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If I wasn't married, I would break up with him

Community Member

Hi everyone, long story so please bear with me. I desperately need help.

I've been married for nearly 2 years but with him for 7. I've always felt lonely, never part of a team, always a bit bored, but I figured that this is as good as it gets.

Almost a year ago to the day, I caught up with my friend who I've known for 6 years and something felt different, something clicked. Neither of us tried for this to happen, in fact we actively tried for it NOT to happen, but over the course of the year we developed deep feelings for each other. He lives in a different state now and at this point has said we need to stop talking to each other for a while because I need to sort myself out.

My husband is a good person, but I sincerely feel that we have nothing substantial in common. He wants a house and kids, and i want to travel and I do not want kids. I always tried to convince myself that I did, but I realised recently that I don't, at least not for a very long time and he wants them within a few years. As for the little things, he has never wanted to do things that I want to do, if it wasn't his idea it wasn't a good idea. He doesn't like coming out with me, he never liked visiting my family, and I always feel like I'm casting around for things to say.

Yes, I was in love with him, but now I realise (with the help of my friend) that even in our best moments, I always felt like I was walking on eggshells and that I had CONVINCED myself that this was as good as it was going to get. I've AlWAYS felt unappreciated. I really don't think we are right for each other and I find myself thinking "I wish "my friend" was here" in every single situation, where as I enjoy time apart from my husband more than time with him.

The kicker is I brought this up (nix the other man) and in the past week my husband has been trying very hard, except I feel it's too late and everything he is doing is making me cringe and just annoying me. But he is a very good man (except the mild neglect and selfishness that he's now trying to fix), he clearly loves me, and I don't want to hurt him. But I am betraying myself if I stay, I don't love him, I don't want to be here. I think if I stay I'll always resent him for holding me back.

This isn't new. I've been complaining about being lonely for years. Just about all the anxiety attacks I've had in have been related to him in some way. It's just that I recently realised it wasn't my fault.

Thanks for sticking it out, any help is appreciated

3 Replies 3

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Jacjack~

I'm sorry things have turned out this way for you, seven years is a long time to be with someone, especially if for all that time you have been discontent and seem to have little in common with the person with whom you have been sharing your life. A fundamental disagreement over such things as kids is a pretty big hurdle.

I'm not sure that it is sufficient reason to be with someone simply because you regard them as 'good'. On the other hand there is a great deal of difference between being attracted to a friend and changing the whole course of your life as a result.

While I don't think anyone would be able to steer you one way or the other I guess the best I could do is to ask you what you would want to do if that friend was not around. At the moment I suspect you may think at the back of your mind that you could leave this relationship and start another with him. True he may have shown you what a different relationship might be like, but there is no guarantee that he will be available, or that it would work if he was.

What would happen if it was a choice between being with your husband, or starting a life alone? Your husband seems, as you say, to be trying to make it work.

As another avenue, have you considered being counseled as a couple?


Community Member

hi jacjack. have read ur post and it sounds a bit familar to a situation i had so i hope wat i write will help u. i am 58 yr old male. was with a wonderful lady for 8 yrs .have been living in a remote part of wa which i think in the end didnt help the situation. my first wife left me for someone she had known for a while after a chance meeting. i tried very hard to work something out but to know good. absolutly broke my heart. i realized much later that sometimes it dosent matter wat u do or the other person does, if it isnt meant to be it just isnt meant to be. my lady of 8 yrs was a very smart strong lady and i think i had trouble keeping up to her although i would do anything for her. i have been single for 3 yrs now and am quite happy on my own without the relationship pressures. it mite sound selfish but i have learnt that sometimes u need to sit back ,breath and think about the most important person which is u. as for ur friend u have feelings for may be ur guys need to sit down and work out which direction each of u want to head. am only suggesting this as i met a lady friend of many yrs and always liked her but realized very quickly that people change over time and we were on completely different wave lenghts. as for ur current situation if u r walking on egg shells then it is time to move on. it is no good tring to keep other people happy if u r not. YOU need to b happy and content with your life and feel good about yourself b4 any one else. people come and go through our lives and sometimes we dont know why until much later. it may hurt first off but eventually u will b glad u did. hope this helps , all the best, remember life is great and keep smiling

Community Member

Hi Jacjack

I know 7yrs is a long time, but it's still early days if you're talking about spending your whole life with a person. If you have these doubts now, those are red flags, and you don't want to ignore them and find yourself another 7yrs down the track with nothing much changing-take it from someone who's hit 20yrs after ignoring problems earlier in her own relationship & is still struggling. You say you are fairly sure you don't want kids but have been trying to talk yourself into wanting them. I know it can be hard in this society for a woman to outright say she's not maternal and doesn't want children, people tell you you'll change your mind or they say you're being selfish. They are wrong, your life is your own, don't do something to live up to some standard set by others. It's possible the stress of trying to fit into a mold is partly causing your anxiety. Also if your husband does want children, you'd be doing him a disservice stringing the relationship out. He should be with someone who wants the same things. There's also a chance if you're still being sexual you could end up accidentally pregnant. what then? It is only harder to break up with someone once you share a child. U could end up in an even more difficult situation.

As for the other man, I would discount his influence because you can't see clearly while you are still married. Just because you think about him a lot doesn't mean you should be with him. You can't compare someone you've spent 7yrs living with to an exciting mystery man, it's not an equal comparison. I'd suggest you work hard on figuring out what you want independent of any other person before you make any major life decision. If u do decide to make a go of things with your husband, you might need counselling to sort through some of your issues. Or maybe he'd be amenable to you taking some time out, spending a month traveling by yourself if you have the funds? It might help you get your head straight & you'll be more sure of what you want afterward.

I'm no expert but after 20yrs of marriage I've learned there are a lot of things I would have done differently given the chance. You still have that chance, make the most of it.

Good luck