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I want to leave my husband of 9 years but I just don’t follow it through. What’s wrong with me?

Denham123
Community Member

I married this man in my early 30s, it was an arranged marriage where I was given the option to go ahead or not with the marriage. We have had lots of opportunities to break this marriage off but just don’t want to do it. Now we have a beautiful house without any children. My husband cries poor every time he’s paying bills. I stopped working in 2021 when I got sick. I was studying part time from 2014 but all the fighting throughout those years never got to finish it. So now that I’m 40, I told him, I’ve had enough. I’m not going to work anymore and focus on myself. I gave him permanent residency, and he’s now a citizen. I helped him buy a brand new car, and I also helped him build a brand new car. It’s now me time. He’s mum is like oh you should go back to work so that you can pay the mortgage. I told her straight away now that I’m 40 I feel like I’m entitled to speak my mind now. I think I have nothing to lose so don’t really care about other peoples feelings anymore. Told her to piss off as it’s now me time. Your useless son wanted a house, now he’s got it. I didnot want the house, I was not ready. He’s the most useless man I have ever come across in my entire life and I’ve had enough. He’s a good for. Thing piece of dirt. He puts everything on me to make decisions with the house, yet cries poor now that he’s managing the mortgage on his own. He can’t even build a deck. I have frozen shoulder after I got sick last year and I am getting better, but it’s slow. All he thinks about is finishing the landscape right in the middle of my final exams. I had to defer first time already as I got so sick of the stress from this new house and uni isn’t easy when you are studying engineering. I have several times thought of committing suicide, but in the end he’s going to win. I’m getting old, I’m exhausted and have a flu right now.

I told myself this is the last time I’m sacrificing my uni time. I just don’t know how to leave this marriage. I have used up my egg nest that I saved to escape from him. So I’m stuck in this brand new house with my name on this stupid mortgage. I’m not even contributing to this mortgage.

11 Replies 11

Bob_22
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Denham,

It sounds like you have alot on your plate with your relationship (both husband and mother in law), uni, mortgage and work. Sorry you have to deal with all of this.

I've been fortunate enough to avoid a mortgage thus far but I know how it daunting and stressful it can be to have one bearing down on you especially during a time of uncertainty and turbulence for you. I'm just noticing that your post started with difficulties with your husband as well as not having enough time for your own pursuits which is a very big issue. I wonder if it might be helpful practicing 'assertive communication' for both your husband and mother. It sounds simple, but it is a form of 'effective communication' that I have learned from my own psychiatrist that focuses on asserting how a situation or person is affecting you personally. There are resources online but its best mastered in conjunction with your own mental health clinician who can talk you through scenarios.

In regards to your negative thoughts, I might recommend contacting the Beyond Blue counselling team if you can't get a hold of anyone. By engaging via phone or chat the counsellors can provide advice and support, please contact either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat (top right corner of page). I would also like to suggest Lifeline on 13 11 14 or at https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

Feel free to update us here or post any other issues at any time. I hope you can find some support and hope here by sharing your experience with others.

Bob

Denham123
Community Member

Dear Bob,

thank you for writing back.

it is indeed a lot to deal with in this marriage. I don’t really have any talents but one thing for sure is I’m committed to my studies. It’s my way of getting out of poverty. I have also great ideas for self start ups, but with my husband, he doesn’t share my passion, which is fine, I don’t expect him to. He on the other hand is also very discouraging. He said whose going to hire you as a fresh engineer at 45. I told him I don’t know, but I do know that I can solve problems within my limits. I have only one mission in life and that is to fulfill my dream of becoming an engineer. I have the brains for it, but with constant fighting my energy gets drained away, so it’s like should I put up with him and live with him while not contributing towards mortgage and leave once I graduate? Even with centerlink, I will not be able to afford rent. I don’t like sharing with other people. It creates a lot of conflict living with others.

He has agreed to divorce once the landscaping is finished.

Bob_22
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Denham123,

Thank you for the update, it means a lot. I'm glad to hear that you have both reached agreement and that you've come to a decision that's best for you. I understand separation and divorces can be quite tumultuous. I hope you can find the right support whether it be here or with your GP/psychologist.

It sounds like you have an exciting future ahead. I wish you all the best with the rest of your studies and engineering career. Please feel free to keep us updated. 🙂

Bob

Denham123
Community Member

Dear Rob,

so yesterday we agreed on divorce and today he’s saying he wants kids so will take the opportunity to go see my gp together to talk about ivf. Just yesterday we talked about been civil with each other whilst the divorce is taking place and I’m like what is wrong with you. Is another of your scams to tie me down. I mean just today, I told him I want my name of the mortgage. He can keep the house. He’s paying the mortgage anyways. And he’s like no I’m letting you go.
every day I have thoughts of running away from home, but I just don’t know where to go. I don’t have any money under my name.

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Denham, if this was an arranged marriage, and he wants children now while going through a divorce doesn't seem an obvious choice for the kids sake and probably not a good decision.

You can separate under the same house, then you would be qualified for Centrelink payments, all you need to do is provide documents declaring this.

If your name is on the mortgage, but he's paying for it, doesn't matter you are entitled to half the share, because many years ago this happened to other couples, where the house wife only did house duties, while the husband worked, this would give you some money under your belt by buying your share.

If you are receiving C/link payments they can provide you with the bond money and a couple of week's rent money, but can I suggest that you think about having children and hope you can get back to us.

Geoff.

Denham123
Community Member

Dear Geoff,

thank you for writing back to me.

yes I have told the husband several times, I’m not going to have children with him. I’m already 40 and have endometriosis. My boat has sailed away. My gp is strongly against bringing a child together and I agree with the GP. When my husband said yesterday that he now wants kids, t said to him so you still want to be in my life like a disease and do you think it will solve our problems. He said off course. I told him I’d rather die.

in terms of living seperately under the same roof, he doesn’t want to do it. He won’t go to the GP to explain himself.

at the rate he’s causing me problems, I’d rather just leave the house, car, and money all to him and start fresh because I know I can do it. I don’t want anything to do with him. He’s clearly displaying narcissistic behaviour.

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Denham, I'm so very sorry you have to deal with this condition and of course having children with your husband wouldn't be pleasant at all for you, in many ways, and his thinking is only being self centred, thinking of himself and not caring at all for you, not at all being respectful.

I'm all behind you if you want to leave him and have full confidence that once you can do this, then your life will change for the better, at the moment, he's holding you back and although I can't tell you what to do, I fully support you in every way possible.

Please can you keep in touch with us because we care for you.

Geoff.

Bob_22
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Denham123,

I'm sorry to hear about your ongoing struggles and difficulty with liaising via your GP. Unfortunately I don't have much expertise in this area but I might suggest you have a look at some of the services and resources available at Relationships Australia on their website relationships.org.au. Additionally, I believe relationships australia also offer individual and couples counselling as well as a range of resources to support people in a similar position to you.

Alternatively, it may be best to ask your GP if they could recommend a psychologist and social worker who may be able to assist in your situation. Hope this helps a bit.

Bob

Denham123
Community Member

Hello Geoff,

thank you for writing back to me.

I had a online chat with BB today and felt calmer after talking about it.

We had another fight this afternoon and I was this time ready to go, just didnot have money to leave so asked my husband if I could have $1500. I made up my mind. We were at the shop buying my medicine and just before leaving the house a huge argument broke out.

anyways long story short, I felt relieved about saying I want to go. I told him I can’t do it, I don’t have anything to give you anything anymore. I have given you permanent residency which he now is a citizen. Helped him buy a new car, helped him build a new house, even god damn helped him design the landscaping. Fought with the landscaper several times because of my ocd.
came back home, and he talked me out of it. I asked him why are you holding on to me. Why can’t you let me go. You can’t you be happy for your own self? We both know it’s not working between us, so why. He said he made a promise to my mum just before she passed away. I told him you have tried, it’s not working and she has passed away. Go live for yourself.

then he was like this is your house, it’s your hard earned money. I told him it’s ok. It’s you who wanted the house. I never wanted it. It’s a huge commitment been a homeowner. I can’t look after a house. I’m useless anyways. So let me go.

so these are the things he says and talks me out of it. I know I’ll be happy without him. He’s absent from the marriage anyways. So there’s nothing I’ll miss about him.

I don’t have any escape plan. I thought about going to the police as he still hasnot transferred any money. I told him if he forces me to stay I’ll go to the police again. I did an AVO in 2019 against him as the fight at that time was about buying this stupid car and buying this land. I was the one who pushed him into saving and budgeting. I taught him how to save. Like I can’t be the one just giving giving and giving.

I need an escape plan and I don’t know how to leave or where to go. I’m getting old. I’m 40 now and have just three years to finish my degree. I can’t be wasting anymore time on him delaying my studies. I have delayed 8 years already.

so I’m in my new house in the spare bedroom writing this message. I have not had dinner yet. I don’t share the master bedroom with him and never have since we moved into the new house.

hope you are good.

regards,

Denham.