Dear So Stuck & Sad
Hello and welcome to the forum. When your partner makes you feel inferior in some way it's hardly likely you will want to stay there. That's pretty straight forward. However you want someone to love you and who you can love and this relationship is not satisfying. One of the things that happen in these sorts of relationships is that one partner (you in this case) becomes quite dependent on the other and afraid to leave. After all he calls you names and if you were strong and capable you would not stand for it. Right? Wrong.
If he cared he would be respectful, it's as simple as that. So you look for affection elsewhere. It would probably have been better had you separated before getting together with someone else, but you didn't and there is no changing this. So the new BF is a caring and loving person, which is what you want. Unfortunately the old BF has put many ideas in your head about how unworthy you are that you become totally confused. Then he starts to manipulate you by saying he cannot forgive you.
This is really saying he thinks he is superior and has some right to forgive you. Not so. He is angry you have left. OK but that's his problem not yours. Forgiving is not something you do to someone. It's managing your own feelings about someone. So he dangles this carrot in front of you saying all will be well if you return. If he cannot 'forgive' you now he will never do so. And it is likely to be more uncomfortable for you. Now he has you back he can keep bringing up how you left him and caused him pain and how he lets you live with him because he is such a fantastic person.
Your new BF knows you were with someone when you met so he can hardly complain about it now. But I get the impression he is OK about this and it is your feelings which are causing you this conflict. It sounds to me as though you are with someone who cares. I think the other chap made you unhappy except for times when he turned on the charm and you were so pleased that you forgot all the bad times. It happens a lot.
You need to forgive yourself and you are the only person who can do this. Why not have a chat to your GP and ask if there are any local counsellors who deal with grief and loss. Go and see someone and talk out all your fears. I think you will be happier and more settled in your mind.
Let us know how you are going and how we can support you more.
Mary
