Im lost- I love my wife and love my kids even more but am sick of feeling like I'm carrying the whole load and am all alone

[HappyMan05]

Hi

Im really not sure where to go in my life right now -for years I've been unhappy with what my wife expects of me and how everything is left up to me to get done and I'm just exhausted and think maybe I should be getting a divorce as I know (because of years of trying )my wife won't change! I really am torn as I'm scarred to leave my kids because I love them so much and want to be there for them and am scarred of what happens after a divorce.I am also worn out of years of not having an intimate relationship with my wife- I'm lucky if I have sex once a month or so -and she makes me feel belittled and that its such a hassle for me to even ask her -so of course it makes me feel even worse.I stay awake at night due to this making me upset most of the time and I also think I suffer from anxiety as well(to embarrassed to see a doctor though) -as for the last 3 or 4 years I have trouble falling asleep cause all I thing about is the safety of my kids or something happening to them and I'm also consumed about thoughts of how I will die .

I work my ass off at work to get as much overtime as possible to help with the shortfall of our finances as I'm left to control it all as my wife has never wanted anything to do with it and says its my job yet in the 10 + years she has worked she has never given me her pay to help with the finances and makes me feel like an ashole even asking for some of it !She just calls me a tight ass and embarrass me if I try to ease up on the spending as we have been going backwards for years as I can't keep up even with working six days a week.

I know this sounds like petty stuff to most but as I'm getting older (mid 40s) I feel if nothing changes I'm going feeling lost and alone for the rest of my years!

[Quercus]

Hi HappyMan05 and welcome to the forums,

As someone in a somewhat similar situation and at my wits end, I can relate, am listening and hoping others will have helpful ideas. Goodness knows I need the help too.

I know you are embarrassed to ask for help from your GP but it is very important to try if you can. Booking a long appointment is helpful and you could even show this post if the words won't come. Along with asking about sleep and stress it is a good plan to ask for a general health review.

My other half finally agreed to take his stress and anxiety seriously and was given medication for his blood pressure. I find it is hard to listen to someone saying you need to try harder when they won't try harder for themselves either.

Also something I wanted to suggest was about intimacy (or lack of). When it is obvious you are unhappy, unsatisfied and wanting your wife to change where is the incentive to want sex? I must admit when I am being criticised and reminded I'm not good enough I'm not remotely interested. Why would I make myself even more vulnerable?

Then there is the issue of you considering divorce. If you're obviously fed up perhaps she suspects you've given up. The thought that you are a body filling needs rather than desired and cared for is a complete turn off in my view.

Have you asked your wife to come to marriage counseling with you? I know we try and try to talk it through. But it inevitability ends up with him making fun of me saying it is always someone else's fault or oh poor you. And I give up and walk away because I feel like he isn't bothering to even listen. Is it worth a try?

Obviously your situation is not totally similar and my advice isn't particularly helpful. But I wanted to reply so you felt less alone.

Nat

[HappyMan05]

Thanks Nat very much for your thoughtful reply

Its sad to hear that you are in a somewhat similar situation as well-but I does give me a little comfort knowing I'm not the only one.I will think about that trip to the local doctors to sort things out and will just have to push myself to go as I'm sure its the best course of action.

The sex thing it may be a case of me trying to repair the situation or to feel a little more normal like there is something in this relationship still that I can enjoy.

I have hinted a few times we may need help and we have even started to discuss our problems but my wife gets very defensive at the first sign of me pointing out things we can do better(I try my best to make her feel like its not a finger pointing at her excercise as it is deffinetly not - but more I make it a general discussion of where we both need to improve even if I don't think it me thats letting us down I still lay it down as both of us !) and storms off or goes nuts yelling and getting angry at me .It sounds like it ends up in the same place as your discussions.

Thanks

M

[Giggity]

Hi HappyMan05, sorry to hear you’re struggling with this. Is it possible your wife is dealing with some self esteem issues? Us women can feel really judged, both physically and socially, at times and i know from experience it can make one defensive and angry. I’m not defending her behaviour, but having children can also be a whole other emotional trauma for some women.