Insecure partner

katbar · ‎07-12-2018

Hi

First time to post here on the forum for me.

I am a 43 years old married for nearly 20 years with 3 teenage children. My partner has been displaying insecurities within our relationship for a few years now and I am at a loss as what to do. For example today I purchased a new outfit to wear out to a work dinner to which he is not attending. He asked me why I am getting "dressed up" and who was I trying to impress. He also wants to know why I am buying new clothes when I am not going out with him. I have been off work for a few weeks after surgery and the only reasons I bought new clothes was because I wanted to feel nice when I went out. No other reason. There are other examples of his insecurities and it is becoming very frustrating to deal with.

Snowman02 · ‎08-12-2018

Hi Katbar

Not sure if this will be helpful, but your post resonated with me as I have similar issues as your partner, and have been married a similar length of time.

I have always had self esteem problems, particularly in how I look, but this seems to have intensified in the last few years.
Since day one, sex has not featured a great deal in our marriage, and seems to affect me and not my wife. In fact, my wife would probably say there's nothing wrong. I think my wife loves me, but only on a comfort level, and I don't think she's sexually attracted to me.

Over the last few years, I've searched stuff on the internet in order to try to improve this situation, and have probably taken in information that has done me no good at all. I find myself comparing how I look to other better looking men (which is most men) and have developed a mistrust in other men's intentions towards my wife. Any slight looks in her direction or conversations I interpret as a worse case scenario.

I've always known that my wife is out of my league, and many people have kindly told me this, and I have no doubt that if our marriage ended tomorrow, she'd have no trouble finding another partner. Something else that adds to my low self esteem and insecurities.
I'm not pretending I have the answers to overcome this (I wish I did) , or that I'm making excuses for your partner, but I guess I'm hoping that it might give you an insight into his way of thinking, especially if he has similar thoughts or beliefs as I do.
Any questions, please ask.

katbar · ‎09-12-2018

Thanks for your reply. That does help somewhat. I had a great time at my work dinner on Friday night and I think that was because he was not with me and I could be myself. There was a lot of drama leading up to the dinner and a lot of it was not needed. I got a lift home with one of my workmates from her husband and when I got home and my husband opened the door he was asking questions about who bought me home and where I sat in the car!! FFS I am so over his drama.

katbar · ‎09-12-2018

There has been more drama this weekend with my partner. We were invited to a party that I did not want to go to as we knew no one that was going apart from 2 couples one of whom we are more friends with than the other. When we arrived there was no one there that we knew so we were sitting by ourselves. The friends that we know somewhat arrived and we chatted to them briefly but then they went and mingled with others. We were left by ourselves sitting on chairs. There has been drama in the past with the male friend where my husband thinks there is something between us which there is not. An argument erupted as my husband believed I was staring at this person. I was merely sitting looking out into the crowd and he happened to be in my line of sight but I was not staring. This is exactly the reason I did not want to go. We left early and went home and it blew up into a big argument. I slept in the spare room last night. I was really upset with how he behaved and with how insecure he is over this. I dont know how much more I can take of it. We are booked for a cruise in 3 weeks but I dont know whether I want to go. I think I am ready to leave this relationship however I am in no financial position to do so and am only working casually.

geoff · ‎10-12-2018

Hello Katbar, welcome to the forums and for posting your comment in a difficult situation but not uncommon believe it or not, however, a little jealousy can be good in any relationship, because it keeps both of you nm

Your partner is displaying his insecurity because he is imagining something that isn't necessarily going to happen but it's causing problems that are going to create other disagreements within your marriage and is not something that can go away by wishful thinking.

Occasional jealousy can keep a relationship/marriage alive because if you take everything for granted there won't be any excitement and that's what is needed, especially after being married for a long time.

Your husband's distrust begins with doubt, and it might be that thought in the back of his mind that he can’t seem to dismiss, and it would have slowly been building up a couple of days before you went out.

This leads to suspicion, fear and anxiety and can then continue in all aspects of your marriage, like not telling you something that should be discussed between the two of you.

If you decide to go on this cruise then can I suggest you speak to a marriage counsellor, this will make up your mind whether you go or whether you don't.

I would really like to hear back from you.

Geoff.