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Im moving with my husband and my mum wants to come
Welcome Onepa to the forum,
This is an interesting dilemma. I may need to ask a few questions because it helps me to understand the situation, Feel free to only answer if you feel comfortable.
How far is the town from where you live now?
Is your mum on her on?
Are you an only child?
Do you think your mum hay have been testing the waters by saying she may apply for a Jon in the same town at you are moving to.
Can you explain she is welcome to visit and you will keep in touch. Maybe she needs reassurance.
I'd think this is a difficult thing to do, particularly if your mum's need is an emotional one, rather than financial or needing help physically.
I guess if it was me I'd take two approaches. The first being to say that the pair of you need space in order to grow together, rely on each other and find ways that do not involve others to deal with the problems that are bound to crop up between you. You can say it is the only way to build a robust lifetime commitment that will stand the test of time.
Perhaps you can put it as an extension of the life skills and love she has given you since childhood, where leaving the family home is a natural part of that cycle.
Secondly you can emphasize this is not a complete severance, with a desire to meet and be with her on regular occasions. Even encourage her to take more time doing things in your absence. If there is anything she has wanted to do - a trip, an interesting job or whatever you can think of then now might be the time to encourage her to do it.
If she has responsibilities where she is now, other family needs, social organizations and so on, then they can be pointed out too.
From my own experience even if a parent is quiet when present and says absolutely nothing it changes the who dynamic of the household, and early in one's partnership when establishing roles I don't think it is helpful.
Thanks for replying.
We live in Perth. we are moving to the Kimberley so 3000k's away.
I have two older brothers, both are divorced and one lives with her and he works FIFO.
I explained to her that she is more than welcome to come visit. It's just I'm 33 and haven't ever been truly independent. My partner and I have a housemate and mum lives 5 minutes from us so we have never really had our time because she drops in. I feel awful but at the same time I'm excited for the independance if that makes sense?
I've read the replies from Quirky and Croix and have to agree, if your mum does get a job and move into this small town then you will regret her doing so.
The freedom of being by yourself will go, she can still talk with you on facebook if you like it, or perhaps on Skype or even face time when you feel as though you want to talk with her, whereas if she's with you then how many days/nights will you have to yourself, and that's the reason why you chose to move, to be by yourself, to start a family when you decide.
A 1000 population is a lovely environment, quiet, will make friends easily, people can help you and join in the fun just as you help them out.
Little country towns are such great fun, and I have said no to my son's request to move closer to them because they have their own life and what they do is their business, not to be decided by me.
How about telling your mum to stay put, let the two of you settle in, that it could be a temporary job and if you have any other siblings then she 'll be far away from them.
She will overcome your decision for her not to move, as you still have 3 months with her before the marriage.
I am 26 and I moved out of home about 1.5 years ago. I desperately needed to be on my own and just living independently because I never had that. Even when travelling overseas, I -had- to make contact each day or she would start calling my friends. I'd also once gone to watch a movie and in the 2 hours that I was not available, she'd managed to think that I'd been kidnapped and started messaging that she'd call the cops if I didn't respond.
When I moved out of home, she started having these ideas that I'd go every Friday for dinner, and she'd give me food for the week. She would also come to mine and help me clean. Basically she wanted to do everything but live in the same house.
I am now at the point where I speak to her maybe once every week, and see her once every two or three weeks. It has admittedly taken a year to get to this point, but it has been a continued and gradual push to letting her know that 1) I am capable of living alone, and 2) I need to live alone to be happy.
I have tried pandering to her emotional needs, but it has not worked for me. The more I have said that we will still keep in touch, the more she tries to push for more.
So what works now is just a bit of give and take. Most times, I will refuse her offer to cook/clean/etc. But every now and then, when she does not expect it, I will ask if she wants to come for dinner. I keep it quite random because I don't want her to get any expectations.
Anyway, that is my own experience. Obviously yours may be quite different to mine, but I think the key thing to remember is that as in any relationship, you will have a level of contact that will be outright uncomfortable as well as uncomfortable but do-able. The goal is to get you both in that second zone so that it hopefully becomes normal and comfortable.
I know my mum wants to see me more, and that I want to see her less. But for the time being, we both recognise the effort that is made and that helps us.