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Im scared of going back to despair again.

Beaser
Community Member

Hi my best wishes to everyone.

Ive had a very traumatic weekend . My partner of 18 months has ended our relationship. I know that we have problems. I have been heavily involved in my football club it has been like my family as i dont have any that i see. My girlfriend struggles with my need to see my friends and we just dont seem to have that common ground. Im scared of being alone again but i need my friends and interest outside of our relationship. Ive tried to be a good partner and help wherever i can and include my partner with my outside interests. I think that the two years of covid and the isolation has caused me to be needy. I dont know what to do or where to turn. Things are spiralling for me. I am hating my job as its very negative and there are a lot of unhappy people there. I have been there for about 13 years. I have been in a very bad space after previous relationship breakups and im so scared of going there again. I have leant heavily on friends and im scared if i do it again it might scare them away. Thank you for reading my post. I would be open to any ones thoughts and suggestions. Brett.

15 Replies 15

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Brett, it's understansable that if your r/lationship has ended then perhaps it's going to affect how you will think about whether or not you are going to like your job, this may only be temporary.

There may be a problem in that you like spending time with your football mates at the club rather than with your g/friend and this could be why she has left you.

I am not criticising you at all, just pointing out something that could be important in being able to hold her, as she may not be a football fan.

Your friends have obviously been a good support and friendship but they can't give you what your girlfriend can offer, I know these are different issues, but a girlfriend is where you start to build your life with, whereas your mates are for companionship.

Are you able to contact her again and suggest a week end away.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Beaser
Community Member
Hi Geoff and thank you. I think your right when things like a relationship breakdown occurs it makes everything else seem a lot worse. Just on your suggestion to make contact. I’ve decided it might be best to leave it for a bit as I think she needs some breathing space. Maybe I do too I understand too that relationship s. And friends are different. I just think that you need to balance it. We just don’t seem to have a common ground with things. Brett

day1startsnow
Community Member

Hi Brett,

sorry to hear of your relationship break down. I can relate to this happening to me recently.

It is a confusing time post-breakup, filled with emotions. I have found spending time with friends to be amazing. You mentioned you have friends that have supported you before -true friends will support you through the good and bad times, I do not think they would it would scare them away by you asking for their support. I hope you are ok! - Ash

Hi Ash. Thank you for your reply and kind reply.

I am finding it all so hard at the moment. Things like do i make contact or leave it for awhile. Am i better off just getting through each day and trying to move on . I spoke to my phycologist two days ago . Im trying to function as normal but i feel so weighed down with life at the moment. Thank you..... Brett .

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Brett, if you don't have a common ground that's not so bad, just as long as you can accept what each other wants to do, for example, she may like going to op shops, whereas you don't want to go with her, there isn't anything wrong with that, or you want to go the footy, while she'd prefer to go to a girlfriend's place, having your own interests can keep a partnership together.

It's also ok to give her some breathing space, we all need this for any or a specific reason, and she may come back learning from this experience.

Take it easy.

Geoff.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Brett

I feel for you so much as you face this deeply challenging time. It's a truly horrible feeling, when you can feel yourself on the brink of falling back into depression. Can be an experience of mixed emotions, including disappointment, fear, desperation, sadness, confusion etc.

COVID lockdowns, grrr. Being a Melbourne gal and having managed to raise myself out of depression some years back, the lockdowns were tough. By the time we entered into the 2nd I was on a rant to my 19yo daughter and 16yo son about how I couldn't manage another. Little did I know we had plenty more to come. With the lockdowns there was a lot of soul searching. Wondering 'How can I manage the lack of excitement, the lack of adventure, the lack of mental stimulation, freedom, community contact and so on led to a lot of revelations. One of those 'Suppressing our nature, especially long term, can become depressing' and another involved waking up to what's so desperately needed in order to really feel a connection to life. I think life beyond lockdowns triggered a kind of quest for a lot of people. On any significant quest there can be a lot of questions such as

  • Who brings me the most joy? I imagine you found it was your friends
  • What leads me to feel excitement on a level where I can really feel it? Meeting with groups of high vibing people will often do the trick, if that's the kind of energy we're looking for
  • Who leads me to openly vent and/or explore challenges on a constructive level, whether that simply involves stress release or problem solving? A friendly group of open minded people who can have a bit of a laugh at the insanity of life at times can work

The list goes on when it comes to such a soulful quest.

I found, on such a quest, I moved more toward certain people and, in turn, away from my husband. The following's not a criticism, simply an observation - He admits he's not big on adventure, excitement, open minded wonderful conversations and he's more a low viber, often stating 'I'm so tired' yet doing nothing to change that. At only 55, he simply chooses to declare 'It's just a part of getting old'.

Sounds like your friends may have offered you exactly what you needed. Did you gravitate toward them too much, based on a lack of something in the relationship? That's something only you can answer. Sounds like you're fully waking up to how soul destroying your job is, which I can relate to myself. Finding the courage and energy to change our job can be a challenge 🙂

Beaser
Community Member
Thank you for your great reply. Its so well put together and pretty much accurate.Yes i have realised how much my work is affecting my life. Im applying for jobs and if im not successful i might even jump ship. I have built up some long service and AL so i have a bit of a buffer. Yes the Victorian lockdowns were so tough on us and its hard to just snap out of such a crap two years. And yes my friends do provide an outlet that perhaps i have missed. Im trying to not make any contact with my partner as i think its best for us both . As they say sometimes you need to get yourself right. If its meant to be i think it will work out for us . Thank you again. Happy to chat more Brett

Beaser
Community Member
Thanks again for that great reply. Sorry if my reply yesterday seemed a bit sloppy as i had to head out however i wanted to reply to your message. Im just trying to get through each day at the moment . I have managed to not make any contact with my "maybe" ex as i think its the best way . Friday today so thats a good thing. My work is really getting me down i definitely need to change something . You mentioned that you went through something similar i was wondering how you managed to go about things if you felt like talking about it . Please feel free to ask anything

Beaser
Community Member
Just dont now where to turn. Ive been ringing the Beyond Blue help line and spoken to counsellors and they have been fantastic but i quickly go back again after our chats. I have an appt with a Dr today i cant get into see my regular one I split up with my partner of 18 months and am so lonely if im honest things never seemed quite right between us . So is it just that im lonely and was i in it for the wrong reasons.Im 56 and feel all washed up .Im off work for the week ive applied for a new job but at the moment i dont think i could handle such a change.. I really dont know how to handle things at the moment...Would anyone have any ideas or encouragement. I wish everyone a happy day . Brett