I need strength to carry on
I've been commenting on other people's posts and trying to be positive - but my situation is wearing me down.
My marriage of 5 years has broken down. We have a four year old boy. It all started when I told my wife I wanted an intimate marriage and she reacted by saying I had destroyed our marriage by bringing it up. Over the last 4 months it has been horrible - she wanted me to leave the house, counseling failed, she became more abusive emotionally, verbally and physically.
I refused to leave our house. I do a lot for our son and I'm not abandoning him. She thinks I'm only entitled to have our son 2 days a fortnight if we separate. This is our son who I see every day, am with every night, every weekend, cook for him, feed him, bath him, pick him up from kindy. I want him at least 6 nights a fortnight but she won't have that. We've both been to lawyers and the next step is family dispute resolution - I'm just worried it will escalate and she will take it to court which will destroy us all.
I'm pretty lost at the moment. My wife is threatening to take our son to her parents and I won't see him until after court. She's trying to stop me from doing things with him when I am around. I'm using all my strength just to hold up in front of my son and to remain calm and collected.
I hate this unknown, I live in fear of what my wife is going to do next and in particular I'm so worried for our son. I'm dreading the day we/I have to tell him mummy and daddy won't be living together any more, how he will react, how he will cope. What a nightmare. Can anyone tell me if they have been in a similar position? I can truly see why people are forced to leave their own homes and give up time with their children because they feel they have no other choice. Well I'm not going to leave. I have done nothing wrong and I'm going to stand up for myself and my son - who needs his dad in his life just as much as his mum
Hey AB. Please forgive me, I never meant to imply anything concerning your wife's inability to care for your son. All I meant was, should your wife try to use your son in any way as a prawn in negotiations, his welfare is of primary concern. Some women will use any trick to make things happen their way. I sincerely hope your situation with her is worked out to suit both of you. I was also concerned about you mentioning she would try to limit your time with your son. I do, know the laws concerning access/custody are different now as opposed to 20/30 years ago. A lot of couples who part actually agree in writing to shared custody. I think the law is such now that if one party tries to ignore the court's ruling, they do have to face penalties, or state acceptable reasons why the shared custody can't be allowed. It's also possible, if one partner ignores shared custody, Family services are then summoned to investigate any and all claims. My ex was a prison supervisor in a women's prison and he used to tell me Family services were always being summoned over children's welfare. I realise that takes time, but children are considered more important with family break-ups and both parties are fully investigated now. Here's hoping none of the above will happen, and you and your wife can negotiate without problems, affecting your sons care.
Hi Apollo, thanks for answering my question. Your son is at a special age and I hope that your wife has the common decency (also motherhood skills) to acknowledge that a father's love is just as important as hers.
I hope she can find the inner peace to help her family as a whole, not just herself.
Here for you Apollo
Hey Lynda. I didn't take anything you said badly so so worry. I know what you mean. All I was saying is that I wouldn't try to take the majority or time with our son like she is prepared to do because I understand the importance or equal care. The thing I really want to avoid is court.
Hey thanks again Paul. my wife and I still haven't talked - fortunately she's being moderately pleasant to me for now....
Hey AB, I too hope court can be avoided, however, if your wife procrastinates too long, you may have no choice. If you can agree, it would be preferable for all concerned, but if you can't, then court will have to decide. Sometimes the court ruling is better, because if one or the other party reneges on an agreement between them, the court can then step in and make sure the agreement reached is followed. I sincerely hope this doesn't happen.
Hi AB. With your negative streak if it's compounded by your determination to settle things as amicably as possible with your wife. You need to take some time to heal yourself, emotionally. It's entirely possible your tendons are stretched due to muscular cramping. When we get emotionally tied in knots, often our tendons do suffer because of the tightness. The determination I'm referring to is probably an conscious hopefulness that you can sort things out without court intervention. When we become determined to keep things simple, we quite often become emotionally tight without realizing the impact on our emotions. This, again, is not reflection on your ability as a loving father and trying to be fair with your wife. You possibly feel you're fighting a losing battle and you're mentally preparing yourself for everything and anything. Be good to yourself, take time to care for you and your son.
Hey Paul. Had a scan on Tuesday - good news was that the tendons looked ok. They thought it was a bit of fat or something on both heels pinching the nerves and tendon. They said a steroid injection would fix it wishing 3-4 days. Day 4 now and no better. Guess I have to give it more time but to be honest I feel like nothing is going to help me. Struck down by a cold too and feel the pits. At an all time low psychologically. Have to dig deep and keep the faith somehow.
On the home front I have to be careful not to react to anything she says because I'm exposed right now. I can imagine myself losing it totally if I don't check myself. All in all I'm doing my daily business without much regard to her. Waiting for my lawyer to get back from leave to work out the next step. My wife still thinks I'll leave the house to her so our son can be in a "stable environment as possible". There's not much point arguing about it. The only thing she will understand will be the stark reality of dealing with lawyers...
hope you are well man. Any advice for beating the depression demons right now would be appreciated
Hey Apollo, apologies for the delay. Besides being crook...(I wonder why your immune system is down?) there is something I just read that was very familiar "My wife still thinks I'll leave the house to her so our son can be in a "stable environment as possible" This really breaks my heart when I read it. It is unfortunately very common and a sad refection of the 'mentality' that I see all too often, especially with a partner that is trying their best not only for the relationship but for their child too.
The depression demons are and will be a pain apollo, only because you have expended so much mental energy in keeping your family together which your son will always know whether its now or down the track.
I know this response is late Apollo but if I can ask you, how are you sleeping? and how are you going through the day? You know I have been through the family court. I do have a bagful of tips for the black dog if you want some
If I can ask...how is your support network? (I have under a handful of people I can call) and if you can let me know if you have a good GP ? Excuse I for the questions Apollo. I will check my incoming posts later today if you have the time to post 🙂
Thanks for your reply Paul. Yes there's no doubt that everything is closely linked to the stressful situation. My foot problems are likely from overdoing it at the gym - but to be honest I don't feel like I overdid it that much. I think my chronically elevated cortisol levels probably left me prone to damage. This got me down and opened me up to the worst cold I've had in ages. Overall Paul my sleep isn't too bad, except for being sick lately. Sometimes I struggle but it's never been a huge problem. I'll often wake early in the morning and not be able to get back to sleep which I know is a sign of depression. Thing is, getting fit was my therapy and because of whatever this issue is with my feet has seriously hampered that...I'm seeing a good podiatrist and physio. My physio even rang me in response to an email I sent to her about my depression that the injections didn't work. She was very good and basically tried to get me to take my focus off it - it will get better eventually and just to focus on modified exercises until then and stop thinking about the pain....hmmm easier said than done. It's just my personality always looks for answers and in this case it's weird and I haven't got an exact diagnosis which bugs me....
During the day I'm variable. I'm pretty over my job because it's demanding mentally and also deals with very sick people. Don't get me wrong - I'm very lucky because my job is flexible, they are aware of my situation and are understanding for the time being. I try and do my best but at present I feel guilty because I'm not able to put in 100% I often find my mind ruminating about my marriage situation and currently about the pain in my feet.
I'm presently waiting for m lawyer to get back from leave (next week) so I can get advice about next steps. She may recommend going back to mediation (not counselling) which is where we left off before my wife wanted to try counselling. I contacted the mediator and unfortunately we have to start from scratch again (more $$$). Who knows my lawyer may say don't bother and we go straight into legal mediation - I doubt this because you do need a certificate saying mediation was attempted before court proceeding can be made. I still hold out hope that even if we do undergo legal mediation - this will negate the need to go to court. My wife's reaction to all of this process remains the key to how smoothly things go...