Infatuation in marriage

[Rex007]

Hi
My wife of 17years is infatuated on another guy living overseas. She claims that he is like the brothers she doesn't have but earlier on in there relationship she told me that she had fantacised about him once. She said that it was a mistake and that she doesn't think of him in a physical way. However she talks to him twice a day - Every day. I've told her how upset it makes me feel but she just says that she can't control her feelings. It hurts so much that I don't sleep at night. She sleeps just fine.
The only reason that I'm still here (apart from our two kids that I love) is t that I still love her. I also know that for t h e l as t few years she has struggled with mental health issues to do with her family. I supported her as best I could through it all
The strange thing is that this guy is the total opposite personality type and I know that she would never leave the kids to be with him for so many reasons.
I have been seeing a councillor regarding my feelings and we are also seeing a Separate marriage councillor to work on our marriage. His strategy is for us to explore other interests so that we can have something different to talk about. Only I feel with the hurt I'm feeling I'm likely to run off with the first person that showed half an interest in me. It's not what I want. Unfortunately my wife is my one and only best friend which makes the thought of separating impossible to bear.
I'm really confused and gave no idea what to do. I'd love to hear any suggestions or hear from anyone that has been t through something similar
P,S, I have this guy as my Facebook friend - I feel like telling him to go away because I think he would. But if my wife found out our marriage would be over anyway

[Betternow]

Hi Rex

So sorry to read about your troubles. Your wife talking to a man twice a day who she admitted once fantasised about is not acceptable in any marriage. You mention your wife has had her mental health burdens but that doesn't excuse the behaviour, it just provides some context. Although your wife says her friend is just like a brother, the problem for you is the emotional energy she is expending on this fellow leaves less for you.

As a result, it seems you are making your emotional needs smaller and smaller so you can somehow keep your wife and family stable. Obviously, you can't live like this indefinitely. You are already seeing two counsellors (one for you and one as a couple). I would be interested to know what the individual counsellor is saying to you.

The bottom line is that if your wife is not prepared to listen to you, she is not showing respect for you. You say you love her but does she love you? I don't care if she tells you she loves you, but what do her actions say.

The sentence below tells me a lot Rex.

I feel like telling him to go away ....... But if my wife found out our marriage would be over anyway

A marriage that relies on such a shaky foundation for stability in my view is not worth having. You may have to man up and set the (reasonable) boundaries you expect. If your wife can't handle it, you have your answer as to what to do next.

[Aaronsis]

Hello Rex007

Sorry that this is happening to you, and that it is happening to you right in front of your face, for you to see, which I am not sure is more or less painful that a "secret affair"..I am not a marriage counsellor, however I am on the other side of a failed marriage so have had my time in these sessions also. I think it is wonderful that you are taking some counselling and some advice from a professional.

I have a question though, what are the suggestions from your counselor that you see together as to how she should be managing this relationship with this other person? I am sensing here that her behavior has not changed in anyway, which leads me to ask her commitment to the sessions and to making you feel secure and valid? She knows this is very painful for you, why if she is trying to mend the relationship is she not at the very least reducing the amount of time that she is communicating with this other person? If he is indeed just a friend then I am sure your request to reduce this interaction would be taken on board?

I understand what you are saying by having some individual interests so that you can come together and share new conversation, I hear what you are saying in that you are so craving attention that ANY attention has the potential to cast your eyes in a different direction, however maybe this is a message to you also that maybe this relationship has run its course? I might be wrong here in that you said you still do love her, but if staying just for the kids is your reason, please consider you, you matter too, and so does your happiness.

I left my marriage when my children were 8 and 10, in all honesty the marriage was over long before I left, however I "stayed for the kids"...can I say to you that the way I played out leaving in my head over and over went very differently in real life..my kids could sense we were not happy and I didn't realize how much happier they would be with us apart. They now have the best version of me and the best version of their dad. Can I suggest that sometimes it doesn't go as bad as we think. You matter and your happiness matters.

My opinion, and this is just mine is to leave the other man alone, you want to know that your wife has at least decreased contact with him as she wants to consider you, not because you have told him to. As you said, she would be angry I suspect anyway. However, I think you need to be clear with her what you want her to do.

More in the next chat...

Hugs

Sarah x

[Quercus]

Hi Rex and welcome.

I'm glad you reached out here. Your story is a distressing one. I can't imagine how it must feel but I'm thankful that you chose to write and talk about it.

Betternow has already written a lot of how I felt too reading your post. Your reaction sounds very reasonable to me. I wouldn't be able to be as kind as you've been.

My first thought was to wonder if you had any family members you trust to confide in and ask for support? You have therapists but you do sound very alone. You said your wife is your only friend... Do you have any old friends or colleagues you might try reach out to?

One thought I can't seem to shake... I wonder what your wife hopes to achieve? She knows she's doing something that upsets you and is putting your marriage at risk. Does she love and respect you? Her actions don't show it.

Wish I knew how to help.

nat

[Rex007]

Hi
Thanks for your comments. I often have to ask myself why she keeps talking to him if she knows it upsets me. And I have been honest about how I feel. Like everyone says it shows a lack of respect. It's like I'm asking her to choose between him and me. I have another session with my councillor in a couple of hours and it can't come soon enough. I have one or two major decisions to discuss.
T h an kids again.

[Rex007]

Hi Sarah
Thanks for your comments. Our marriage councillor believes that it would be good for us to each gave separate friends. What he fails to see is that he is more than a friend. Also he has no idea of t the emotional place that she's coming from. She is desperate to connect with someone and this guy is taking advantage of that. It's now like I'm asking her to choose between him and me. I have another session with my councillor in a couple of hours and it can't come soon enough. I have one or two major decisions to discuss.
Thanks again.

[Rex007]

Hi
Thanks for the reply. It's good to have someone's thoughts. Unfortunately I have been so close to my wife for so long I no longer have anyone that I can confide in for support- something that I'll have to work on quickly if things go sour. What's in it for my wife? Other then living a fantasy - this guy has made her feel sorry for him. He's Indian, living in Paris where covid19 is bad. No longer h as a job

[Rex007]

Hi
%3cbr/%3eThanks for the reply. It%27s good to have someone%27s thoughts. Unfortunately I have been so close to my wife for so long I no longer have anyone that I can confide in for support- something that I%27ll have to work on quickly if things go sour. What%27s in it for my wife%3f Other then living a fantasy - this guy has made her feel sorry for him. He%27s Indian%2c living in Paris where covid19 is bad. No longer has a job. His visa has run out so he's there illegally. Can't go back to India for fear of persecution...it goes on.
I feel the reason for her actions lies partly with our two kids. Both have ASD and that alone puts a strain on a marriage. She's either looking for a fantasy to escape reality or she wants to help him in a way that she couldn't with them. Unfortunately I am the collateral damage in all this.
I have another session with my councillor in a couple of hours and it can't come soon enough for me. There are a couple of important decisions that I need to discuss.
Thanks again.

[Aaronsis]

Great to hear back from you Rex007

That is a real shame that the cousellor is not seeking the history of the relationship and digging deep to find out why this relationship is causing you pain and in turn what your wife can be doing differently, if he is in fact a friend, to make you feel at ease. This is the reason you are seeking support from a professional so maybe it is time to not wait for the counsellor to ask maybe you can bring this issue to the table and express how it is impacting you. This also gives your wife a chance to hear how you are feeling and perhaps get some real support in progress here. I am by no means poo pooing your counsellor, just maybe she might need some steering to the root cause of your issues here.

All the best for your session in one hour, I am so glad you are getting some help and I hope that it is benefiting you Rex007.

Great to chat to you some more and hope you are feeling better from sharing your pain here today.

Hugs

Sarah

[Rex007]

I spoke to my councillor yesterday afternoon. He said that it's clear that I was upset and that I should Ser boundaries regarding this relationship. That I deserved some respect

So I spoke to my wife last night and told her how much her relationship with this guy was hurting me I don't think she fully understands. Anyway I think she did say to her friend that she wanted a break but instead of agreeing he wanted to talk to me

So I had to listen to him for half an hour telling me that he was just a good friend and that he would be my friend to and that he didn't want to interfere in our marriage. What I couldn't tell him was about my wife's emotional infidelity and that while she loved me she wasn't "in" love with me If he knew that then he would think different if he was a genuine guy.

So basically they both put it back on me - like it's my decision whether they can talk. It's my wife's choice and I would never tell her to do anything. So she's back to messaging him this morning. Like she had no idea at all. I am now in the mindset that it's over. I'm looking to join some clubs and make friends so that when it ends I'll have some support to pick up the pieces.

The only thing that could stop this now is the fact the she is going to see a psychologist in a couple of weeks. However it could take a while to unpack all her problems and I'm not sure I'll still be here. I can only take so much.
Thanks again to everyone who's replied.