I want to be better but I don't know how

mmads1 · ‎06-05-2019

I've been in a relationship for almost three years now and I cant get rid of being insecure, jealous and having no self love. I'm always scared I'm not good enough and that other people with similar interests to my boyfriend will take my place. he's really into theatre and all that and I guess thats not really my thing so when other girls are into that who know him I feel threatened. when I get upset about these things I generally become defensive, rude and attacking because I just am so unhappy about myself. I never want to bring him down but when I feel like I have so many flaws I can become angry and upset. I truly do love him and want there to be less conflict. usually its silly arguments but I really don't want my anger and depressive emotions to overcome me again, I need advice on how to contain my anger, ways to handle situations more thoughtfully and to just not always feel jealous of other girls. ah I'm so lost.. 😞

Bellia · ‎07-05-2019

I can relate to this feeling when you aren’t feeling worthy. For me ‘stepping back’ from each situation u feel threatened in, acknowledging the feeling arising and then consciously saying to yourself ‘ replace fear with love’ as many times as you need, helps, or helps me anyway. He has stayed with you but really it’s the relationship with yourself you need to nurture 🙏🏼🧡

Alexlisa · ‎07-05-2019

Hello Mmads,

I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time, but I’m glad you reached out here ☺️

It must be really difficult to sit with those emotions, especially if you’re feeling badly about yourself. I was wondering if you’ve considered speaking to a psychologist? They would be able to help you to understand what’s going on for you when you’re feeling so hyper vigilant in your relationship and help you to develop skills that will help you to treat yourself kindly. You can ask your GP for a Mental Health Care Plan which will entitle you to 10 free sessions with a psychologist per year. I think you’d find it really helpful.

It can be so confusing when we’re having reactions to situations and we don’t understand why, or feel like we aren’t in control. Because you mentioned that it’s been something that’s an issue 3 years into the relationship it sounds like you might need some outside help. You should not have to deal with these feelings all the time. And you shouldn’t have to do it alone. Often there’s a lot going on below the surface in these kind of situations, and it sounds like you are pretty aware that maybe your feelings towards yourself are playing a big part in the outbursts. Perhaps you can try to use that knowledge in the moment when you’re about to get angry to stop for a moment, and take a few slow breaths to get yourself more grounded before you react.

There’s a psychological skill you can look up called Defusion that you might find useful. The idea is that you take a step back from your emotions in the moment so they can have less control over you. One way to do it is to think of your thoughts as ‘stories’. For example, it sounds like the thought “my boyfriend is going to cheat on me because I’m no good” comes up again and again, so you can try to notice when it’s there and think “ahh, here’s my old I’m no good story again. Thanks for bringing that up again brain”. This skill helps you to take a step back from the emotion and hopefully give you that space to not react so angrily towards yourself and your boyfriend. You can google Defusion for some more ways to practice it.

There’s also a great resource to help you learn to tolerate distress at :

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Tolerating-Distress

I hope this helps a little. You’re doing a good job knowing that you need help to deal with this situation. Please think about seeing a psychologist. I really think it could help.

Take care,

Alexlisa