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I say I cannot put up with him anymore...so why do I?
For the last few months I've been thinking that I really don't know what to do in terms of our relationship. We've been going out for a little over a year now and it's never been fantastic. I don't like aggressive conflict (I shut down and have trouble voicing my opinions when in arguments with him and him only) and he constantly starts conflict. He also constantly calls me names when arguing with me, which I have time and time again told him that it's unacceptable to do and he says "Well that's just me, that's just how I deal with stupid arguments" and I say again and again that it's not healthy and he cannot treat me like that but he always comes back with that. Honestly, I use to just put up with it because I use to have very bad anxiety. Now, however, I fight back but he just laughs at me and brushes me off as 'emotional'. I do love him but it's hard to feel the love in it's entirety.
He does other things that completely turns me off him too, like when he drinks he cannot control himself at all and drinks until he's toppling over. He constantly talks about himself and he's very egotistical. For example, my friend's new boyfriend met him for the first time and my friend's boyfriend said he gave a terrible first impression because he non stop talked about himself and how he's going overseas soon, how much he makes at work, how he went to a private school, how he's to 'only one' that actually works hard in his advanced degree... and it embarrassed the crap out of me. It's one thing to talk about yourself and your accomplishments but he just met the guy literally that night. I know he is boasting because sometimes he'll meet people and he will literally say he's better than them and it turns me off COMPLETELY.
I'm so sick of him but at the same time I can't find the courage in me to leave him, which I can't understand considering I like being alone and doing things alone and he's my first boyfriend so before him I was completely alone. I feel guilty because I keep thinking about how easy single life was when I didn't have to worry about someone else. I'm just not happy anymore BUT I cannot leave him and it frustrates me that I find myself in such a stupid dilemma. He's actually good to me when he's good mood, he's nice and caring but really I'm starting to feel like everything else outweighs that unfortunately.
Am I just being really unreasonable about this? Am I only focusing on the negatives? I'm so utterly frustrated that I feel so hopeless...
Hi pop and welcome to the forums
I feel like I know the exact guy. Gosh I feel like I dated someone very similar. It is one thing to have self confidence, but it can sometimes be a bit over the top. I think if your friends have concerns about him it can be showing some warning signs. Sometimes people aren't good at first impressions and try over compensate and try make themselves look better than they are. If they meet him again maybe it will be different.
If he is making you feel less by putting you down and putting himself up then is it an equal relationship. In a relationship you should be made to feel equal, valued and respected. In my relationship I didn't feel this.The relationship ended and I wasn't sad that it was over, but more sad that I wasn't going to have that person to text everyday about how it was. It was a sign it was over before it was.
I think maybe having a serious conversation with him regarding how he treats you and how he always just says it is anxiety doesn't make you feel heard or respected. Maybe talk about what you both want in a relationship (doesn't have to be a long term talk). Maybe you both want different things. Maybe he doesn't realise he is doing it. Either way sometimes unforuntatley not all relationships last, and it is better walking away then staying and being unhappy.
Hi MsPurple, thank you for your reply.
I have tried to talk with him about the problems I have but he always says we can work it out or, in the case of the drinking, he says that's just who he is and that I 'have no right' to change him. I'm not trying to change him completely, I just want him to understand what he does isn't healthy and to maybe find a good limit to it (the drinking).
Something has just happened though. He spent all afternoon drinking and he got VERY drunk, like to the point where he wasn't making sense and was stumbling. All night he said he wasn't going to go out clubbing even though his friends were, so I figured I didn't have to worry about booking an Uber home with money I need. Literally 10 minutes ago he said he's going out clubbing now. I said okay I'm a bit annoyed but I want to go home then. He got right into my face, really not being dramatic here when I say he was only a centimetre away from my face, and he said if I go home the relationship is over. I said you can't do that, you can't give me that ultimatum and he said that he can, and that it's final; if I'm not at his in the morning, I am to never speak to him again and the relationship is over. I'm so angry, more angry than I have ever been. I want to leave but I cannot bring myself to end the relationship. He was incredibly drunk when he said it but it doesn't make it okay. Now I don't know what to do and I feel like I'm panicking and I'm really not okay I really just want to go home but I can't I don't koow what to do
Good Morning Pop, thanks for posting your comment.
From what you have told us, I'm very sorry and know that you want to leave him, but just a little frightened because of how he treats you, that's totally understandable because you're scared of his reaction, even though it's what you want to do.
The bad far outweighs any good, in other words, he may be nice to you, but it's the criticism, dominance and name calling is much stronger and the reason why you want to break up with him.
This could be exhausting for you and it's better done sooner rather than later, that being said, there is never a pleasant way to break up with him, that's what you want to do, so can I ask you, if there are any circumstances you might share, like living together or perhaps any other situations that may make it difficult.
Hope to hear back from you.
It sounds like you already know what's best for you. One of the most outstanding comments you make includes '...and I say again and again that it's not healthy and he cannot treat me like that but he always comes back with that ('Well that's just me, that's just how I deal with stupid arguments').' Your request for him to be more thoughtful with his words is met with a lack of compassion and respect time and time again. Personally, I believe compassion and respect to be 2 of the most important qualities in a relationship, for often we relate through these qualities in order to grow closer to someone.
You also mention that you love him but it's hard to feel the love entirely. I'll give you my take on 'love' so it can perhaps shed some light on why it seems so hard to fully feel the love. I believe love is found in evolution. When someone truly loves us, they tend to inspire our evolution or growth. When we love our self, we inspire our own evolution or growth. Inspiring our own growth may involve, for example
- Body: Healthy diet and exercise and overall care for our physical self
- Mind: Expansion through further education, reading, meditation, self-esteem building, mental health care etc
- Spirit: Returning to nature on occasion, being of service to friends, family or strangers (aka community spirit) etc
Pop, I believe you to be far from unreasonable, quite the contrary. The ability to find reasons that lead to the need for change is an ability you obviously do have. There definitely is a need for change in your circumstances. You can't fully experience love or self-love under such conditions, such mental and emotional abuse. Perhaps it's time to simply state the facts to your partner. Either he begins showing you greater compassion and respect or you will show yourself greater compassion and respect by leaving the relationship. Giving him the choice to develop a greater sense of consciousness is a reasonable thing to do. Giving him this choice, a chance for him to grow, allows you leave the relationship as a loving person with a clear conscience (if leaving becomes your decision).
Whether your partner is simply narcissistic or he has deep self-esteem issues he's overcompensating for, he needs to take ownership in regard of how he treats you.
Take care of yourself pop. Sending positive vibes of love and courage your way!
Hi Pop, he has a power over you which is why you can't leave him, but really want to when 'he said if I go home the relationship is over' you
Can I suggest that you have a couple of days away from him, staying with a friend or perhaps a family member to see how mentally you feel, this may then convince you to leave him or decide you want to stay with him.
We are just trying to answer the question you have asked.