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I still feel my heart breaking
I was in a long distance relationship with my partner for 3 years. I truly loved her... I still do.
Our jobs just killed us. We were often moved around and away from one another. It was hard when we were apart. But SO good when we were together. This was something special.
We spent the first year of our relationship together in the same city and meeting her was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. My heart beated to a different tune and I truly fell in love. She did too. She is the love of my life.
She left me 2 months ago. Just before I had to go away yet again. She couldn’t do it anymore. All the long distance phone calls, flights, hotels. I get it.
I wanted nothing more to wake up and fall asleep beside her every morning and night. Make her laugh, make her feel loved, make her happy.
I know it was hurting her. I was hurting too. But I was optimistic that one day soon that our jobs would finally allow us to be together in the same place. She was not so sure.
There was a lot of crying of the phone. A lot of I miss you’s. Slowly I realised that we were calling less often. She was tired from crying and I was tired from consoling her. Both require a lot of energy.
She came to visit me while I was away and it was strange. She kissed me differently. Her heart wasn’t in it. I could feel it.
Once I was back, it still wasn’t right. I knew something was up. I asked her about it. Many times. But she just said she was stressed at work. I betrayed her trust and looked st her phone. She had been talking to someone else... the way she would talk to me.
And the more I read the more my heart sunk. I could feel my heart Slowly cracking and shrivelling. I was sick to my stomach. I fell to my knees. It was the worst feeling I’ve ever felt. My heart was truly broken.
She found me and knew. She picked me up from the floor and hugged me for hours. We talked about it. We talked about everything.
I should have wanted to scream and shout at her. I should have wanted to hurt her. But I couldn’t.
I spent weeks crying. Lying in bed doing nothing. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, lost 7kgs in 2 weeks and looked and felt like a wreck.
My career is booming. I got a promotion at work. It’s the only thing I’ve got going for me at the moment. And I’ve had to move to a new city. I’ve left behind the love of my life, and all my friends and family. I have never felt sadder in my life.
When im awake I cry myself to sleep. When I’m asleep I cry myself awake.
I am truly heart broken
I know you’re feeling devastated. I know you’re hurting deeply. I sense the loneliness and painful feelings of loss in your words. People often say that it almost feels like your heart is physically breaking during heartbreak...it’s a horrendous feeling.
You clearly loved your partner very deeply. She meant the world to you. To have to part ways with the love of your life must have been (must still be) devastating...
About the tears, maybe just let them fall for now. Sometimes, I feel it can be healing to “honour our pain.” By that, I mean letting ourselves cry and facing the difficult emotions as they arise...it’s not easy though...
Also, maybe try to be extra gentle on yourself. For example, if eating is a struggle, maybe just eat what you can for now (and try not to be too hard on yourself if your appetite isn’t that great) or even make some healthy smoothies, etc if that’s easier to stomach.
I suppose what I’m trying to express is to be extra kind to yourself during this rough time. Heartbreak can take a lot out of a person both physically and emotionally...so gentle and easy does it...
Your post really moved me and I’m glad you posted. Sometimes I feel it can be helpful to release some of the difficult emotions here (as you have done).
Please feel free to write any time you like; you’re most welcome here. I feel there are many caring members here who would be able to empathise and want to support you...if you’re feeling up to it, it would be great to hear from you again.
Kind and Caring thoughts,
Hi LisaRose, I am only new here too but I couldn't help but reply. I can feel the pain and horror in your words, because Ive been there before (except I was married and had young kids) and when it hit me that it was over it was horrendous. The tears, not eating, feeling like death, nothing to live for and just constant dull feeling like my heart was honestly broken. It is not easy. It doesn't pass fast. It is the hardest thing you will deal with. BUT when you can acknowledge these feelings and allow yourself the time to grieve thats when you will start to notice a difference.
At first it might just be the fact that its morning and you actually get out of bed and make a cup of tea. Another time it might be that you look out a window and see a blue sky. Another time it might be you see something on the news that is absolutely horrifying and you get this tiny little speck of *i'm alive* (which you then quickly shut down because you remember your heartbroken and life as you knew it is over..) But if you are still following my writing you will be able to read that day by day things change in you. You may not believe me now (i never believed anyone who told me) but eventually you will have a moment when you see the blue sky and think 'beautiful'. You might notice a bird pecking at crumbs or some other normal everyday thing and it won't set you off into a big crying mess.
I know its hard, I never thought I would ever ever be in that position. but i was, and i am now out the other side. Horrible. Horrendous.
nights are the worse. surround yourself (when you can) with friends. you don't need to explain yourself. use this forum to get things off your chest. breathe. try to do one thing at a time and if for now your job is booming - ride with it, opportunities only get presented once. For me I had to eventually realise I had to keep going - my kids needed me. But I know how your feeling, I know its not easy and I know if you make two steps forwards and one step backwards then over time you are still moving forward.
You are in a truly hurting place, and it's a really, really hard place to be. I am so sorry you are going through this terrible pain.
As Pepper said, now is the time to be really gentle with yourself. Let yourself cry. Come here to the forums and pour your heart out. Give yourself lots of time and space to grieve this profound loss in your life. Go for lots of walks and keep moving through the pain. Don't forget to breathe (in my experience, pain like this can cause you to tighten up so much that you forget to take proper deep breaths, this adds to that feeling of literal heartache).
Give yourself permission to do whatever it takes to take care of you.
It will hurt for a time to come LisaRose, and it's extra hard for you being in another city away from your friends and family and such a lonely time.
We will be here to listen to you and care about you.
Give yourself a hug from me.
Hi Lisa Rose
Your hurt and sadness had me feel such sorrow, the place you're in being such a hard one. The advice and support offered by those above is so right for you right now - take time to grieve and to hold yourself safely as you find your way through the loss. Be kind to you. It's what helped me get through when, nearly thirty years ago, my then partner came home and with the simple sentence "there's no romance, no sparkle and no fun left" finished a decade long relationship that was my foundation of life. Grieving for that loss took me through a time of confusion and sadness and doubt. And then understanding.
Something you said struck me: My career is booming. I got a promotion at work. It’s the only thing I’ve got going for me at the moment. I can see how you would think that but it's not what I felt as I read. Through your pain and your grief there was strength; a strength of honesty, a strength of capacity to love, a strength of wanting to understand, a strength of wanting to move through the loss and grief. You have more than your career, you have you with all those strengths - wonderful, powerful strengths that will pull you through. As Pepper said: 'honour your pain" and it struck me that you have what it takes to do that.
Your coming here and sharing so openly took courage, which is itself something wonderful. You do have more than your career, your post tells me you have what it takes to follow Birdy's suggestion of doing what you need to take care of you.
Hold yourself kindly