Infidelity with sex workers

[Stunned]

my partner and i have been together for over 40 years. We have adult children. Two days ago he discovered a blister on his lip and confessed to me that he was with a sex worker 2 weeks ago, and had visited the same brothel 3 times previously up to 3 years ago. He was very remorseful and upset so i comforted him and told him that in the big scheme of things it wasn't a terrible thing, which i believed, and i still honestly think. But emotionally i feel very betrayed, ashamed, embarrassed, confused and i don’t know what to do. I am trying to be objective. I thought if i can be rational about it i might be able to work through it. I researched brothels and found out what the normal procedure is. I asked him for details because I thought it might help me to stop obsessing and guessing about what happened. I found out that the girls in question didn’t follow safe precautions, but at least used condoms. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me but I just feel broken inside no matter how I try not to overreact 

[ecomama]

Stunned, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry you're experiencing the feelings of betrayal and confusion, what you're experiencing is normal in this situation. 

The shame and embarrassment are ALL on him. 

Over react?? You are NOT over reacting. Don't let anyone tell you that you are, including you know who. 

I'm alot further along the track than you are at this shocking time. HUGS!! 

The day you found out is called D Day or Discovery Day. The day you find out who you're really married to (which shocks a faithful spouse to the core) and the downright awful activities he's been up to, behind your back. 

There's a (mystical) thing called "Reconciliation" after infidelity. Many people make big bucks out of this, so they keep the Industrial Complex going. 

I don't believe in it for 10 million reasons. One being I refuse to be exposed to nasties that risk my life. 

Immediate support for you would be, to request that WH (wayward husband) has a full screen STI checks via his GP. You can go together and both have the tests at the same time. He already has something and possibly more. 

He did the deed and needs to SHOW UP to protect you, even though he's been exposing you for years. 

You would benefit from a Counsellor JUST for you. 

Be watchful about showering WH with pity and comforting him (can't believe you did this, but he must be a smooth manipulator!).
His "remorse" may simply be a disguise for the fact you found out. Now he's busted and crying about it. 
Remorse would be telling you immediately after an "accidental drunken one night stand"... I don't believe in accidents of this type either tbh. 

Also watch for taking responsibility for his actions. WHs actions are all on WH. 

If you feel up to it, you may like to visit Chump Lady dot com. You can also Google search the 8 things cheaters do and say. 

All in all, I extend my deepest compassion for you in this awful time. 
Please take care of yourself. 

Love EM

[Petal22]

Hi stunned,

Im sorry to hear this.

For your husband to have done this is very disrespectful to you Im so sorry.

You have every reason to feel all the emotional things you feel it’s devastating your husband of 40 years did this.

You really aren’t over reacting please don’t allow your husband to make you feel as though you are.

Be honest with him and really make him aware of the pain he has caused you.

A psychologist could be helpful for you so you can work through this for yourself.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Stunned,

I think it is me who is stunned over how well you have responded to this betrayal. You are an absolute saint and he does not deserve such an honest and understanding woman. Your partner visited sex workers behind your back and potentially exposed you to a lifelong sexually transmitted disease with his selfish actions. I would say that almost all people are remorseful when they are caught, but true remorse would have been learning from his behavior the first or even second time and not returning to the brothel, but he has quite a few times now. You are quite right to feel hurt, betrayed, disrespected, because you have been. Take the time to feel what you feel, and allow yourself to feel them, there’s no rush in this situation. A small comment, but you seem to almost sound apologetic for having normal emotions to the situation. Is this something you usually struggle with or is there a particular reason you’re feeling this way now? At any rate. I think it would be really beneficial for you to talk through your feelings with a psych/counsellor and unpack some of them.

[geoff]

Hello Stunned, from what you have told us, to be stunned is an under statement and you are entitled to be rather shocked after being together for over 40 years and this is certainly nothing you would expect because emotionally this has affected you enormously.

His intentions may not have meant to have hurt you, but finally this is something that couldn't have been hidden, one way or another it would have been found out and noticed by a change in personality and/or the money that's been used.

All of this trust, built over 40 years has finally fallen, I'm very sorry to say and may put to question other events that could be questionable and to be broken is understandable.

After all of this time, people don't go out for a one night stand to try and spice up their life because it won't happen.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Stunned]

thank you everyone for your helpful comments. I havent been able to talk to any of my friends about this because they would be so shocked and it would cause a huge drama. It is very comforting to get your feedback

[geoff]

Hello Stunned, thanks for getting back to us, and remember you don't have to tell everyone and anyone you do confide in may not turn out to the best person to have done so and even those who say after they know, 'you should have told us much earlier' may not in the long run be the person to help you.

You can decide the one person you want to tell because they too may be having their own problems, but can I suggest that you just tell them a small amount first of all and wait to see if they are worried for you.

Geoff.

Life Member.