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I feel so silly writing on here but I don’t have many places to turn to due to embarrassment I feel. I am in a new 5 month relationship. This is my first serious relationship. The past couple of weeks I feel distance from my BF and almost like he doesn’t love as much. I told him I feel as I am more interested in him than he is into me. His response was “ Yeah I don’t know”. From recent conversations he has told me he just isn’t good at expressing his feelings. I don’t know if I am overthinking but I am not 100% convinced. So what else did I turn to, looking through his phone. And yes I feel god awful about doing it, never did I think I would be this type of girl but insecurity does some crazy things. Was I successfully? Well I don’t know found a copy recent messages to some girls on Snapchat but none saved. Could be friends? One he previously use to like. Did I stop there? No. I followed one on Instagram and found a video with her on his shoulders and being touchy. Yes that may be small to some but a part of me wonders why I don’t get that affection? It kinda hurts… I see him once a week for 8 hours if I am lucky. I have never heard of her before. I know I am being crazy insecure and you all thinking what. But I don’t know I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest and turn to someone. I just wish I wasn’t like this because I’ll be dwelling over that one video for the next 4 weeks and will have to bottle it all in.
If you got this far thank you for listening.
Hello Ghostgirl, and a warm welcome to the site.
Being in your first serious relationship you would think would be so exciting, unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be that way with doubts about how your partner is feeling and what you've seen on his phone.
Knowing that he doesn't express himself too well but the video shows him with another person on his shoulders and being touchy indicates another story and he needs to realise that when you're in love with someone, then you don't behave like this with another person, expecting that if one relationship falls away he then has this other person to fall back on, love doesn't work like this because infatuation is too strong.
If you were doing exactly the same then he would be asking questions and also feel insecure, so perhaps you can settle this by asking who he likes the best and don't find it to be appropriate with your relationship.
You want someone to love you and show this to you and please get back when you are able to.
It's not silly at all to be considering how we can gain some solid understanding when it comes to how someone feels about us, especially if our feelings towards them are very strong.
Trying to gain a sense of how someone feels isn't always easy. That niggling feeling - is it gut instinct or is it a little anxiety, based on our own insecurity? When it comes to gaining a sense of how someone feels, I've found it can sometimes be a matter of carefully phrasing things. If you want to know whether you're dealing with a lazy thinker or one who genuinely can't access certain feelings (based on them not having exercised their ability to feel their way through life), a couple of subtle questions might be 'Do you not want to think about the relationship all that much?' or 'How do you feel when you're around me or with me?'. With that first question, a lazy thinker will typically respond with 'I don't like to think about all that kind of stuff'. In other words, it becomes about them, not wanting or caring to consider you or the progress of the relationship. With that second question, someone more considerate may say 'I've never really thought about it before, how I feel'. They'd typically get a way off distant look in their eyes as they consider how they feel. I hope that makes sense.
I've been with the same guy for more than 20 years and when he proclaims he loves me, on the odd occasion I'll say to him 'What does love mean to you?' or 'How do you love me?'. I think it was Shakespeare who penned 'Let me count the ways'. Not that I'm keeping score 🙂 His typical responses are 'I don't know' and 'I just love you'. After 20 something years, he still can't give me a thoughtful answer. He does not wonder beyond 'I don't know'. He doesn't like to be stressed by such questions. Hmmm.
Now that you've seen the pictures, you can't unsee them. Again, it might become about the way you phrase things. 'Are we exclusive or do you see this as more of an open relationship'. See how he reacts. If he says something like 'Do we really have to talk about this?' - no matter what's running through his mind, the fact that he can't or won't think to give you a solid answer is a red flag one way or another. If you want a relationship with a thoughtful person, a balanced thinker and feeler, he may not be the guy for you.
Do you get a sense he's a lazy thinker, who just doesn't want to think about how you feel?
A very warm welcome to our forums. Thank you for your openness and honesty.
I hear your frustrations. I can see that Geoff and Therising have given some fantastic advice. I really like Therising's point about being a lazy thinker vs someone who genuinely struggles with expressing their feelings.
Quite often, it's not until we're in a relationship that we discover what we really value and what we definitely do not value. I gather that you value a partner who can reciprocate your emotions and is comfortable expressing their feelings. Has he always been emotionally distant throughout the relationship, has he always struggled to express his feelings? Or is this something you've noticed more recently? If it is more recent, I would be inclined to say that there's something he's hiding, and his discomfort/guilt/regret may be causing him to react by closing himself off to you emotionally. I also wonder how recent the video was, because if it was during the relationship and it was something he's neglected to mention, then it may unfortunately be a sign that he's got more to hide. If this is, however, a case of him genuinely struggling to express difficult emotions, I would even argue that he may not be the right fit for you as a partner.
I would try to start an open and honest conversation with him about how his actions are making you feel. I see that you have already tried talking to him about this, but like Therising said, I would change the phrasing of your questions to try and determine whether he's not great at communicating his emotions or whether he's got more going on that he's trying to hide from you.
I wish you all the best in this situation. Relationships can be difficult to navigate, but above all, it's important to prioritise yourself, remember your boundaries, and maintain the strength to call out behaviours that do not align with your morals or what you stand for.
You've got this! Take care, SB
Hi there Ghistgirl22 and welcome to our forum!
Please don't feel silly at all, it has taken some strength and resilience for you to write such a clear post.
It does remind me of an amazing girl I went out with for four years - she was gorgeous and my mates always ribbed me about punching above my weight. Anyway over the years I grew increasingly insecure and we often chatted about my feelings about our relationship being a little one sided. It was not great and often kept we awake at night, especially if we went to a party and she was asked out by another guy.
Anyway she finally went back to an old flame in England who came to Australia to 'visit' her. I kind of forced the issue by saying if she didn't feel committed to our relationship then perhaps she had unfinished business with the English boy. It was very hard for me to say that as I did love her.
That was the best thing I ever did as she drifted around for many years and even asked me some time later it I wanted to date her again. By that time I was in a very solid relationship with mutual love and respect, that leaa to us getting married.
Maybe it's time to let your BF know very clearly how you are feeling and ask him if there is any one else around that he is interested in? This will be pretty hard I think as it was for me!
The chances are a conversation of this type will clear the air and leave you in a clearer position and emotionally secure. At the very least you will have given it a go and done the right thing for your own self esteem.
All the very best, I hope things improve one way or another and leave you in a happier place.
Regards, The Bro