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I think my husband has a porn addiction?

Kim1988
Community Member

Hi all. I think my husband may have a porn addiction. To put things in context. I just had our first baby 2 months ago and we haven’t really been intimate since the final trimester. It’s only recently that we have started being intimate again.

I was using his tablet the other day filling out some forms online because my laptop wasn’t working. While doing this I had a pop up from a live webcam site. I thought he was interacting with women on the site. He isn’t interacting with them as it turns out. It’s just a pop up ad that appears when you go on these porn websites. I can see he watches a hell of a lot of porn everyday. After I used the tablet the other day which he knew that I used I noticed all of a sudden the browsing history had been deleted . He obviously never cared to delete it before I started using the tablet.

I’m not an idiot I know it’s normal for men and even some women to watch porn even everyday, but his viewing habits seem excessive. Back in October we had an issue where he was following and liking a lot of half-naked Instagram models. I was pregnant at the time, so I was pretty self-conscious about my own body at the time. I discussed it with him and he deleted his Instagram account.

I had a discussion with him last night to find out if he’s still attracted to me after having a baby because I thought maybe he’s not attracted to me anymore, or even if he has ever been at all. He reassured me that he is attracted to me. He just knows that I haven’t been sleeping much since our son was born and that he often doesn’t have the energy, although he did say he would like to be more sexually active with me.

I actually brought up the subject that he may be addicted to porn but it shut down very quickly. I said to him think about how much you consume and if you can’t go a day without it. Much less a few hours which I can see from his Google search history that this may be the case then you may have an addiction and it seems that he clearly has more energy for porn than he does with me or seems to enjoy watching porn more than being with me. He said that he can go weeks without watching porn. This is clearly not the case.

I guess like with any addiction the addict may not even realise they have an issue and they will deny it or try to justify it right? I would like to suggest that he can go and get some help but if he doesn’t think he has an issue he won’t do it. If he has a porn addiction it affects me to.

9 Replies 9

Kim1988
Community Member
Just adding onto my thread. I don’t want to be one of those wives who is constantly monitoring her husband, but at the moment it feels like I have no other choice. I will wait a while to see if his porn consumption decreases after my discussion with him the other day and see if he’s directing the sexual energy he has to me instead. If not I will need to have another discussion with him about it because maybe 2 days isn’t enough to see if the conversation had any effect.

Hi Kim,

This is a really difficult situation and with all the responsibilities of having a baby I'm sure you're already quite drained without this on your mind. If what you could see in his browser history looked like the behaviour of someone with an addiction, he may well have an issue. Although it may also have been just for short period and isn't an ongoing problem, so it's difficult to know just yet.

I think it's really positive that you have tried to talk about it and air your concerns, at least now (even if he's not aware of it) the topic has been raised so there's a chance he is reflecting on it a bit to himself.

My advice would be to now give it some time, without raising it again to see how things go. Work on your physical relationship together (at whatever pace you are comfortable).

Looking at people's devices in secret can sometimes lead to trust issues and hurt, so unless you're seeing behaviour that worries you from your partner in real life, I would try to avoid this for now.

Maybe after a month or two, re-approach the subject face to face and just see how they respond.

Hope this helps, let us know how you go.

G'day Kim, I am in no way qualified to even answer posts on this forum let alone give advice or anything like that, I can only give you my perspective. It is an addiction and therefore he'll be defensive when challenged about it until he's ready to acknowledge it.

In my experience, I have had periods where porn has become a large part of my days, but as with any other addiction there was always something underneath the behaviour that was causing it, it doesn't even have to be related to sexual issues at all. In my case it was simple depression and the porn was a way to instant gratification to take my mind off whatever was bothering me. It was a simple and easy way to sexual pleasure where I didn't have to negotiate or instigate with my partner. It had little to do with my love and attraction to my wife and all about the quick and easy fix for the way I was feeling about my life.

That said, I am not condoning porn or the behaviour, it is one of the more unhealthy ways of coping in my honest opinion. I redirect my energy to the gym these days. I suppose my point is, don't be too quick to take it personally as it might just be a misguided coping mechanism.

Good luck,I wish you all the best and hope it works out.

Karen0901
Community Member

A new baby is a huge transition and it's a difficult time for many people. I would think that it might be his way of dealing with these difficulties. He may also have been anxious during your pregnancy and tried to distract himself in this way.

The porn could become an addiction, if it is not dealt with, even if it is not one now but I would give him a chance to adapt first to be sure it is not just a passing coping strategy. Added pressure from you could do more harm then good at this point.

Having a baby is also difficult for you. The hormones make you feel more emotional and the lack of sleep is difficult. Think about whether this may be affecting you at this time as well. If you are feeling unattractive, you may be projecting your fears onto the situation.

If he has an addiction maybe it would be best to wait until an easier time to address it. A better mental state will help give him strength to change his situation. However, it's ok for you to tell him it makes you uncomfortable and concerned. Hopefully this will wake him up to what he is doing and he will make a change on his own.

Maybe ask him to help more with the baby. It will help with the bonding and if he is watching porn all the time he must not be focused on what is happening in your family. Don't give him time to feed the addiction. This will hopefully withdraw it from the forefront of his thoughts over time.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Kim, 'the addict may not even realise they have an issue and they will deny it or try to justify it right' and also by what Jafar has said ' It is an addiction and therefore he'll be defensive when challenged about it' are both correct.

The problem is that you have just had a baby, so not only is your world changing so is your body, so it's natural you want your husband to give you a little gratitude and respect for carrying the baby for 9 months and then delivering a healthy one and not concentrate on watching porn.

I get the point that he doesn't have to negotiate with you about being intimate, but instead, enjoy the wonder of having a new baby, so his desires should be forgotten about.

The problem with being addicted to porn is that it makes the wife less interested in satisfying the husband and even if he asks, she'll just say no and tell him to watch what he has been doing recently.

You shouldn't be compared because you are doing everything possible to be a new mum, try and lose the weight gained by being pregnant and to be a wife, so you need all the encouragement from your husband and not for him to be addicted to porn.

My best wishes.

Geoff.

Terry73
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Kim, although the others here have probably a better insight and idea on whats going on, my own advice is based on the fact you really only just had a baby. He is trying to keep his "needs" fulfilled without pressuring you for a bit. He probably chose porn for a number of reasons, and I am guessing the most likely one was that he didnt want to go cheat on you, he feels he needs "release" so he chose to watch porn as a temporary way of "sustaining himself". Another reason is he might be looking for other ways in which you and him can interact  and  to "spice things up". All I'm saying is that you should keep a bit of an open mind, think logical, and give him a little more time, if he still has the same volume of viewing porn hours as before, then start considering he has become an addict.

Another idea came up in my mind while writing this, is if you are fine with this idea, try watching some with him when you can. That way you can see his reaction to it all, and you can decide if its healthy or not.

Well thats my thoughts anyway, Im no expert though

Kim1988
Community Member

Hi Terry,

I actually did think yesterday to ask to see if he would be interested in watching some together. It’s obviously something that he enjoys doing and something he may need to get him aroused initially. That way he won’t feel the need to hide it from me and there’s no secrets between us. If it’s something that he enjoys so much in that way I want to be part of it to. Maybe we can both be inspired by it? Although neither of us are porn stars.

To be honest I think he always watched that amount. Maybe even before I came along but I’ve only caught onto it now.

He has now started covering his tracks about it. He deleted his browsing history on his tablet now that he knows I’ve seen it as well as now deleting his Google search history. He wasn’t doing this before. It’s like why are you going to such lengths to now hide it from me if you don’t think the amount of porn you consume is abnormal? Because I may have caught onto something that he probably doesn’t want to admit to himself. Hiding it better from me really doesn’t solve the issue if he has one.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Kim, sometimes if he hides it, is another game for him to play, just as if he puts it in another folder where he wouldn't expect you to look, is making him feel in control.

Geoff.

H2OMAN
Community Member

"He has now started covering his tracks about it. He deleted his browsing history on his tablet now that he knows I’ve seen it as well as now deleting his Google search history. He wasn’t doing this before. It’s like why are you going to such lengths to now hide it from me if you don’t think the amount of porn you consume is abnormal? Because I may have caught onto something that he probably doesn’t want to admit to himself. Hiding it better from me really doesn’t solve the issue if he has one."

Maybe you're overthinking it?

A couple of considerations you may not have made>

1. He feels that you have violated his privacy. After all you are the one who infringed on his browser and history, his privacy in a personal area. Not saying he does or does not have an issue with porn, but what about his right to autonomy and privacy? Tripping over something is one thing, and you tried to address that, but then going looking for it again, knowing he is covering his tracks demonstrates that you are actually not trusting him. You can try to disguise that as "concern" but you have already expressed your concern. Why not simply state to him the facts that you tripped over his history, your not judging him, your not threatened by his behaviours, and that you are there to talk about things if and when he is ready?

2. He has a very strong sex drive and does not want to impose his "needs" or desires onto you after having a baby and knowing how tired you are?

3. Guilt. He's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He feels ashamed and guilty and does not know how to rationalise his behaviour or explain it. All of which could put a wedge between you both if not handled carefully.

Maybe suggest counselling with a sex therapist? But not verbally.

Try writing him a letter with understanding, expressing your shock but not revulsion, expressing your understanding, support and willingness to find a mediated space where he can express himself openly and honestly with you.

Because I guarantee that if he loves you he would rather be having physical contact with you than a digital delight.

I can also guarantee that if you intentionally infringe on his sense of privacy and possible sense of shame this will cause wounds to your relationship.

Keep working at it but also try to put yourself in his head space, also understand it is usually a coping mechanism for something beyond mere sexual release. Notably a search for intimacy.

All the best.