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I ruined my relationship
Hi guys, first time poster, I usually do not post on internet forums but I need help.
A little about myself, I am a 21 year old male with anxiety and recently broke up with my girlfriend. My ex-girlfriend is smart, beautiful and incredibly caring, was literally perfect.
At the beginning of the relationship everything was going fine I would put in effort and she would as well, we were all happy, but it all changed when i approached my second last semester before graduating.
Before the break up, it was an accumulation of neglect from my part, for the past two months I prioritised my uni studies over her, making me put in less and less effort throughout the duration. She would always put in the effort throughout the semester by asking whether I wanted to do something and I would either say I would be busy with studying or work. Only now to realise that I should have had a balance or to postpone the date to the following week.
She called me over the phone two days ago and confessed that she wanted to end it saying that she has been unhappy and always put in effort and she is getting nothing back from me and that I should see someone else. My anxiety flared up and I was left speechless without fighting against it, so basically I just accepted the break up, she was balling her eyes out and I could not shed a tear and was so emotionless to it .
I only realised yesterday morning that I have stuffed up, I was left with pure emptiness, tears and feeling alone, I have lost the love of my life. I have tried to chase her up by handwriting a letter along with flowers and box of chocolates, and personally delivering it in her mailbox. I want to fix my mistakes I have done the past 2 months. She has not responded to any messages I have left, leaving me with constant anxiety and stress.
I have no friends I can to turn to for this issue as I fear of disapproval from them for my negligence during the relationship. I have resorted to alcohol only recently to sleep better at night and in the morning I wake up and repeat the break up and mistakes in my head with a feeling of pure guilt & shame.
I stuffed up, I feel alone, empty sad and scared as to what I should do next.
It might have been very hard for you to do but opening up here has given a pretty honest and self-critical account of how you have been.
OK, you now know there should have been more of a balance, with care and attention to your GF as well as studies.
How would you feel about printing out your post, saying the depth of feeling that made you write it and simply give it to her?
By itself it may not be a cure-all, but it might be a start If she would accept that then not only promising to behave differently -but actually doing so permanently -would be the only way I could think of to repair the damage. -What do you think?
Welcome to the Beyond Blue team,
Croix has written a great account of your situation and great way to try and help you downgrade your anxiety and stress.
My opinion, and it only my opinion as I don’t have any degrees but I think your situation is one that like a lot of these romantic movies when the guy let his girlfriend down and has to show thoughout the movie number of times how much he really loves her.
Like the movie, I think that you have to show her how much you care over a longer time than the once you have showed. I know that the one time has come from your heart and like Croix has said these words she needs to hear more off.
Make caring and honest actions to win her heart. Little things like something personal. A voucher to a movie if she likes movies. Tickets to a concert if she likes music. Something more personal that connect you both to try and heal things. Chocolates and flowers are too stereotype and a bit too easy to think off.
Give her space, beening too pushy or clingy will scare her. Try and show good leadership. Genuine actions from the heart.
Good luck. If you able to get her back remember to learn your letdowns. If not the happy ending like in the movies try to learn what to do better next time when you heal.
Truly the loss of someone you really love is devastating but you had an agenda in mind, to finish your semester, so your thoughts were of the future and not the present.
That's easy to do because you always think that she would accept this, but unfortunately, she didn't, she wanted you to make some change to your behaviour in order for you to be more “acceptable” to her.
So now you're at a crossroad where you have to convince her that she is the one, so ask her what she wants, she may have told you before but only half listened, so ask her to come and have a coffee with you or organise a night out, something you know she likes to do.
Remember she is smart, beautiful and incredibly caring,