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I’ve done it his time

Community Member

My wife and I have been married for 5 years. Overall we’ve created a happy and loving life together for us and our two young boys 3.5 and 1.5.

I have a habit though of leaving the family house when things don’t go the way I think they should. I’m not talking about just to cool down either. I have done it 3 times for about a week at a time. I don’t want to and I regret it nearly instantly and it’s not because I don’t love my wife or the kids. I was brought up by my father and he had alcohol and aggression issues but I do not share those patterns with my family.

The previous two times were around the time my second boy was born. One involved a purely plutonic relationship I had struck up with a woman overseas that I now realise was an act of cheating on my wife even though I didn’t at the time.

The second time was when we found out my wife was pregnant again right after I got the snip. I knew it would be hard for us and I didn’t want to go through that financially etc at the time. Of course now I know she was right and he is the most awesome little baby.

Both times I came back and we worked on things. I thought successfully but these have building up in her and she sent me an email outlining her feelings. Once again I ‘freaked out’ and left. This time though she has said it’s the end.

I know it is my actions that have brought us here but just when everything is going so well (just got on top of finances, boys are letting us sleep 7 hours a night etc) I have lost the only thing that means anything to me and I don’t know how to handle the feelings I am having.

Any advice would be appreciated..

2 Replies 2

Community Member

Hi Rafa,

I’m sorry this is happening,

i don’t have any advice for you, only that for now make it all about the kids... I don’t know the ins and outs of your situation, but it sounds similar to mine. Once she said it’s over, it was over... so my dad told me one night while I was sobbing, what ever you do from now on, make it about the kids. Thereafter things got intense with mediation etc.. and it was the worst time of my life, but one thing I stayed consistent with was that I made sure it had minimal impact on my kids lives..

its a tough road ahead, she may or may not reconcile, either way keep your emotions as best you can in tact. Reach out here, therapy, trusted friends, family as much as you can and release your self accordingly.. but on front of your her, act respectfully, and make sure she knows you want what’s best for the kids..

thats the best I can do

your not alone, I know what your going through, and so do so many here, so stay around and share and support others, I have found it a safe place to be..

i wish you well

Community Member

Thanks billy. They are wise words and it’s always good to hear that other people have been through similar..

its been about 5 months now that we split. Things have definitely improved.. but not at a huge rate of knots lol.

i am still in the house and being more supportive in any way she feels I was lacking before. She has said she wants to at least try to work things out for the kids so we have been to our second marriage counseling session. The first felt great and tbh things improved after it. I noticed though that her anxiety levels were way up before the second. When we went in I pointed it out and she used terms like ‘confused’ ‘scared’ etc. I know this is all very normal as I’ve been doing lots of reading on the subject but what I wasn’t ready for was her to say she just feels no desire for any physical contact with me. The councillor said it was very normal but I came out feeling really deflated.

Regardless for anyone that is reading this.. if there’s a chance for me there is a chance for anyone:)