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In love and confused

themadchatter
Community Member
I need advice. I met this girl online in a Facebook group and found myself attracted to her instantly in addition to liking her personality as well. She's funny, caring, has beautiful eyes and a lovely smile. I wrote a note to her telling her what I like about her while she was asleep one night. She woke up and felt so special because of it. One thing led to another and we both realised we liked each other. Spoke to each other everyday on the phone as well as texting. Sometimes calling a few times a day. I was falling hard for this girl. As I tend to fall hard quickly. She wanted me to come see her to see how compatible we are together. I live in Adelaide and she lives in Northern NSW...close to the Qld/NSW border. So I purchased some airfare tickets to come see her. She made it known to the group that she and I were interested in each other and she could be friends with other guys but could only offer them friendship, as she was keen on me and I on her. However this one guy realised he liked her too. Kept messaging her and asking her to ring him. After I had bought my tickets to fly to her...she revealed to me the other day that in addition to us liking each other she also likes this other dude and he likes her. Now she finds herself in a predicament...having to choose between one of us. All because this other dude wouldn't take no for an answer. She told him she could only be friends with him but feels like he guilted her into liking him by talking to her as much as I was. My flight to see her is tomorrow night. But last couple of days just feels like she is slowly distancing herself from me. She says she is excited about me hanging with her and I am excited too. But if she decides to tell me not to come then I am out $300+ dollars and I potentially miss out on her as well. I just don't know what to think anymore
9 Replies 9

SubduedBlues
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi MadChatter

Not having experienced a virtual relationship before, I cannot completely assimilate with what you are going through. That said, however, I will endeavour to drawn similarities from that which I have experienced before the Internet existed.

Living in rural Oklahoma, there we not a lot of womenfolk around, so a good friend of mine got it in his mind that he'd get himself one of those mail-order brides. He chose a profile from a magazine and started writing letters back and forth for many weeks. A few months in and they were talking on the telephone and he thought she was definitely the one for him. So he was planning a trip to NYC to meet this lady, but learned that other men were also pen-palling within her; and he was concerned about the perceived competition. What if he wasn't what she wanted. What if the other guys were a better catch. He took the trip, and where he didn't come back with her... he was glad that he made the trip. It allowed him to understand the actual her, over the person he envisaged through letters, photos, and phone calls.

I guess what I am saying, is you have come this far and already spent the $300 on airfare. I suspect its unlikely that you could get a full refund on your air ticket this late, so you might as well go meet the real person. Either you come back with a stronger connection with her, or you come back with a better understanding of who she is. Either way, you will be better off than you are now ... wondering "what if"

Lastly: since she has the predicament of having to choose...
the question is: what are you going to do to help her choose you?

SB

I'm just so confused. A couple of days ago she seemed really into me. She was messaging me as well as us talking on the phone. And today was like she was barely interested in chatting to me. I don't know what I could have done to cause such an extreme change in her enthusiasm towards me. I worry before my flight later tonight she will tell me not to even come...and that's 300 in flights cash lost and I miss out on the chance to get to spend time with her. I want to give her space to deal with all the things she is dealing with and not be clingy but also don't want to make it seem like I am ignoring her. I want to let her know as long as I am around I will do whatever I can to make her happy. I hate feeling like I have done something wrong to her 😞

Hey Madchatter

Firstly, I'm not stalking you - but I do notice a theme in your threads. It's a pity there's no real men's groups that I know of in Adelaide because I seriously think they would help. Hey I'd be interested too.

The reason I say this is becasue i think it's extremely important that guys hang with other guys on a regular basis. Not only is this good for the soul but it's, well, manly. It helps us connect, express our feelins/problems and helps to keep us grounded. This can also spill over into our relationships with women to promote more confidence to set the tone and take the lead (in a good way).

The problem is, is that this rarely happens - we lose friendships, people get married and have kids and before you know it we're living separate lives stuck into work, family, kids, or just isolated in general.

I've harped on about this before and please forgive me if I've recommended this but Dr Robert Glover talks about the Nice Guy Syndrome - check it out. I certainly fit that mould and I'm trying to move away from some of those traits (some are...not so "nice").

Back to you situation - there's so many variables. She's probably getting a little nervous about you coming over which is normal. I mean you've never met her so there's bound to be nerves. All this "other guy" stuff is a little silly and high schoolish - treat it as such. You've booked your tickets now. If she doesn't want you to come suddenly then she's obviously not worth the effort. Rise above it and try and have some fun doing something else over there - perhaps you know someone else you could visit instead? Be yourself but don't do anything crazy like profess your love or anything. Don't tell her you're there to make her happy and PLEASE don't think you've done anything wrong to her. You can't control her actions so control your own. If she's not into you that's her problem, not yours. You've got to move away from that and that's the "Nice Guy" talking. She doesn't need you to make her happy and vice versa. Go with an open mind. Be confident. Don't talk about this other guy AT ALL. If she brings it up change the topic. You're the man of the hour not that dude.... let us know how you go and be awesome πŸ™‚

Madchatter & Apollo

There are men's groups all over the country.
Have a look at http://mensshed.org/find-a-shed/

SB

How did it go??

Well that was quite possibly the hardest week I have ever had in my life. The first night I got there we cracked jokes, made each other laugh, shared a kiss etc. I thought this is going to go so well. How wrong I was 😞 the second day she spent pretty much all of it on the phone talking to a guy for 8 hours. Didn't want to be rude and demand she hang up so I just sat around and waited patiently. I then said I was going for a walk. Came back to hers and she told me she had had an anxiety attack on the phone and because of it she told me she was only interested in being single and finding herself. Which I accepted. Can't make someone date you. Either the next day or the day after she revealed on Facebook while I was being ignored that she was now in a relationship with the dude on the phone. While I was sitting there with a million thoughts running through my head. I congratulated her and then felt like I couldn't be in the situation or stay at hers any longer. I was resolved to sleep on the streets if I had to. Of course this made her get off the phone and pay attention to me, she said she had no issue with me staying with her, which I stupidly did. The rest of the time I was there was a mixture of being fun and being depressive. Fun when she and I spent time together and made each other laugh. But got me down when she was on the phone to him. Anyway I flew home last night. On the 18th and she is treating me as if I don't exist. Or as if I am lower than garbage. Okay so she didn't want to date me, that I can accept..she did say however she wanted to be friends and how I am stuck with her as a friend for life....but even as us being friends she still disregarded me some of the time. I'm just so broken as a result of this experience. I don't know how someone can claim to care and love someone else as a friend and do what she did to me

Sorry to hear that man. You deserve way better than that. I mean, that behavior is unbelievable.

I am just done with females for a while. I can't keep handling all this alone. Going to try and work on myself, however someone is meant to do that

Jenna6
Community Member
We are together 2 months, he says he is extremely attracted to me, and I know he is, that’s not the issue . But every time we get intimate he pulls away saying he gets so scared that he can’t control himself with me?