insecurity in relationships

littleindigo · ‎31-08-2020

hi, im a 23yo Female in a year long relationship. i have experienced anxiety and depression all through my adolescence and although i have learnt to manage my emotions better; i fear that being in a relationship has caused a huge spike in unhealthy behaviours and patterns which i am finding difficult to navigate. the first 6 months of our relationship was relatively calm for me. i think because it took me such a long time to let my guard down i was always keeping him at arms length. i hadn't allowed myself to be vulnerable. i had convinced myself that if things were to end, i wasn't as invested and maybe it wouldn't hurt as much. as time has gone on, I've realised how much i do love him and want this to work, but my anxiety has reached a point where its causing significant doubts about us. i was in a horrible relationship 5 years ago, which caused me some ptsd, and those same behaviours that i was exhibiting then has started to surface again. i am lacking trust in my partner. i have caught him out lying about a few things, and also "withholding" information. as much as i try to let it go and move past it, i cant. he has never given me the passcode to his phone, and honestly, i don't want it 'to snoop." i think that knowing it would give me some peace of mind about his trustworthiness. its the fact that he doesn't open snapchats around me. or text people in front of me. if he leaves the room he always takes his phone with him etc. his phone is always face down. i have mentioned this numerous times that it makes me uncomfortable and he always apologises and says he's just a private person. which may be true. but i cant shake those niggly little fears. eating away at me. this relationship is bringing out the most disgusting, jealous parts of me that i cant stand. i am always obsessing about who he's talking to, when he was last active on fb, or instagram. every time i hear his phone buzz, it physically makes me sick and i instantly get full of so much anxiety and wonder who it could be messaging him. its so compulsive, and i cant stop feeling so insecure. its to the point where its so bad, its all i think about. it makes me upset for no reason, but i cant let it go. i don't know how to sustain a relationship whilst feeling like this and i also worry that those behaviours of his arent going to change either. i don't want to live in this space of fear and jealousy and anxiety. any thoughts would be much appreciated.

little indigo x

white knight · ‎31-08-2020

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for a detailed post

Although one could say your ptsd and bad memories is your problems, in a relationship it is the partners responsibility to calm you with reassurance.

Reassurance could come in the form of simple acts- leaving his phone face up, allowing you to view the screen and being less “private”. He is a “private person”... well you can be one and totally committed at the same time.

On the other hand your goals could include being more realistic with your thoughts and fears. Ask yourself constantly “is this realistic “? It is a transformation I carried out with therapy some 33 years ago that I still exercise.

I hope that helps and Reply anytime.

Also google

beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it

TonyWK

DanSquirrel · ‎01-09-2020

Hi I totally understand you. I am going through something similar and I can say that talking is the only way to fix things. My boyfriend also likes his privacy and I don't know the password of his phone because when I did I went through his messages and made a big fight because of it. Maybe he's doing it to protect you because even though it may be nothing in there our mind works differently as we would like to and you may find something that will affect you even though it may be nothing for him. Let him know how this is affecting you and try to find a solution in the middle that will help you to feel good with your insecurities but he will also keep his privacy. Hopefully you can sort it out.

littleindigo · ‎04-09-2020

thanks for the reply; honestly; it's been a really rough few days; I figured out his password and found out he's been cheating on me for the entirety of our relationship. i guess my intuition was right. he was secretive because he's a lying piece of shit. i haven't really been able to process what's happening. i am taking some space to really work through my emotions.

littleindigo · ‎04-09-2020

thanks Dan, yeah it's not a nice situation. i found out yesterday that he indeed was cheating. all those anxieties and fears were real for a reason. not particularly sure where to go from here; but I'm just trying to allow myself time to process and decide if it's something worth salvaging.

white knight · ‎04-09-2020

Hi

you are being rational. At least now you know the truth.

not all guys are like him.

TonyWK

Guest_1643 · ‎05-09-2020

hey little indigo

how are you?

could it be possible that his behaviours of being so private and withholding could have legitmately made you feel jealous and anxious? A lot of us become very anxious in such cirumstances.

I've heard of the strongest and most successful women get very insecure when they suspect they are being lied to. I think it can happen to anyone, and that his behaviour triggered this because it was excessively secretive. He could've done more to make you feel at ease, so you wouldn't have a shred of doubt about his honesty.

I agree with Tony that not all partners will act like this, and he is just not a good enough person worthy of you. Stay strong

littleindigo · ‎05-09-2020

i definitely feel like his behaviour caused me alot of anxiety. i always felt that feeling that there was a part of him I didn't know; it was like I was only getting the parts of him that he wanted to share. as awful as it sounds, as much as I am hurt; i also feel the tiniest bit of relief. all those fears and doubts were for a reason, and I wasn't being insecure without cause. it's been a few days now; we are still speaking; he has since removed her from his life; photos; videos; on social media etc; and told her they can no longer be in contact. which is a start. im not saying I forgive him; I'm still obviously really hurt; but I also feel that I woislnt forgive myself if I didn't at least try to work through this. if in 6 months time; I'm still anxious, feeling insecure etc, then I'll know that it's not meant to be. I know when enough is enough, but I want to atleast try.

Guest_1643 · ‎05-09-2020

hey littleindigo, do u think it might be hard to trust him nw? i dont know how long you were together, but you mentioned the cheating lasted throughout your relationship, which is a lot of deceptiveness to maintain on his part. I would be wary of trusting him

littleindigo · ‎06-09-2020

hey sleepy21; yes definitely alot of decpetivness. im unsure yet if I'll ever get to a place where I'll trust him. we have been together for 1 year. im definitely concerned that I may never be able to feel okay, or to be able to trust him. but then again, I didn't have any trust to start with. perhaps trying to rebuild on new honest foundations might be worth a shot. it's really hard, it feels like there's a tidal wave in my chest. it's so intense, all the time. im trying to allow myself time to really process and really deal with my emotions, but it's really difficult. i would have rather him broken up with me then this. instead of grieving the relationship, I'm trying to process betrayal; hurt; anger; resentment; sadness, confusion. it's all so much and I feel so so sad. im keeping busy. im exercising alot, I'm getting sunshine and listening to music. i know it'll get better. this is the hardest part.

littleindigo x