Is it me or is what he did a red flag.

[Lpo12]

I've been married to my husband for 8 months, together 7 years in total. He has been perfect, supportive, loving and understanding, where as I feel over the past year I have angry out bursts at him when he goes out with his mates and drinks. The latest he came home and i screamed and yelled at him. He fired back but this time with harsh words saying im physco etc. I got extremely fired up and punched his chest, but for the 1st time ever he went to grab me. He let go immediately and tried to turn away but i hit back. He grabbed me again. I knew that time I needed to get out of there. I have been told that by my family I can be unreasonable at times and angry unecessarily. My husband was also victim to abuse by his mother's partner as a child. I feel like this may come from me and i need to seek help. I don't want this to end our marriage. I think I've got a point where I need to see someone about my anger. Am I the abuser and he has finally had enough? I'm confused as he has never touched me. I wish I could say the same about me to him.

[geoff]

Hi Lpo12, can I give you a warm welcome to the site.

A partnership between two spouses and even with long term relationships means that a balance has to be agreed upon, that is when you want to go shopping for personal items then you're allowed to.

The same applies with your husband when he wants to go out with his mates and have a drink, I understand your fear what alcohol may do, but if you trust him then there is nothing to worry about.

The anger showed needs to be addressed otherwise as you say 'he may have had enough' and I'm sure what he did to you was not what he wanted to do as it hasn't before.

'There may be feelings of being anxious, depressed, disappointed, worried, frustrated, hurt or frightened, but express these feelings as anger.'

You can get help for this and there is also medication which may have an effect that can support rage and negative thoughts, this is what your doctor can prescribe for you and then refer you onto a psychologist.

I would be telling your husband that this is what you want to do, I'm sure he will support you all the way.

Geoff.

[Quercus]

Hi Lpo12 and welcome,

It takes a lot of guts to examobe and criticise our own actions. It takes more to speak openly and ask for the opinions of others. So I respect that a lot.

You already know the answer. I don't think you need the confirmation that we're going to give you. But I'll give it anyway. Yes that is abusive and no it's not ok.

Neither is it ok that your husband lashed out at you violently.

Like you said it's time to address your anger. I agree with Geoff about talking openly with your husband. Seeing if he will come to therapy with you if asked.

The first step? I would try your GP. Book a long appointment. You don't need to go into detail if that will prevent you from going to the doctor. You could just say you're having a lot of trouble with anger and want to be referred to someone who specialises in anger management.

It may also help to try couples therapy. To have your husband's input into methods that would work for you both and also to discuss any issues between you both that are causing you to fight.

I hope you feel able to keep writing. I hope you feel safe here to talk. The forums aren't judgemental. We all have problems 😊.

Nat

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Lpo12,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for being here. It sounds like these outbursts have been going on for a while and now you want to do something about them. Was it his anger that has made you want to reach out?

I don't think that I can really say whether his actions are a red flag - only you can know that. Given that you abuse him already, I'm imagining that there's probably red flags having already been flying away for a while.

I agree with Geoff in that it would be really helpful for you to get help - and maybe him too. Unfortunately anger is never black and white so there might not ever be a clear cut answer, but it's definitely something that you can learn to control.

Perhaps if there is anger happening both ways now it might help to consider relationship counselling? That way the focus can be on you both as a couple and how to manage not only the anger, but the way that you communicate with each other (and managing those triggers for when he goes out and drinks).

If this is something that jumps out at you you can go here - https://www.relationships.org.au/ click on your state and then go to 'relationship counselling'. You'll find too that the fees for this will most likely be cheaper than the fees for the psychologist (or maybe even the gap fee with the care plan).

Hope this helps,

[Juliet_84]

Hi Lpo,

Regarding whether his behavior was a red flag, I don’t think so as it seemed to be out of character for him (by your own account) and sounded as though he was also under quite a bit of emotional pressure (particularly given his childhood trauma).

However, your behavior does not sound as though it has been as out of character. You mention that you don’t like him going out with his mates and drinking - what specifically don’t you like about it? What do you tell yourself during these times? It may help to keep a journal and write down your triggers and the things you tell yourself and examine them at a later date. Not a flattering version of our trigger, but the real ugly reason you don’t want them to do a particular thing, it can be confronting but you will see patterns.

Your behavior has been out of line and abusive and it has to stop otherwise you run a real risk of losing your marriage. No one should have to be in an environment that is abusive. I think at this stage you would benefit from individual counseling focused on why you do these things. You and your partner both deserve to have a happy relationship based on love and respect. I commend you on your honest appraisal of yourself, you have shown great insight into your behavior, which is the first step.

[Guest_1584]

l'm a bit gobsmacked that you title this are his actions a red flag.

Then you say he's been supportive right through but you hit out at him and go at him all the time,. shouldn't that be are your actions a red flag ?

Because yeah actually , they really are , l don't think too many people could take that for very long you really need to do something. Turn the tables , how long would you last if he was doing that to you all the time ?

People here have offered you some great ideas and advice that you really need to do something with because what it was a red flag about is that he's had enough of the treatment and you'll lose him if it goes on, especially considering his childhood.

Good luck and please do something.