Incredible anxiety

[Gigi1981]

Hello,

I am suffering from incredible anxiety at the moment. I am in a relationship with a man that has separated from his wife and he always said that there was no more love and she just makes him angry and sad. He has just reached the worst phase of separation grief and is completely confused with the turmoil of feelings. I am giving him all the time and space he needs but the other day, when I asked him whether he is contemplating going back to her, he said he doesn't know and he is confused. Today, we had an accidental conversation about it and I told him that I would need to leave his life if he is thinking of going back to his wife because I could not watch him make himself unhappy and I could not watch him give up getting through the pain of grief although he is so close to getting better. He said "it wouldn't be giving up. I'm not giving up.". The statement "it wouldn't be giving up" has created incredible fear in me because I feel he may really consider going back although I actually thought he is just incredibly confused and in pain. I don't know what to do, I was shaking for 15 minutes and I felt terrible for bringing it up at the wrong time. We will sit down on the weekend to talk properly and I am so scared. He says he cares a lot about me, we had a very happy day just yesterday and he told me that he told his friend about me the other day and that it made him so happy. I am terribly confused and just so incredibly anxious. Please, can someone make some sense of this. When you go through the worst separation phase where all feelings crash in on you, can that mean you are just confused about your options but it does not necessarily mean you will act on your thoughts? Or am I going to lose it and I am just closing my eyes because I don't want to accept it. We had the best year together, and a really really close relationship and bond. I could not see this coming, I am so utterly confused.

[Croix]

Dear Gigi1981

Welcome back, I read your post above, plus the recent one you made talking with Marie_W plus some from a couple of years ago when I talked with you before. It is a horrible situation to be in. I assume you are now in a fresh relationship, your marriage having not lasted -please tell me if I've made a mistake.

I notice one thing your psych said back then which I think applies similarly now:

She gave me a strategy to give the marriage a chance but set times for myself at which I will look at it and re-evaluate.

Now might be such a time. Having a relationship with someone who has not wholly broken off with the previous one is something that will leave anyone apprehensive. With a past unhappy experience it is no wonder you are so confused and even frightened.

While it is easy to take things out of context your man saying "it wouldn't be giving up" does lead one to suspect he regards his broken marriage as a failure to be remedied.

I guess after a year a partnership should ideally have reached the stage where each person regards the other as the most important thing, and is prepared to demonstrate this, divorce being a good candidate. From the sound of it it is possible your man is in a position where he cares for you but also wishes to 'fix' his old relationship.

Mind you that is not to say his old relationship could be repaired, it is not just up to him.

In your place I'd need commitment and security, not ongoing confusion and doubt.

I know this is no real answer, but maybe it will get you to look at thngs with perspective. Do you have a family member or a friend to talk matters over with, someone who cares about you?

Croix

Croix