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I need strength to carry on

Apollo_Black
Community Member

Hi everyone.

I've been commenting on other people's posts and trying to be positive - but my situation is wearing me down.

My marriage of 5 years has broken down. We have a four year old boy. It all started when I told my wife I wanted an intimate marriage and she reacted by saying I had destroyed our marriage by bringing it up. Over the last 4 months it has been horrible - she wanted me to leave the house, counseling failed, she became more abusive emotionally, verbally and physically.

I refused to leave our house. I do a lot for our son and I'm not abandoning him. She thinks I'm only entitled to have our son 2 days a fortnight if we separate. This is our son who I see every day, am with every night, every weekend, cook for him, feed him, bath him, pick him up from kindy. I want him at least 6 nights a fortnight but she won't have that. We've both been to lawyers and the next step is family dispute resolution - I'm just worried it will escalate and she will take it to court which will destroy us all.

I'm pretty lost at the moment. My wife is threatening to take our son to her parents and I won't see him until after court. She's trying to stop me from doing things with him when I am around. I'm using all my strength just to hold up in front of my son and to remain calm and collected.

I hate this unknown, I live in fear of what my wife is going to do next and in particular I'm so worried for our son. I'm dreading the day we/I have to tell him mummy and daddy won't be living together any more, how he will react, how he will cope. What a nightmare. Can anyone tell me if they have been in a similar position? I can truly see why people are forced to leave their own homes and give up time with their children because they feel they have no other choice. Well I'm not going to leave. I have done nothing wrong and I'm going to stand up for myself and my son - who needs his dad in his life just as much as his mum

66 Replies 66

Hi AB. Thanks for the update. I'm sincerely hoping things will start getting better for both of you. If your wife admits to her ill-treatment of you and maybe asks for help in the areas she's falling down on, this would be a major step in repairing the damage. Perhaps, with the help of the counsellor, you could start recognizing when things are starting to spiral - stop, take a step back. Once you know how to recognize 'red flag' time, possibly agree to disagree, change the subject totally. Not everyone agrees 100% on everything. We're all individual, with our own ideas etc. If you can learn to respect each other's boundaries, this would be a good area to rebuild.

Best of luck for your future.

Lynda.

blondguy
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey Apollo

Just thought I'd see how you are going. As long as you are on the forums I will always benefit from the kind advice/support you provide to others

Mal50 is on the same rocky road as we are Apollo

Lynda is a legend to offer her life experience and her huge heart

Here for you Apollo and if its okay a ((Hug)) for you

Paul

Hi apollo

Have read this whole thread.

Suggest you document all harsh comments made by her.

Also comments she mentioned involving her parents and especially your son

Brave of you for remaining in your home. I'm wondering if her latest efforts would have occurred if you left?

Kids are resilient. I too worried about my girls aged 7&4 in 1996 with how they would cope. But their principle assured me of such resilience

Take care and keep that log. Nowadays you are entitled to much more than what I got 20 years ago.

Tony WK

Thank you so much Lynda, Paul and Tony. This week has been pretty good thank you. Still trying to find a counsellor but think we have settled on one. I'm still get a little bit angry at how things have come about - particularly that we had to go through the ringer only to come back to her wanting to try counselling (i.e. Couldn't we just have done that in the first place) which then gets me to thinking about her motives. Anyway, we will give it a good shot.

I really appreciate your kind words Paul. Always learning we are.. And Tony - yes despite the turn around I will continue my documentation - always

Hey Apollo

Good news about settling on a counselor..good on you. I read what you said about why it couldnt have happened in the first place to avoid you and your son going through what you did. Nothing wrong with being a doubting Thomas on that one Apollo..

Tony WK made a good point about keeping a private log too...Its actually positive for your health and self esteem to do so...

Hope your Friday is good to you Apollo 🙂

Paul

Thanks Paul - I remain on high alert but hopeful at the same time.

Hope you have a good Friday and weekend too!

No worries Apollo...I am very much like you....I prefer the hope 🙂 It is a delicate balance isnt it?

Thankyou Apollo 🙂

Hi AB. With regards to your question, 'why couldn't your wife have agreed to counselling originally'. I can't speak for your wife, but I know with me, when my marriage went 'pear-shaped'. I tried everything I could think of, before I finally realized nothing would change till I did something positive for me. Some people have set ideas when it comes to counselling. It won't work for me, I don't need counselling, no counsellor is going to tell me how to live in my own home. People in general, who may have heard from a 'reliable source' that 'I tried counselling, it doesn't work'. These people tend to put other people off the idea. Finally, after they believe in their own mind that, they've tried everything, that's when the idea of counselling, 'let's try that, nothing else has worked' finally enters the equation. Some people even then go with the notion that, 'it won't work, I'm only doing this for peace'. It quite often comes as a surprise when the counsellor actually gives them some listening time, then suggestions, not telling them what to do, but suggesting they try something. Because some people go to a counsellor with the thought that they're going to be told what to do, it comes as a total surprise when what they've been told by the 'reliable source' doesn't actually happen. Instead of looking for the motive behind this turn-around, accept it at face value, she's willing (for whatever reason) to go to a counsellor. That's the main thing. Not the reason why?

Best wishes whatever happens.

Lynda.

You make a good point Lynda. I guess what I was meaning is that I would have preferred she forgoe the abuse, isolating behavior, animosity, cruelty, insanity and torture in favour of being a reasonable human being and engaging in rational discussions to begin with. That would have been nice.

But you are right - the main thing is that she's willing to try counselling