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In a terrible marriage and it's hurting the kids

Community Member

Hi All.

I resent my wife for some awful things she has done in the past which I won't go into - she has never cheated on me, I haven't either. Yet I kept thinking it might work out and I held out hope that we would be happy one day so I keep trying. Yet I hate her for the way she acts, she never takes the blame for anything, she plays the victim, she makes out that I am the worst person on the planet, she tells tales to anyone who will listen so she has turned everyone against me even though I'm a good man, a good parent. I honestly do a lot more than her for the house, the family (yet she will swear blind that I do nothing and she does everything!), I gave up everything for her and her son, who I have raised as my own. Yet she has turned even him against me. We don't sleep together and have not even touched each other for over 2 years. There are about 100 texts a day of her trying to blame me for something I didn't do (or some massive exaggeration) or demand I do something for her (in the hope things will be better - coercive control and emotional abuse). She can do 'no wrong'. We're talking about a woman, who when my grandparents died, she didn't ask how I was feeling. I may not be perfect but she is not either (to be clear, I am not violent). I can be cold too and I can get angry, although I feel that I do not initiate any negativity though and all I want is happiness. It is incredibly hard being with someone who doesn't ask how I am, doesn't look at me and 100% of conversations are anger towards me. I have tried to escape this many times but can't for one reason or another.

Last time we separated, she didn't let me see my son for months, changed the locks and called the police for vexatious reasons. I can't go through that again so I will not leave the house this time. I want to separate and leave her so much but she refuses to talk about it and then says "be a better person and we could be happy one day" or similar. Why doesn't she let me go? I want to leave but the cost of divorce is scary and our young son would be devastated. I live for him now, I find myself living to protect him against the brainwashing she has done to my stepson. I feel that is my role, just to be a dad even though she tries to destroy that.

I am alone in Australia though, so I am trapped. How do I leave? Do I just go on living an unhappy life forever or until my son is older? I don't mind never speaking with her again, in fact, that would be nice but she keeps screaming at me

4 Replies 4

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

I don't have all the answers.

If you separate you don't have to apply for a divorce. You can, like I did, wait until she does, if she wants to go to the trouble. 12 months separation is required.

You won't be required to pay any monies towards child support for her son. If your child remains with her then you will need to pay for him until 18yo or when he finishes HSC. The figure you can work out on the CSA website.

Nowadays both patents are treated equal in respect to who gets some custody /visitation rights or shared care. That is an area you'd have to explore with a family solicitor. Do this before separation as, like you said, you want to remove any possibility of time away from your child. A court order making her allow weekend visits might be issued.

My ex wife used silence as a weapon, it is a form of narcissism. Use google-

Beyondblue topic narcissism

Beyondblue topic silence the goood and the bad

Beyondblue topic the definition of abuse

Queen witch hermit waif

Repost anytime

By the way

Place all details of past experiences into a log. Details of her denying access would be very helpful to a judge delivering access.

Also keep a diary of any daily occurrences.

Be strong and remember, whatever happens with the whole ordeal, one day you'll be released from this unacceptable behaviour.


Community Member
Holy cow. Whilst two situations are never identical, your first paragraph was something I can definitely relate to.

Community Member
Oh how I can relate to it all!
If you read my own forums you'll understand exactly how I can relate
Your not alone. I have been engaged for 2 years now. To be married next September and I love him but resent him all at the same time. He makes me feel like I'm the problem for feeling the way I feel about our problems and my postnatal depression and how I feel towards my son(it's complicated)
Your not alone at all.
Reaching out on these forums is probably the best thing I've ever done
This is my safe place