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I want to keep the baby but my partner wants me to abort!
Hi want2keep. This is a heartbreaking read and i realy realy feel for you. I've never been pregnant so i can't say i know how you feel. Listen to that gut of yours. Don't let ANYONE pressure you to make a decision that you don't want to do. Sorry for very brief reply
Hello and welcome to the forum. I am sorry to learn of your dilemma because it's not an easy thing to do, terminate a pregnancy.
There are all sorts of reasons for going ahead with the termination and for carrying baby to term. I will list them below.
- At 38 there is a high risk of not becoming pregnant again.
- Losing this baby and then not becoming pregnant again may be a huge emotional disappointment and difficult to get over.
- I suspect you will have some emotional issues to deal with if you lose this baby.
- There is more chance of something going wrong with the pregnancy as you get older.
- You say that financially it would be difficult to have a baby now. You both have jobs which many couples do not have but still have a family. I wonder if it is really about finances.
- I don't know about this one but I wonder if it would place too much strain on your relationship to continue the pregnancy. This is something only you can decide.
- I think your partner is using emotional blackmail by saying he will harm himself. Do you think it is likely he would do that?
- It would be nice to have the support of his family but they will not be raising this child or coping with regret if you terminate.Do you want to have a child?
- Waiting until later and hoping you will become pregnant again is a long shot.
- Is your partner an unstable person? Would he really harm himself?
- What do you want to do?
Hope you are OK with the list. There are probably more pros and cons that I have not thought of. Can you make a list of your own? I suggest you see your GP and get some advice on terminating the baby or not. There are risks both ways.
Regardless of what anyone says, including husband's family, it really is your decision. I would like to think that the decision you come to will be in the best interests of baby, yourself and your husband. Do you know why your partners feels he will not cope having a baby? It is very important that you both discuss it especially if your husband has serious doubts about his ability to cope. Having said that I think no matter how many fears and doubts someone has, when the child is born and you get through the first couple of months and love the baby.
I hope this has been helpful.
A warm welcome to you Want2keep
My heart goes out to you as you struggle with such an incredible challenge.
From what you write, I imagine it's not entirely the finances that are the issue for your partner. For him to threaten self harm, I'm imagining it's more a stress related issue ('I can't live with the stress'). I'm guessing, with the divorce, he's feeling a little like things are out of his control at the moment. Throw a baby into the mix and this adds to the stress and that out of control feeling.
Keeping in mind that 'control' is defined as 'effective management', when a couple who is financially challenged want to keep a baby they'll typically say 'Don't worry, we'll manage'. This leads to the question 'Is a baby something or should I say someone you're partner just doesn't want to help manage?' Is he open to discussion about management strategies? A deeply thoughtful conversation.
Personally, I've never experienced an early termination by choice yet I have a friend who has. She truly wanted to keep the baby but her husband didn't. That was more than 20 years ago and she still lives with some regret. Although she's had kids since, she still has some issues with moving forward through giving herself emotional release from that decision all those years ago (forgiving herself). If you do decide to go ahead with the termination, make sure you have plans in place to help you through the emotional challenges. Don't rely solely on your partner to help you through as there's always the possibility he'll see the termination as representing 'A problem that no longer exists'.
This really is a tough decision, putting it mildly. If you terminate the pregnancy, you can be left feeling like you had no choice. If you see the pregnancy through, your partner can be left feeling like he has no choice. I suppose the ultimate question becomes 'If your partner doesn't want to help manage a child, are you able to manage on your own?' Maybe this is another choice worth giving thought to or perhaps not, depending on your situation.
I once heard someone say 'We live from 1 of 2 places, love or fear'. Fear is perhaps at the root of the issue here for your partner. For you it's love. Seeing a baby as a form of evolution means seeing the potential for love.
Make a decision that will not lead you to a place of sufferance. Personal evolution (aka self-love) is what feeds the soul.
I’m in a very similar position to you where I want to keep it but he wants me to terminate it as well. I don’t know what to do and I’m in a sticky pickle. I don’t know what words I can give you but I hope that you make a decision that is best for you and the baby. I was told that even at my age things do get complicated and it is already. And I’m 34 and if your gut feeling tells you what you should follow than go with it.
If you bring this beautiful healthy baby into the world you won’t regret it and what if you don’t get another chance again? Would you regret it?
I hope thag everythjng works out for you.
Hi, firstly I’m sending you a big hug. You are brave to have put yourself out there, and ask for advice.
At 27 I had a pregnancy terminated.We had only just got together, we also had no money (or at least that’s what I told myself). At the time I was convinced We couldn’t do it. So I terminated the pregnancy.
We got married when I was 28, and I have 2 beautiful daughters. At 48 I’m now divorced and my girls growing up faster than I hoped... and yes I still reflect on what could have been.
If I can give you any advice it would be to do what you need. And I say needbecause wants are come and go things.
Needs are necessities! What do u need in your life to be happy and thrive?
Divorce is brutal, I can testify to that, but your partner shouldn’t put pressure on you with threats of self harm. That’s not supportive.
I hope your decision is one you can move forward on each day, and ultimately please be kind to yourself. You deserve happiness and fulfillment.