Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Im lost on how to act

Community Member

Becouse of events that happend in my life thru my mother cheating and when my ex fiance sat with me on a hoilday and told me that she "never wanted to get engaged and only said yes to keep me happy" i have lost trust

Not only trust in faith in women but also trust in when someone says they love me i now have a gf whom i have fully fallen in love, but i keep going thru phases where my trust in her goes up and down i want to check her phone or spy on her i know shes not but if i get a .05% chance she could ill take it as absoulte. The other day out of no where her ex tryies calling her after a year of no contact with him so she tells me. she didnt answer and she said that she wont call him back and def not see him. after i asked of course i got upset over the fact he tried to call at all to be honest.

i just cant stop these feelings and i feel like this is toxic and is going to ruin a good relationship over my own insercreties

Im only asking on this becouse i use to talk to my grandfather but he passed some time ago n i have no one to talk about this stuff

5 Replies 5

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi lost, welcome

The legal profession rely on "evidence" to prove/ disprove allegations. So should we.

Gut feelings are not enough to hurt someone we love or like as you say, through our own insecurities.

Your mind needs to be rational and more realistic in that if you allow past experiences to influence your present life...you are living in the past.

You mother is not your girlfriend. That is like comparing apples with oranges.

Every relationship needs faith. None of us have 100% guarantee of lifelong success and commitment but if its 90% likely then we go forward with faith it'll work out.

Rely on evidence not suspicion

Tony WK

Community Member

Hi Last 88888 and welcome to the Beyond Blue Forums.

I'm sorry to hear that your lack of trust and insecurities about your relationship is having an adverse affect on you and your girlfriend.

I will say first up that insecurity spoils relationships - it causes you to become cling, needy and ultimately controlling of your partner. A degree of insecurity in a relationship is fairly normal early on, but as you have been together now for a year, any initial sense of insecurity should have waned. She has given you no cause to indicate that she is anything by loving and trustworthy, having been open and honest about her ex.

Obviously your past experiences has had an impact on your thinking, which is most unfortunate, but please dont tar all women with the same brush as your Mum and former fiance.

When we go into a relationship we are putting outselves in an emotionally vulnerable position. This is even more so when we have been let down or hurt in a former relationship. Living with an insecurity is hard work, you are constantly looking for issues which just dont exist. You are needlessly tormenting yourself Lost, and you are risking your relationship.

You need to start differentiating imagination from reality. You need to become less controlling of your partner, otherwise you risk pushing her away. Give your relationship some space to breath and each maintain your own independent interests. Its really important not to compare your current relationship with any past relationships. Focus on what is good about your current relationship, as opposed to what may not be working. Most important - relax and have fun, as thats what relationships are meant to be.

I'm glad you came here to the Forums Lost as it is a good place to discuss issues such as this in an anonymous and safe environment. I hope you will find it of benefit to you, and also that you will come back and let us all know how you are going. Feel free to post anytime, and also to contribute to other threads if you would like to.


Thanks guys i found this very usefull

And u are totaly right about it all

I'm glad Lost88888, and I really hope you are able to overcome your insecurities and lack of trust. If you find that you cant do it on your own, it could be worth seeing a counselor. And perhaps your current girlfriend would be willing to go with you. It would help her to understand what you are feeling and the reasons why. If your bond is strong enough, you will find a way through this.

One other point I will make is that its very hard when we lose a confidant such as you had in your grandfather. You say you dont have anyone you feel comfortable to speak to about personal matters. Please know that you can always vent here or discuss issues that are troubling you. You will receive advice and support here from caring, understanding and non-judgemental members.

I wish you the very best of luck, in love and life. And thanks for getting back to us. (-:


Reading this has helped me too.

Thanks guys.

Sorry I've nothing smart to add ATM.