures in place to be able to cope, especially if he still wants to be with his mates.

I wonder whether this may happen and would like to hear back from you. Geoff.

skyblue85
Community Member

hi Geoff

thank you for your reply,this means a lot to me..i cant tell nobody because i dont want to have him having his bad image to people close to us.

we are not talking now for 3days and this really hurts me.it keeps on repeating evertime this happens.He is saying he dont have to choose between his mates/weed over me.but how many times i told him i dont want him doing that because it can affect our relationship and kids in the future.

i will try to give him the ultimatum that youve adviced me,but most of the times we dont discuss ,we always argue,thats why we chose not to talk over things.

he really changed a lot,i told him only with him i felt that i have family since i was young.but then i dont feel that he cares of what i feel.i dont feel him being proud of me either.He made extra account on facebook so he added me there and our group of mates,which i totally dont understand.

most of the times i feel alone,i dont even have a trusted friend here in Au because i didnt grew up here,ive been here for just 5years.Only colleagues who are busy with their own lives/family. And a sister whom i never shared personal problems at all ever since.

He said he smoke weed because it helps him with his medical condition,but even he is totally fine,he still uses..sometimes i just feel like I am not good enough for him,which he always say i am too good for him thats why things happen.

I am just so down this past few days.

Hi Skyblue,

Welcome to the community here. I'm really sorry to read your story and to hear how miserable this is making you.

I am wondering if your husband does decide that he wants his friends and his weed over you, do you have somewhere safe to go? I don't mean to say this will happen, but having a plan may be advisable.

You mentioned you have a sister, you could try talking to her about what is happening. It does not mean that you are admitting you are a failure in any way, just that you would like to share an issue and ask for some advice.

Not talking to each other does not help at all. Is it possible to ask your husband to communicate with you.

If you are working, do you control your own money? Does your husband work? (if you don't want to answer any questions that is okay.)

Trying to get someone to stop a behaviour they enjoy can be difficult.

Are there activities that you enjoy that you can do when your husband is out? Maybe if he knows you are out doing things without him he might start to think about what he is doing more.

All we can do is make suggestions, we do not have the right or wrong answers, only ideas for you to consider.

Cheers fro now from Dools

hi Dools

thank you,its nice to know that some people are concern,it does really feel good to be part of this community.

He hasnt decided that he choses the weed over our relationship,but once he told me,if you will ask me to quit,im telling u i wouldnt because that is one thing that makes me happy too.so i guess he gave me a hint on that information.

Yes ive got my sisters home that i can run to if something happens. but telling her about whats going on,i dont think so i can do it,i never shared personal or relationship issue with her,neither one of my family,i only shared to them the happy ones and i dont want them to know his not -so-good habits.

Sometimes we do talk about the issue,but when we argue and just blame each other,i always cry,and it does end there.I cant help it,i am hurt and i always feel hopeless and helpless.

Yes i do work and he does too,we never argue about money and his mate always gave the weed for free,as their bonding time. last weekend,they said it was my husbands birthday celebration,but it was celebrated in his mates place,my husband asked me to swap shift in the morning so i can attend his celebration so i did,it was then i realise that i have to leave before their weed session,so i have to go home alone for them to have their time.because if i will work a PM shift i will arrive on the time of their weed session. its just ridiculous i have to adjust for them to enjoy their time.He said why I am not happy for his celebration,telling me im so selfish. He then said that he will never invite me again in same event because im just ruining his plans.i just felt bad ,its my husbands birthday and i feel like im a guest who have to leave.he said I can stay but how will I stay if all of them are talking in their own language and i will just be sitting alone. I am not the kind of person who can talk a lot of things with group of people,a personal talk can be better.

i dont have any activities at all,thats why my world revolves around him.and he always encourage me to be busy with something else so that my attention will not be only on him,actually i tried enrolling myself in diff activities/exercises.but i cant be around too many people,i always feel ashamed about everything.

Thank you for everything Dools πŸ’œ

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello skyblue, I agree with Mrs Dools about finding things and time for yourself to enjoy. Having your whole world revolve around one person, even when things with that person are going well, is likely to make you very unhappy in the long run. We need to be able to live for ourselves first, so we can be a light that attracts people to us.

Living selflessly for others too can sometimes make others take us for granted. After all, if we don't respect ourselves, or seem to have any of our own needs, why should we be given respect?

I would like to hear more about you, and this feeling you have of being ashamed of everything. It sounds like it might be holding you back from a fuller and more enjouyable life.

Hi Skyblue, I am sorry that your partner makes you feel confused and oestracised sometimes. When your partner uses Drugs and you do not, it is very confusing, but I feel your instincts are very mature and wise. There is good reason to be worried. Drugs like pot affect motivation and intelligence, its really awful to have a brain dead boyfriend, to watch his mind go and have noone to talk to. Its illegal, and you have to live with anxiety of police coming to your house some day. And drug user `friends', are not always good people or real friends. Your husband is dragging people into your life only because they use drugs. And not choosing them for their good character, or how well they treat you.

The worst part for you, is you are being oestracised socially because you are doing the right thing. Being excluded in such a way is one of cruelest thing to do to a person, it is a very deep hurt for most people. You are a sober person, with good sense, a good mind and all the health advantages of your choices. And yet you are made to feel wrong, excluded, controlling, too strict. You are not any of those things. You are only sensible and concerned. In a way, you are being punished in a very hurtful way for your good choices.

I feel you deserve better treatment, and if you don't get it, then I believe you should find people who are good, like you. Who won't exclude you just because you are wise and good.

skyblue85
Community Member

hi Jess

hope youre doing fine.thank you for your reply.Actually i end up to a point that he even asked me to try it with him,i tried,but i cannot see the point of choosing to do it over and over again.And i also feel ashamed of myself trying it,i never thought i will be one of them.

he has a medical background and so do i,and everytime he asks me to explain to him why i am asking him to quit if weed does only good effect to the body,i always feel that i always lose the discussion. He doesnt understand that i dont want him to change and become worse in the future because we only got each other.I dont want to lose a lovely man that i once married. All i want is the old β€œus” that we used to be.just a very happy married couple.but with weed addiction between us makes me think it will be a hard work to bring it back.

He always tell me its legal as long as it is personal use,but for me its still weed and not good for his health.

His mates he’s doing it with are his old friends from back home,thats why he always tells me that they are also his family here aside from me,so i shouldnt take that away.but he cannot see my point,what im trying to say is as much as possible stay away from weed but not from them,but even his mates once told me that weed only has good effects.

I am really hurting of whats happening to him since he started using it few months back,because even supposed to be our days off together that rarely happened,he will go his mates place and spend the whole night there,come home early in the morning and sleep for the whole day the next day,which he also took that time away from me.

once he tried to fix it that instead of sleeping to his mates place he will come home so i dont have to be alone,but im also worried for him driving even he is saying he had rest before coming home.

i really dont know how to deal with this, it might be an easy situation for others but i have a weak personality and noone to talk to,but Im really thankful i found out about this community..

Ive got some flaws in our relationship too, but i guess thats normal.and everytime i will be mad for some reasons,he will tell me that I just want to be happy,but i never been happy at all..which makes me feel sad because i always appreciate what he does for me,he is a very supportive man but having a weak personality he does a lot for me more than i do for him πŸ˜”

Hi Skyblue,

You have received some more wonderful responses from JessF and bindi. Hopefully you will be bale to take these thoughts and suggestions on-board and consider all that has been written here.

My first husband smoked weed and was also an alcoholic. He too told me he had a right to do what ever he wanted. I chose not to stay in that relationship. That was my choice. He put me down and for a long time I felt like I was unworthy and I was the one in the wrong.

Regaining my self confidence and finding new friends was important. Over the years I have had many volunteering roles and have met a variety of people. Moving to a small country town, I joined the local volunteer fire service. My city friends were amazed by this. I am now part of a group of people who look out for the good of others and support each other.

I also go out by myself. I go to the movies, to a cafΓ© for dinner, to the beach, a park, catch up with friends by myself, even go on holidays by myself if my husband does not want to join me.

Have a look at groups that are in your area and see if you might like to join something. I even tried helping with "Riding for the disabled" and I don't know a thing about horses. I had to give that up due to a back injury.

There are so many opportunities out there, even if you join a group that meets once a month, it will be something different for you to do.

Another thing I had to learn was to say "NO" respectfully to myself and to others who were demanding and controlling. It may help to say "NO" to changing your shift, not joining your husband and his pot smoking friends, but going home or out by yourself and having an enjoyable time.

These are all just suggestions and ideas. We do not live in your relationship, we do not know you or your husband. It may just help you to know you do have options, you do have rights and deserve to be heard and acknowledged.

Wishing you well as you try to work out how you want to progress.

Cheers for now from Dools

Bethie
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi

You mentioned your husband has a medical condition and smokes to help that. My sister inlaw suffers from glucoma and smokes very very small amounts to help away from my brother and her kids. Even my husband has very very small amounts to help with his PTSD. But there is a big differance with spending a day smoking and being away from his family so sorry it sounds like a copout. If he truely thinks he needs to smoke for medical reasons then why does he need to go to his mates.

Pushing a addict into stopping will only result in arguments. Try giving him alternatives like maybe his mates could come to your place with their families for a bbq or to have a game of cricket.

Addiction is never easy. I'm 17 years clean and sober now speaking from experience. Words like "you carn't" "you have to" get negative responses.