I think I’m in an abusive relationship

[Beccahadz]

My partner came home from work angry today, and lost his shit when I had no cigarettes left (I had a 30 pack yesterday, and yes I know that is really bad). In his defence, I had taken a few off him and I need to pay it back. Then he lost his shit again but this time telling me the shows that I watch do no good for me when I’m home. I usually clean the house and do the washing on my three days off from work. He’s been yelling at me about my lack of communication, and I know I need to work on it and I have been trying. But sometimes I feel like I have to walk on eggshells, and I can’t tell him that because I’m afraid he’ll lose it at me again. I love him so much, and if I lose him I’d be super depressed. 

[Croix]

Dear Beccahadz~

I'd like to welcome you back to the forum and am sorry you have to walk on eggshells in your relationship. it is no way to be, everyone needs a partner who is on their side and looks after them, and it does not sound as if you have that, at least for now.

Instead it looks like your partner gives way to anger whenever things don't go right from his point of view. This is no way to be for either of you. I'd suspect if he does that at home he might do that elswhere too. May I ask if this is a recent thing? Is there anything else he does to make your life miserable?

I understand your loving him, and not wanting to break up, on the other hand living on tenterhooks all the  time is not good for you. All that stress mounts up. I know it might seem risky to raise the subject however do you think there is any chance you might be able to persuade him to go with you to couples counseling? If you are not the best person to do this is there anyone else he would take notice of?

While you are in this situation are you facing it all on your own, or is there anyone in your life to talk with? A friend or family perhaps. They only have to listen and show they care, it's not like they would be expected to 'fix' things.

I guess I've presented a difficult choice -what do you think?

Croix

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

It sounds like a very stressful environment. To be afraid to say anything in fear that "he’ll lose it at me again" is reasonable. I wonder if he recognises or understands that?

Sometimes lack of communication can be a problem of knowing where to start, or what to say, or how much to say ... at least these are the thoughts that go through my mind, so it is easier to say nothing.

On the TV shows... I don't know what you watch, but there are some shows I watch you would consider as train-wrecks or trash. Watch them because it can be a moment where you can truly switch off.

Can you tell me more about your story?

[Beccahadz]

Hi, we've been together for a year and a half. It's not really a recent thing, as whenever he comes home angry, he would start yelling at me for not doing something around the house (when I have a couple of days off). He tells me he expects me to spend 8 hours a day (on two of my days off) to clean the house, and told me to save the weekend to go see my friends. 

There was another incident where we were on the way home from a birthday party, and he had misplaced his hate. He told me to look for it, and had to eventually pull over. I opened the door, so I can see if I was sitting on it. He lost it on me again then, because the first thing I was supposed to do was use a torch to check inside the car first. We spent the rest of the drive home with him yelling and screaming at me for "Not doing anything" when he came home from work. I usually wipe down the benches, clean dishes and dry them too, do washing, and cook dinner on my two days off. It feels like I'm in an abusive relationship, but I don't know if I am.

I do struggle with communication in the relationship, because earlier on in the relationship if I had concerns about something, he'd yell at me or invalidate my feelings. It feels like I have to walk on eggshells sometimes with him, then he has a go at me for not communicating.

 

[Croix]

Dear Beccahadz~

Thanks for coming back and explaining more, it does make it easier to see what is going on.

Any reasonable relationship is a partnership, both parties trying to look out for the other, being able to rely on them  and be reliable in turn. It most definitely not a case of one person screaming at another all the time demanding they perfom chores, or anything else for that matter.

If there were a disagreement over household chores it would need ot be resolved in quiet considerate manner - not the case here at all, yessing at you and invalidating your feelings. You are 50% of the  relationship and just as important as he is. . It is not up to him to yes and demand anything of you or to try to get you to behave like a domestic servant..

I know what you mean by walking on eggshells, trying to avoid those unpredictable storms of temper.

My I suggest you have a talk with the experts in the area of abusive relationships and see what advice they  offer. They are 1800RESPECT 1800 737 732 and are open 24/7 phone and web-chat, They can be a comfort. Sometimes one can be too close to a problem, this will give you some perspective

Do you have to face all this alone?

We are here for you anytime

Croix