I need some advice.

[Missunderstood_01]

Ive been in this relationship for 4 years now. We moved up to the country when my partner lost his job and my family couldnt help but his dad could. So we moved in with him. It was only suposed to be for a few months this till we both got work and could find our own place. I got fulltime work and he could not. So he was on the dole untill recently. This was then nearly a year and a half. We needed to move out of his fathers rental as it was being sold. I figured we would find our own place but he said his dad couldnt afford to live on his own. I didnt want him to come along but he begged and i agreed. Weve all signed into a two year lease and he keeps promising his dad will travel and go and we can be left alone. This changes every so often to he has to stay because he is to old to look after himself and he is too depressed. This id a man that only now after years of crime, alchole abuse and dug abuse thats decided to somehwat take care of himself. I grt it's his father but i didn't sign up to have him around 24/7 because he abuses smoke all the time he wont have anyone around to look after him. Ive tried to get along and ive tried to be ok with it but my biggest problem is, I'm in this relationship with his son not him. I want his son my partner around. I cant be myself with someones parent around 24/7. Hell i can't even do anything without it being wrong becauae its not what he would do. His dad dispite knowing how i feel wont leave. Threatens too when we ague but wont leave. Ive even asked if i could move out into my own place but if i do that then he says i dont care or love him and just want to leave. We argue so much money is tight and even harder to watch when he goes out of his way to pay for stuff for his dad then has the nerve to tell me off if i dont have money to contribute more. I know its his dad i get that but why csnt he do this in his own home? I'm so upset all the time and i hate coming home because i know ill see him and hes always running around doing shit for him. I just want to know if I'm overeacting or if what im feeling it ok.

[MissBenthos]

Hi Misunderstood,

You are not over reacting at all. You even tried to give it a go when it wasn’t your ideal situation. How rude can these people be to then tell you that you’re the bad one for wanting out, sounds manipulative to me.

Relationships are a 2 way street, if all you’re getting from it is a headache it surely can’t be worth staying for. As you say - you’re in a relationship with the son not the father. You don’t owe the father anything, he should be thanking you for being supportive and yet he’s degrading you?

It’s really thoughtful of you asking to leave but for your own sanity I don’t think you should be seeking permission to leave. You can still be in a relationship without living together. You can still be in a relationship without shared finances. If you need to find someone to replace you for the lease do it. I wouldn’t want to stay trapped in that situation for another second if I were you. If a relationship is taking more from you than giving you it’s not worth it. If your partner isn’t ok with you moving out that’s his problem and his decision if he wants to keep a relationship with you or with his dad, or figure out his own method to keep both of you happy. That decision shouldn’t be one on your shoulders.

You’ve stated your needs, your partner needs to respect them. You don’t have to be part of the fathers life if it’s not good for you. Family should not be allowed unconditional love at the expense of your happiness.

[MissBenthos]

It may be helpful for you to look into boundary setting and maybe seek out professional help if possible to help guide you through this.