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I took him back - but I can't trust him
Me and my boyfriend actually kicked off really well. From the beginning he gave me a feeling of being loved, helped me a lot with me grieving the loss of my mom 2 years ago and I felt very happy in our relationship. Until I went home for 5 weeks (I'm not originally Australian), just to come back to find out he cheated on me. This was after coming back with all my stuff and the intention to stay in Oz with and for him. He first denied it, then came clear when I told him how I know he did it. He claimed that he loves me, he doesn't know why he did it (it was with an old flame) and that he never meant to hurt me. I was shocked, sad, broken. But I love him so much, that I tool him back. We now intend to travel together soon and actually it all seems like our relationship is growing stronger.
But I did the mistake of snooping in his phone. And then I saw it: messages to a female friend of his, talking about how he loves me, but he sometimes feels like he can't handle my moods. How he wants to find out when we travel, if he wants to stay with me. And the worst bit: she should come to Asia and they could travel together and see what happens with them.
He doesn't know I saw these messages. But I asked him if he is sure about me, he said yes. If there is someone else, and he said no. I even asked about that girl and he said he doesn't feel attracted to her, she is like a little sister to him. He would only love me. He told me how he is anxious about traveling, about me (if I really still like him after what happened), about his life. And I know he has anxiety for a while now and thought maybe thats also why he cheated on me, cause things got more and more serious with us.
But bottom line: He pretty much seems to arrange meeting this girl if things with us don't work out. And I know what people will say: get rid of him, he is cheating on you again. But i just don't know what to do. I really do love him and when we are together everything is fine. It just seems to get awkward whenever we are apart (we live 3 hours by bus from each other atm and only see each other once a week) and thats also when he sent these messages to the girl. I dunno if he just plays me, or if he is really just anxious. If he has true feelings for that girl. If he really simply wants to replace me. But how... how can he do that? And how can I handle this situation? I already booked our flights. But I'm so deeply hurt. I don't want out, but feel like I probably have to. But how?
It really sucks when you find out about someone cheating by snooping, because how do you confront them without showing your hand??? So yeah, same thing happened to me! And I stayed with him, and it happened again, and I was really young and didn't know it was important for me to demand BETTER.
And I think you can do better. Unfortunately, you've read the texts, you've seen that he's hedging his bets, and you're worth more than that. Things are fine when you're together...but you still exist when you're apart, and you need to be able to trust him with your valuable self and know that he is not doing something that's going to hurt you.
So that's my two cents, but please know that I fully understand how hard it is when you don't want to break up. Don't beat yourself up if you're too uncertain to do it.
Take care of yourself.
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forum. It's a good place to chat about the difficulties in your life.
I have been thinking about your post and wondering what to say. I think jollydolly has made some very good points. Your BF certainly appears to be hedging his bets. I wonder what the other girl thinks about it. Is she being played as well, though I gather she must know about you.
I think you need to make your decision about him from where you are now. You know he has played around once and is still doing so. Those are the facts which cannot now be changed. It's up to you to decide if you can stay with him now you know his character. In the cold light of day he is a man who can be charming and uses that to get what he wants. If the girl he professes to love is not available he will look for someone else to adore him. Then when you return he can go back to you as though nothing has happened. He is a manipulator.
Caring about someone can be hard when they demonstrate how unworthy they are to have a girlfriend. I know it will be hard to separate and for a while you will be asking yourself if you did the right thing, would he still love you if you returned, will he always an insecure person who is high maintenance.
Think carefully how your life will be if you stay together. OK I am being a bit directive here. Sorry about that. I agree with jollydolly that you are worth more than to have a BF yuou cannot trust. Not a good foundation for any relationships.
Please continue to post here if you wish. We are here to support you in any decision you make.
I know I shouldn't have snooped, but I did. And now it's killing me.
I also just feel like he tells her one thing and me another, so he looks good for both of us.
I'm not that young, I'm 29. But I feel because I already gave up so much for him and he is my only close person on the other side of the world, makes it harder to let go. I feel very lonely and sad about the whole thing. Cause I thought I finally found the love I deserved. But then the cheating happened and now this. And I know I'm better than "oh just see how we go, otherwise I take the other girl." and I'm still deeply hurt. I dunno if it would be easier to walk away if my situation was different. I sometimes consider just going home, but it's hard.
I understand how you feel you have found your love and you have already given this man many years, but in reality 29 is young. I did not find the love of my life until I was in my 50s.
Do you think it would help if you make a decision.
In a few years time what will happen if you stay and you find out he has cheated again.?
I think if you decide what you want and don’t want in the relationship so you don’t wait for your boyfriend to choose who he wants.
Do you think if you take control and make a decision that it may make you feel better,?
Just a few thoughts you may or May not agree with .
I really have to say thank you all for being understanding. I was worried people will tell me how stupid I am, cause that's how I feel lately.
I know a decision has to be made. And I know I have to make it.This once in my opinion happy relationship has turned so toxic. I never would have considered snooping before, I always trusted him. Now I feel mostly bad about myself. My self worth is on the low. I can feel my depression crawling back. I feel numb, really. I barely talk to my loved ones at home, cause I'm ashamed and don't want them to know how I really feel at the moment. I don't even know why, cause I know I have a great family and friends that wouldn't want me to feel so hurt.
He was just here until this morning and considering everything he said to me, makes me feel sick. How he looks forward to Asia and making plans for us afterwards in the future. How he loves me, because I always believe in him and help him so much with his anxiety. How I'm the only person who truly knows him. But the messages are there and they speak a different language. He just sent them last week to that girl, so thats super recent as well. And you are all right: How is this relationship supposed to look like from now on? He is dishonest and I don't trust him and will keep snooping probably. This is not how I want to live my life. Nice that he tells me I help him with his mental health, while he seems to crush mine. Manipulator is the right word here I suppose.
But I feel because I already gave up so much for him and he is my only close person on the other side of the world, makes it harder to let go. I feel very lonely and sad about the whole thing. Cause I thought I finally found the love I deserved. But then the cheating happened and now this. And I know I'm better than "oh just see how we go, otherwise I take the other girl." and I'm still deeply hurt. I dunno if it would be easier to walk away if my situation was different. I sometimes consider just going home, but it's hard.
I really feel for you. Can I just tell you more about my SECOND experience like this...years after my snooping that I mentioned in the first post. I moved halfway around the world at 27 for a whirlwind romance and we were together for 5 1/2 years. We split up when he dumped me for someone else and after being broken for a while, AND having to share a counsellor with him because our town was so small we only had one to go around, I decided to stay in the country for another 18 months to further my career and improve my prospects for when I came back home.
It was a good decision; it proved to me I could do it on my own. And then I came back, and I got a good job, I met someone else, and I had a wonderful beautiful baby.
You are going to be OK, and you can do this, no matter how broken you feel right now - I absolutely promise.
Good luck and keep being strong.
I know this is going to sound extremely harsh however I am going to get straight to the point as I only wish someone had to me some years ago.
Get rid of him! Any break up is going to hurt. If he truly loves you make him prove this or fight for you and this may be in the future if it's meant to be.
Once trust is broken it is exactly that. Broken, and very hard to get back if at all completely.
Only you can do this and it will be hard however you have to be strong.
I am a little older now as in I may have missed my opportunity for children and I only wish I could go back in time, and be extremely strong when I was wasting my time with guys who either weren't really sure what they wanted or simply didn't have their shit together. It kills me now knowing I may not ever get this opportunity.
I hope this helps and I am only trying to help you and hope this hasn't hurt your feelings.
Look after number one first.
Hello Sunflower, I'm sorry but I have to agree with what's been said.
If he has said that you help him with his mental health that's certainly good, but then he contacts this other girl, secretly and privately, on his phone or by other means, ways you might not know about, perhaps at a mates house.
It's important to realise, once your depression is starting to come back, this is a trigger and not what you want.
We have to learn how to stop these trigger points before they happen.