I need help

[Peter01]

Hi,

my partner and I have been together for a little over a year now, we got together before that but I was not in a good place myself and treated her terribly...we broke up and when we saw each other again that spark was still there and we hit it off. I told her I would do everything in my power to make it up to her and I'm worth a second chance. We have been plagued with problems through the last year, medical issues, kids behavioural issues, ex partners making things hard, financial worries just to name a few. again I have not been easy to deal with because of my wanting Her to always make me feel better and say the right things, she obviously had her own issues and was not Able to give me what I needed so we fell into the Pursue-withdraw cycle instead of me at the time being able to say "hey this is the woman you love and you need to start working together and supporting each other"

we used to have a crazy good sex life and I've always missed that, in the past 6 months there have been 2 occasions where we have gotten pretty drunk and later that night in bed she has initiated something sexual which I responded to but in fact she was more or less asleep and does not remember that.

she has lost all trust and thinks that I could do this to her at any point, I think it had scarred her so badly she now has drepression. It all came to a head recently when she told me she thinks of it everyday and it's too hard for her and she does not want to be with me anymore. I love this woman more than anything and would do anything for her....In he past 2 months I have tried to make it all about her, cooking ,cleaning , foot rubs just constant attention to show she is worth it but it has not worked.

can anyone help?

[White_Rose]

Hello Peter

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I think your post would be better off in the Relationships forum where it would be more easily seen by those with expertise in this area.

No matter what the reason it must be hard for your partner to relax with you when she is afraid of what may happen. You have both been through some difficult times together and this is hard enough when everything is going well between you. When the relationship starts to break down it must make everything else feel so much worse.

It seems to me that you both need to build trust between you again. It's probably not going to happen just because you say you will not do that again. You can both decide not to drink so heavily in future that once you are asleep you have no knowledge or memory of anything done at that time.

If this relationship is going to last perhaps your best move would be to get some counselling. You can start with your GP and get a referral to someone. Or you can contact organisations such as Relationships Australia and make an appointment to talk about counselling. Whether you attended separately or together is something best determined by you and the counsellor.

It would also help you to see a psychologist or psychiatrist on your own about your specific issues. It is unfair for you to expect your partner to be the person to hold you up especially when she needs support and comfort. I suspect the the episode you describe may have been seen as by your partner as a way of gratifying yourself because you were upset.

I hope that has given you something to think about and I would be pleased if you continued to write in here.

Mary

[geoff]

hello Peter, what people do and say when sober compared to when they are intoxicated will vary so much, and even when someone says something when they have had too many drinks they may not agree or refuse to even accept the fact when they are sober.
She initiated something sexual which would normally go beyond her boundaries and by being intoxicated can do this, but when the alcohol wears off then feel guilty, embarrassed and probably ashamed and fearful of it happening again, so now her trust in you has gone into forming depression.
Encourage her to seek counselling by seeing her doctor, but it may take her awhile to open up about what happened, maybe she won't but even if she mentions it in broad terms, then the psychologist will work out that something has upset her.
Try and suggest a women's sexual counselling which her doctor should about, and be there for her, you love her and slowly build up the trust you once had, but try not to overwhelm her too much all of a sudden, it has to be done gradually. Geoff.

[Sophie_M]

Thanks everyone for your helpful contributions. As this discussion has since begun in the Relationships forum, this thread will now be closed.

The new thread can be found here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/how-can-i-mak...