I think my marriage is over.

[Athanasia]

I haven't spoken to anyone about what's going in my marriage. My anxiety is at an all time high at the moment. I feel like a failure. I've been crying a lot. I cried myself to sleep last night. I'm crying now as I type this. Only in the last 3 weeks has my husband totally changed in his demeanour. He's never been one to talk about feelings and things. Yesterday he finally said the reason he's been distant and not showing me any affection is because "he's not interested". Hearing that was like a punch in the stomach. He's been down lately about money and now it's progressed to no interest in me. I told him I believe he resents me because he has to go to work in a job he doesn't like to support me and our daughter and also that he can't do what he wants me whenever he wants. He said he doesn't resent me but the rest is probably right. How can he care so little about us? Is his freedom more important then being a husband and a father? I told him it's selfish and he said maybe he's "too soft". So basically not cut out for the responsibility. At first I was all what can I do to make you happy? Not once did he ask me how I was feeling. I'm torn between trying to figure out what it is about me that is making him uninterested or just leaving with our daughter. Is he making it out to be my fault because he doesn't want to say I just can't take all the responsibility and I want my freedom back? Or is it really all my fault? I'm going to try and discuss it further again tonight and I need to make a decision for my sanity. I can't live like this. I need to know.

I feel alone. I have no friends. I'm not ready to tell my Mum yet. I know she'll understand and my daughter & I can go live with her. I'm thankful for that.

Thanks for letting me get that all out.

[Cherpieus]

Hi Athanasia,

What an awful time you are having. The one thing that stands out to me is you're considering taking on all the responsibility for this.  I can say for sure that it is not all your fault. There are two people in your relationship and blaming yourself is a quick road to self-destruction. 

The other thing is it's not your responsibility to 'make him happy'. I feel like a hypocrite saying this because I do this all the time but I've been through so much counselling and they say that you can't make someone else feel anything. It's their choice.  Of course you can and it sounds like you do love your husband. But even that cannot 'make him happy'.  My husband loves me but I'm frightfully depressed. That's not his fault and it's not his job to fix my depression (even though he thinks it is and feels helpless in doing that).

I really feel for what you're going through. Make sure you take care of yourself.

[white knight]

Hi Athanasia, welcome

Cherpieus is right on.  Also- When a marriage is under threat eg its really on the way out, any comment or answer to a question we tend to see the worse side of those answers. We inflame them in our mind because...well its a type of elevated sadness of pending doom. At this point also there is insecurity and hurt, you question your future and short term issues like care of your child, his attitude to his child and the list goes on. These feelings wont settle down until a direction is found. Like you I have a need to know so don't feel guilty about that.

"Is he making it out to be my fault because he doesn't want to say I just can't take all the responsibility and I want my freedom back?" Some times we look into things and try to find answers when the answer is much more simple than we think. This can cause confusion and panic/anxiety. When perhaps all along he might have just fallen out of love or realised he isn't cut out for a certain lifestyle. I'm not guessing here I'm saying that you need to simplify things.

At this hurtful time I'd withdraw a little and assess him and his views, his commitments to his family and his thoughts of his future. All the while thinking of your daughters future as well. You will be thinking its the end of your world as you know it, when these thought go through your mind try to accept that it isn't the end and the future can be wonderful, just not at this time.

Take care and keep posting as you feel you need.

Tony WK

[Internal_Sadness]

Have either of you both ever thought about going to see a marriage counselor?  Maybe check that option out and go from there. If there is even 1% good bone in his body somewhere, he will give this option a chance.

[Florrie_Jo]

Hi there

I am going thru the exact same thing. It came to a head 3 days ago and we have separated. Its hard and im going through the emotions. For me, we need to be apart as my depression is getting worse. Ive hit rock bottom and its time to start heading up.

 My husband pays the bills, works hard but has taken that as a green light for believing he gets an exemption from being a part of the family. He deserves his time out. Me time because he pays the bills. His hobby (fishing) is an obsession and since I was retrenched (june), im a bigger liability in his passion for "living the life". Im sure at some point he will reflect. I dont hate him but clearly we both need very different things. I deserve more and so do my kids.

You are not alone and im sure you feel sick with worry and sadness. You deserve to be happy and you can be. Have the conversation, no matter how hard..until then you wont be able to move forward, whatever way. If your partner is open to counselling, jump on it. My husband wont contemplate it so basically we are kaput (not sure how to spell that).

im sending you a big universal hug. Lets keep chatting and keep in touch with the forums. Im sure its going to help both of us 🙂

Jodie

My husband

[Cherpieus]

Hi Jodie and Athanasia,

I can honestly say it was the hardest time in my life when I separated from my husband (7 years ago now).

I feel for you both.  You are both so brave. I ended up in hospital and needed help from a psychologist to help me to tell my husband it was over.  We had been to counselling on and off for years (we were married for 14 years).  It's fine for someone to agree to go to counselling - my husband did at first - but if they won't partake when you're there, or in any of the work that needs to be done between sessions then it makes it worse. Every time my husband had to address an issue he would say the counsellor was an idiot and he'd stop going. At least I can say I tried though.

I had no idea what to do in a practical sense because I wasn't working and didn't have my own money. Everything was in my husbands name.  I got some great advice from a friend in this regard and that was so helpful. The first was to set up my own bank account - so simple yet essential when you have to start dealing with Centrelink.

Try and stay strong for your kids and know you're not alone.