I think my girlfriends mentally draining
I’ve been in a relationship for about a year and a bit now. It’s been pretty smooth sailing but over the past couple of months things have been starting to get really bad. A while back we had a moment where we fought and eventually broke up, but we talked and gave it another go. Since then things haven’t been the same.
I don’t want to sound like a bad guy or anything, but my girlfriend’s been mentally and emotionally draining, and I’m not sure if it’s gonna get better. I’ve been told by heaps of people that I should talk to her about it, but I’m always met with a harsh lecture about how she can’t help it, practically making me feel more drained for even attempting to speak up about it. I’ve tried to explain that I want breaks where I can have time to myself, but she guilt trips me into not having them, whether that’s forcing me to explain every reason why I want one which even then isn’t enough, or gets mad at me while using the ‘how-about-what-I-want’ card. Even when I’ve gotten breaks, I get calls from her asking if I’m annoyed or mad, which typically last the whole day, not even giving me a break at all.
She also constantly asks me if I’m ok, mad, annoyed, in the mood to talk, ect. Regardless of my answer, she gets stressed and doesn’t believe me at all, saying I’m sad and pressuring me to tell her what’s wrong, when nothing is wrong. She then gets upset, saying I’m annoyed and demanding a reason why. I could be perfectly normal, and how I usually am, yet she stills asks what’s wrong and says I’m annoyed. And then she begins to go on, saying how I’m not doing something, or I’m doing something wrong, even bringing up things that don’t relate to anything. Sometimes she says something that I can’t understand then proceeds to say it’s nothing or it doesn’t matter, then gets upset about how I didn’t listen or that I don’t want to talk.
To put things short, I’m getting extremely drained by her, which is affecting everything else in my life, school, work, even friendships cause I can’t go out because she gets upset from it. I’ve had thoughts about what I should do and if it’s the relationship I want, but I have this guilt about ending things, especially seeing how she was the first time. I’m honestly stuck and don’t know why to do.
Thank you very much for joining the forum community here! Thank you also for being so honest in your sharing, it takes guts sometimes and we are very grateful for the effort.
Relationships are rarely, if ever, as easy and straight-forward as they seem 'on paper'. When we are another person's intimate space emotionally as much as physically, it is practically impossible not to touch on their wounds and fears. It really is only a matter of time.
It can be very useful to do a test on your attachment style - please make sure its a fairly reputable one, not a facebook pop-quiz, but if you can find a good one, having insight into how you connect and what your needs are in frelationships can help a lot. Maybe she can have a go too?
It can be very helpful to apply curiousity in any relationship situation. "You seem to really struggle with the idea of time apart and having different hobbies - can I ask if you know why that scares or hurts you?" for example. It is far harder for our partners to get angry about issues when we show we are genuinely curious why they are there. Even better, if she can answer, you have an insight into how to help resolve that issue, and you can navigate your relationship more easily.
I have no doubt that many other voices will want to offer support soon, Cloo - thank you for posting and hang in there!
Hello Cloo, it's being on a chess board, you get moved here, there and anywhere without any consideration, some may call it emotional abuse and perhaps that's what it is, where everything you do is watched and comes under scrutiny.
To think about leaving the person you've had for the first time is always a difficult decision, but if they don't suit you then there is no other option but to leave.
There will be many other people who treat you the way you would really like to be in a r/lationship, and that's what you need to explore, to be loved for who you are, and given the credit, just as you would to them, rather than being emotional handled into her way of thinking.
Give yourself the benefit of knowing that there is somebody out there just waiting for you to be single, who really wants to make lovely comments about how proud they are of you, just as you will in return.
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are feeling helpless and unhappy in this relationship. Your partner seems to be draining you and you can't handle it anymore but you also care for her very much so you are unsure what to do.
Have you communicated to her how she is making you feel? communication is always key. Maybe letting her know about all the helplines that are available.
Stay safe and i am always here to chat.
Thank you for sharing on the forum, I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment in this difficult situation. It seems as though you are feeling unfulfilled and exhausted in your current relationship. It also seems that the respect for boundaries and feelings are not being reciprocated.
As scary and hard as it might be, it could be helpful to have a honest conversation around how you are feeling with your girlfriend. As Sophie_M mentioned before, encouraging her to share why she behaves and feels in the way that she does might help you to navigate how to solve the issues that you have/provide reassurance to her. It might also make her more curious as to what your intentions are towards certain things (wanting breaks) and voice your needs. It's important to consider when these conversations might be most productive, for example, it might not be helpful to try and have this discussion at a time where emotions are heightened (e.g. during an argument).
Your mental wellbeing is incredibly important - it could be useful to check out the "Staying Well" section of the forum for further advice in regards to supporting your wellbeing or potentially connecting with a mental health provider.
I wish you all the best and hope that you can find fulfillment, regardless of the outcome. I encourage you to continue to reach out for support on the forums.
Sorry to hear that you are feeling drained. I know you said she flips out when you try to talk, but I truly believe that communication is always key. Your GF may have abandonment issues and when you say you need a "break", she most likely fears you will leave her for good, which can be very distressing for her due to these issues and thus she checks in with you. I think time apart would definitely be beneficial for you both, and you may need to communicate to her that you are going to have a few days to yourself - it does NOT MEAN you are breaking up, you just need some time to be alone and live your own, individual life and achieve your own individual feats. A relationship is more beautiful when both lives are lived SIDE BY SIDE not ENMESHED into one. You need to be your own person for a relationship to work. And if she cannot do that, well the bitter truth is that your relationship may not last - because you cannot be expected to be with her 24/7 nor have your own life. TIME APART IS HEALTHY.
I have COVID so i am not seeing my partner for a week bc i do not want him to get it - at first i was DISTRAUGHT, mainly because COVID cancelled my exam and put an important surgery off for 2 months AND I could not see my partner for a week on top of it. But now that I am over the initial shock of being COVID positive, I am happy he can stay home and work, because he needs to and whilst i am bored in iso, i will 100% support and love him for afar. and its so easy because we've done it before (not to say we do not miss each other though). so, time apart is healthy, and can benefit your relationship because you live your own life.
you must communicate this with her in a healthy way, but if she cannot reason with you, then i am sorry. your first love is the most difficult to lose, and it may be hard - but just remember what you deserve in a partner and make your choice.
i hope it all works out,
I’ve tried to explain that to her, saying I’m not leaving for good and I just want time apart because it will help both of us, like you mentioned, but she doesn’t seem to understand that. Usually I’m met with more questions about why I want time apart, but regardless of what I say it she still ask the same question. Sometimes she even tries to make me question the idea by saying that I’ve never had time apart in the past and why it’s changed now. I’ve tried to even explain when I go out to either a party or to hang out with friends so it’s not just her I’m seeing all the time and that she should do the same, but she slowly pulls me away from that, whether that’s planning impromptu things or by getting mad at me when I’m trying to hang out. I enjoy hanging out with her, but it’s starting to become the only thing I do now. In the past two weeks, I’ve had to cancel parties and days with mates because she wants to do something.
That sounds incredibly tricky and I'm sure it would be quite frustrating having to cancel plans. Does she know your friends and like hanging out with them? Do you think that if you were to occasionally invite her to things with friends that she might feel more comfortable with the idea of you being with them? It seems as though she might have an insecure attachment style as jaz mentioned above which could explain why she might be fearing these things. However, it sounds as though despite your attempts at providing her with reassurance and trying your best to voice your valid reasoning, she is still not at ease. It sounds like these conversations have caused her to try and spend more time together which is becoming even more overwhelming and isolating for you. As incredibly hard as it might be, it's important to try and sustain these plans with friends as cancelling plans could be the start of a cycle and become more common.
It could be great to have a conversation around how you are feeling right now, the things that you are trying to do to improve your understanding of her and yourself, what you are doing to care for yourself and the desire for a future together. Let her know that you are understanding of her difficulties and what you already do/are willing to do to support her (helping her find resources and people to contact etc.) as she is ultimately responsible for her wellbeing. Let her know that you enjoy your time together. But understand that there is only so much you can do if she is not willing to or attempts to try and work on herself.
I really do send you strength and hope during this time. Please take care