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I made a stupid mistake, didn't mean to and now I feel really hurt and blindsided, I feel like such an idiot and want to hide from the world

pinkflower95
Community Member
To try and keep this brief I met a guy at a bar he did the whole asked for my number thing and wanted to date me etc and we hooked later that night, fast forward a few weeks in and both of us decide that we aren't looking for a relationship, he decided that he wants to move back to the city and come to a conclusion to be friends instead. I later confess to him that I liked him more than just friends and asked if we could do friends with benefits thing, he replied with a small smile and said he would think about it - I even said to him that he didn't have to say yes to it or even answer that question if he didn't want to. Fast forward to a week or so later maybe and he said we can have sex , he did when we met that he is an anxious texter, can be blunt and has anxiety and bipolar (submania), I also have anxiety and can be a bit anxious with texting people too so we didn't really text each other too much. Anyway before Lock down 6.0 occurs we catch up after my shift from work this time in my car as the pub was shutting so we chatted away in my car about random things, having a good time, laughing, etc, and he kisses me a few times, during our catch up he also grabs my hand and puts it on his torso and later on his scar above his eyebrow where he was telling me about how he got it, later on he also was putting his hand on my groin near my crotch, which I was OK with since we had already done foreplay stuff with each other before so I wasn't offended by it or anything. Later that week lock down 6.0 happens, during the this period we spoke over the phone once (to which he texted me wanting to chat as he was feeling bored, which I was ok with, I didn't mind having a chat) during the convo I asked if he was still OK with the whole FWB thing as I was feeling nervous to which he replied 'yes I am OK with this, do you want me to put it in writing for you'not in a bad tone or anything, just in a normal manner. During the short time of him being here he never really texted me to initiate the FWB thing and plus with 2 lock downs happening both of us being busy with work, it didn't happen, plus me being a virgin, being nervous and not knowing how to initiate this whole thing also.
48 Replies 48

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Pinkflower95~

I'm sorry this relationship did not work out. I can see you were attracted to this person - something that can happen often or less so, depending on a person's nature. You explored talk in meets after you gave him your number and then both decided a relationship was not going to happen.

Please forgive me if I've made a false assumption but I suspect you suggested the Friends With Benefits option in an effort to make him more interested and start a proper relationship.

As it turned out he was not really that keen, though he did make some initial moves , then stopped.

I can understand you feeling sad and embarrassed, and a feeling of loss as there were times when he seemed to understand your feelings.Sadly you simply weren't right for each other. It happens a lot.

Any decent relationship takes two peole who feel for each other and want to look after them. Sex is of course is there too, but fundamentally it is an equal partnership.

This does not happen all the time, and on those occasions when you feel something might come of a meeting I guess you have to take a risk - as does the other person. So it takes a little bravery to open up to another and for you to both talk of your feelings. If it works out then that risk was small in comparison to what you gain -a loving partner.

So please keep on trying, not with offers of FWB, but simply be being yourself, seeing the other person cares, and care yourself. All the rest will follow.

Patience and courage.

Croix

Thanks for your reply, at the time I asked him of the FWB thing it was because I felt safe with him and he knew I was a virgin so I knew it wasn't an issue for him (or perhaps so I thought, I don't know what to think anymore) I just wanted my virginity gone so it is not hanging over my head with dating (even though I can still find a random stranger to do it with) and I felt comfortable doing so with him. I don't know why but I.had a lot.of anxiety when I had that convo with him, like a lump in my throat kinda thing and if I didn't act on it I wouldv'e regretted it, but perhaps I shouldv'e sat with that anxiety for a bit longer and sought more advice from other people and just let it pass and forgot about it. I feel so stupid, I have no idea how sex works, clearly he does so perhaps that is why he cut ties with me. Perhaps I shouldv'e stated why I wanted to the FWB in the first place (to lose my virginity and get it over and done with) although I did say to 'get it over with' but it couldv'e been taken another way. Perhaps you are right in saying that I felt hopes of it developing into something, even though I completely understood and accepted what he meant in not wanting a relationship and understood. I wasn't holding that against him or anything. I feel really dumb as I usually don't make decisions so quickly, i usually sit with a decision and seek more advice but perhaps it was the anxiety and not sleeping thing that made motivated me. I feel hurt that I caused him to feel offended and wish I could explain myself but he blocked me but at the same time maybe it was for the best that it ended that way. It is still fresh so who knows what to think. If he didn't want ti do it then that is fine, he couldv'e told me, if he didn't to be friends than he couldv'e told me, if he didn't want to see me at the pub then he couldv'e just said so. I wouldn't of cared although I no doubt wouldv'e felt a bit sad deep down but I wouldv'e respected his decision and let it be. Why couldn't he just tell me?? I have so many thoughts and an confused about everything my feelings included and also feel hurt and humiliated

pinkflower95
Community Member
I don't know how this stuff works and I really shouldv'e sought more advice than what I did(stupid me, I'm so dumb and naiive). I hate myself

He never gave me a definitive answer if he didn't want to do it. Fast forward to this week I hear that he is leaving to head back to the city, we agree to catch up and I ask him in a nervous tone (as I been nervous which I mentioned to him during our convos) if we can do this FWB to which he nervously laughs a little, me thinking he is just laughing at me for being nervous not thinking he is brushing it off. I later ask if he would be ok with condoms being used to which he replies, 'yeah I was
thinking of we should probably use them' I will take care of it, etc.
Later that night he texts me an excuse to say that he needs a rain check and that he can't do it, I reply thanks for letting me know and if
would tomorrow be ok? I then never get a response and find out he has blocked me. I don't know what I did wrong but I know I did something wrong. Why couldn't he just tell me if he never wanted to do this in first instance? I spent weeks on end feeling nervous and anxious about this is going to work and waiting but when I ask him he tells me he was ok with it and on another occasion he kisses me in my car?? I feel so stupid and I didn't mean to hurt any ones feelings and ruin a friendship
(we had good convos together and told me some good things about me, for the first time in my life I felt that I was understood by a person and that we had common ground)

I feel confused and hurt and want to never face the world due to my stupidity and naivety

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Pinkflower, sometimes you don't even think about getting advice when you're caught up in a situation, and when you're apart you may have other thoughts that you believe you need to deal with and want to keep private.

Geoff.

Pumpkinella
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi pinkflower95,

I hope you are okay sounds like a really hard time emotionally. I just wanted to say not to feel stupid or naïve. You did nothing wrong, you were direct about what you felt like doing and there is nothing silly or stupid in what you asked.

I know that sex is not something you know much about or have experience in but there is nothing strange about that. It sounds like you are trying to get it over and done with but just remember that there is also nothing wrong with just waiting until the right opportunity presents itself, you don't need to force anything. Of course this is your decision in how you want to go about it but I just want to reassure you, you are also great just the way you are!

Perhaps the reason you might feel confused is because he is not really being straight with you. Unfortunately I have been confused by many a man! and its always because I am left trying to figure out what they are thinking because they are not being open and communicative. There could be a million reasons why. It may however mean that you cant continue with that kind of arrangement with someone that is confusing you or that you feel is not being honest. I think FWB arrangement may require that. How do you feel?

I hope you are feeling okay today.

Love

Pumps

Our biological urges can make us say and do some pretty impulsive things - love is an incongruous mix of selfishness and selflessness as our physical needs shout down perspective and awareness of our own actions and the sensitivities of others.

If you have done something silly, you most certainly won't have been the first (or the last), so cut yourself a break and use your experience to build confidence - anything done from FOMO will usually carry an aura of desperation (and some feelings of being used).
There are so many signals involved during attachments which override anything we try to convey with our limited means. Perhaps a little impetuous, but no need to hate yourself or cease trying.

To help process your thoughts, replay what transpired with roles reversed. How would you have responded/felt in this situation?
Always remember that 'lump in your throat' - it is trying to tell you something is not quite as it should be.

Thanks for your response. I think I was projecting desperation unto him and I wasn't aware that I was doing this, or perhaps maybe I was aware?? As I look back. How can I be so stupid and why am I desperate?

Maybe you're being a little too harsh on yourself.

All these lockdowns, workplace stressors, and the prospect of departure, can find you cutting corners in the usual romance/courting facade to just 'make a space' instead of letting things build naturally to where you can both feel comfortable. That's where this sense of urgency might send the wrong messages - 'hey, I'm not desperate, but we all have deadlines to meet so let's get a move on, huh?'

Come to think of it, he sounded like a nice guy - the fact that you weren't taken advantage of and then left stranded NC, suggests his intentions were noble (notwithstanding shabby on the communication - guilt, embarrassment, timing, finding the right words?). I think you picked up on that too which would only compound any sense of impetus to lock in a connection - yep, I can understand that.

Blocking suggests he feels bad also, and can't face the situation... at the moment. Who knows, this may only be a hiccup along the path to something more meaningful? Keep an open mind free from blame and carry on with your life - things work out, and sometimes they don't. And then, some things are out of your control and not a result of anything you do.