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In-laws, the best approach
2016 and the world is just as cruel to some as its ever been.
With around 40% of marriages failing let's think zbout how many children lose one full time parent? How many of these children must endure a step parent they don't connect with? And how many lose contact with their doting grandparents?
The children and their grandparents relationship often is severed when patents split. I suggest ...what about the rights of the children to have ongoing contact with their grandparents and visa a versa.?
I have my best mate and his wife, they have 3 kids under 8yo. They split 6 months ago. My friend was to have sole custody as his wife preferred a working career. When they went their separate ways my friend rang his mother in law and father in law, two people he didn't see eye to eye with. He told them that they had proven to be wonderful grandparents and there is no reason he could think of that would justify them not continuing their roles as they always had.
This forward, uncommon gesture of fairness and respect resulted in his in-laws continuing a positive regular visitation régime that benefitted everyone.
3 months on and my friends marriage got patched up. When they discussed about reuniting his wife mentioned his maturity with "that phone call" to her parents as the catalyst to her decision to return.
Based on this, if you have an estranged marriage and the grandparents are good at loving your kids, nurture that, give respect where its due and above all never deny your children their grandparents unless you are certain their safety is at risk. Ignore idiosyncrasies like too many lollies before dinner. Flex!
Share your children to loving family. They are not part of ones arsenal to cause more hurt than what has already been created. Being kind, respectful and promoting good easy going communication with those that love your children is another way of you providing them with the best childhood they can have under the circumstances.
Great topic Tony WK
Your words are spot on. My daughter has been used as a pawn from her mother since I split up with her in 1996.
My daughter was told by her mum that my parents were 'bad people'. My daughter was 3 years old at the time. My ex used her as a vehicle to prevent any contact with my parents when I applied to the Family Court for the fortnightly access I was entitled to. My daughter was a part of my ex partner's arsenal to destabilize any future relationship with my parents (and myself) (her nan and pop on my side)
I never used my daughter as a 'weapon' where access was concerned, ever. I went without access to my 3 year old daughter for 10 months and I still never used my daughter as a weapon against my ex. I cried a lot but never sandbagged her mum.
A partner should respect and acknowledge the right of the child to have a relationship with the grandparents on either side.
It is sad but 'some' females just don't understand parental responsibility after giving birth.
Note: A persons race, gender or financial status is irrelevant on this matter. My ex was a very successful corporate person who did everything she could do stop visitation/communication with our daughter where me and my parents were concerned.
My 23 year old daughters' current relationship with her nan and pop?.......Zero.....I wonder why?
Thankyou Tony for an important topic
Throughout history countries have risen up against tyranny against all odds to conquer over wrong doing.
The recent trend to deny blood family from their own children will one day be recognised as the cruel days they be. A modern world with still serious flaws is a blight on a good society.
I've been lucky this year, my youngest at 24yo walked back into my life after 11 years of brainwashing. It turned out she eventually had similar problems with her mother that I had with her mother.
We have grown up in a world we believed was fixed from its past cruelties but badly let down by the now common marriage split and its often revengeful acts that follow. I mean the revengeful had had a close meaningful romantic relationship with the other parent, shared a home, loved and shared a child....I know in my first marriage my ex wife believed her motherhood was far more important than my fatherhood. "I am the mother" and "as a mother.....but you wouldn't understand".. Were trusted on me for years. Yet when the split comes their revenge is so strong evil words poison beautiful young minds behind closed doors.
You can't combat things out of your control Paul. No law can outlaw evil nasty people. So what are we left with? Our dignity. Like those brave people against tyranny we need to stand tall and face wrong doing in a measured mature manner and move forward.
We can't count the endless tears but we can accept that some things are out of our control and that evil, unlike Hollywood tells us, sometimes wins. Accepting that will mean fewer tears in the future. From the moment your sorrow reduces, your battle against the revengeful takes a turn.
An incident occurred over the xmas period that caused me to think of this thread.
My second cousin had separated from her husband. They have 2 children 5 and 4yo. The split was vicious and the spite overflowed to xmas eve when I chatted to her about developments. She told me of the arguments and what resulted was that she had insisted to her now ex partner that she had the children xmas eve (so they could watch the carols on TV- a xmas tradition) then she had them xmas day (again tradition and her parents were to come for xmas lunch...then finally she wanted them at xmas dinner for extended family. "You can have them Boxing day" she told him "but you have to have them back by the 27th December, the next day because I'm taking them down the beach for 2 weeks."
To me this was over the top with possession of their children. Her ex got angry and the last time they spoke he threatened legal action.
We all know that legal action is financially crippling and let's face it...it take s along time to sort out issues.
I had to comment. "Do you think you are sharing your children fairly or are you restricting them for another reason."? Further questions revealed that her family she is to entertain xmas for dinner are to be present at the holiday house for the two weeks so...why does she need to have the children there then for dinner.?
Eventually after we chatted she rang her ex. She admitted she had been unreasonable and that, thinking of her children, him and his family he can pick the children up at 3pm xmas afternoon and he can have them for 4 days. And..."it would be nice to drop them off half way to the holiday destination after that." Also "we can alternate our xmas visits."
The kids father's response was elation and suggested that they work out their holiday periods together more fairly in the future- "just like this".
Childrens visitations are like a pendulum....it can be one extreme (bitter fighting) or it can be bliss. Working as a team is difficult when, as you were together it wasn't possible, now you have to do that when you are separated...it's tough. But can be done.
Try just being fair and nice. That's all.