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I'm worried about my boyfriends sexual fetish
My boyfriend of a year and a half has a sexual fetish. Hearing stories of people who have sexual fetishes don't really affect me, each to their own. But around 7 months ago my boyfriend opened up to me that he had a fat fetish. This concerned me at the time because I was not fat. However, he proclaimed his love for me and for my body then and it wasn't really touched upon much until recent months. Whenever I put on weight he says he's really proud of me and such. He constantly brings it up when we are getting intimate and grabs my stomach and sides and says how hot it is. He even dirty talks by saying stuff like "Are you gonna get fat for me?"
I'm now at a point where I'm starting to get uncomfortable when he says it. I don't mind the way I look in certain areas, I actually believe it looks nice. Some areas I'm embarrassed of but my bf always says it looks good and sexy. I've sat down with him and talked to him about how I don't want to be outside my healthy range and he says that's totally fine but then brings up how I would look good with a few more kgs on me. It sends me mixed signals. He gets upset and says stuff like "Well you don't want to lose weight do you?" and that I should put more effort in. If I can't finish a meal he gives me a nudge and says "C'mon you can" even though I could be feeling absolutely full to the brim and if I eat any more I'll be sick.
Now whenevr I look in the mirror I see a skeleton. Whenever I don't eat for a few hours I swear it feels like I've lost kgs. I don't want to leave my bf but at the same time I'm so worried I'm never going to be good enough for him.
Welcome here to the forum, it's a pretty good place to hear other people's views, which can be a great help at times.
Having read your post the thing that strikes me is not the matter of a sexual fetish, it is the problem of an unequal relationship where you are not being seen as a person in your own right, and respected as such. Instead you seem to be used as an extension of your bf and his wishes. He expects to be able to tell you want to do, and for you to go along with it, no matter how you feel, or how detrimental it might be for your health.
You say you have reached the stage where you are unhappy with your body. I guess it comes down to brain-washing, being told the same untruth over and over.
I don't think it is a question of you being good enough for him, more that he is so wrapped up in what he wants that unless you are willing to simply become submerged and some sort of obedient servant I doubt he's going to be happy. Frankly I'd imagine that would be a disaster.
I may have been a bit blunt, if so please pardon me, I would really like to know what you think about this issue.
Hello Tevr111, can I also welcome you to the forums.
Your health is important to you, but so is the love of your boyfriend, there has to be a point where you need to say enough is enough.
We all know what it’s like to eat so much we feel uncomfortable, think that we're not going to eat again, and all our clothes are too small so it costs money to purchase any clothes, either new or from the op shop.
You're not forcing him to do anything, but he's telling you to eat more, what if by chance you asked him to do something against his will, would he do it?
There has to be a balance between what you want and what you are told to do.
I know you love him, but if a mishap happens and you separate, how are you going to feel?
I believe there's nothing wrong with having a fetish unless it's going to impact a person's mental and/or physical health in some way. In this case, sounds like both states of health may be at risk to some degree if you continue on the path he seems to insist you travel upon.
It's important to remember that body chemistry doesn't just impact the way we feel physically, it can also impact us mentally. For example, with serotonin being labelled as 'the happy chemical' (promoting happiness) a lot of this is found in our gut and is therefor dependent in a way when it comes to what we eat. Several of our mental health chemicals/hormones are also influenced by exercise, among other things.
Being what some would regard as 'a big gal', I can tell you of some of the long term physical impact when it comes to carrying excess weight: It becomes a little harder to breath at times (lungs and heart have to work a bit harder), my knees aren't what they used to be and sleep apnea has become a bit of a factor with weight gain. These are just a few issues. Others experience more complex issues.
I am concerned for you tevr111, especially if your partner won't come to factor into your relationship your state of health (physical and mental). This would tend to make things more about him. I would advise that you give the situation some thought before continuing on this particular path, a path that has the potential to impact your self-esteem.
Take care of yourself
Everyone else has given you great advice tevr111. All I'd like to add is this -: Imagine for a moment if you flipped the weight issue around. What if you were comfortable with your body but your bf was telling you to lose weight? What if he criticised what you ate, said you were fat? What if he indicated he wouldn't be attracted to you unless you were unhealthily thin? What if a friend came to you and said their bf was saying these things to them? Would you tell them it was ok? Or would you be concerned for them?
I don't see what he's doing as anything different just because he's encouraging you to put weight on, instead of telling you to take it off. I'm fearful this is less about a fat fetish, and more about a desire to control you. Why chose someone who is not his physical type and then try to make her change? It doesn't feel good to not be accepted for who you are, and your bf - sorry to be blunt again, but I'm concerned - has no right to make you change your body, for any reason, let alone in a way that may lead to health issues later on - not to mention the effect it's already having on your mental health.
Learning to accept and love our bodies is one of the best things we can do for ourselves, and for most of us it can take years to get there. I feel like this situation is taking your further away from that place of self acceptance.
I hope I haven't been too opinionated here, but I am concerned about your body image, and the possibility of an eating disorder developing. Your health should be your priority - yes, over and above your relationship. Keeping yourself healthy and happy is more important than keeping your bf happy. I've got no problem with fetishes, it's not about that. This is about how you feel. If you don't share in the fetish and it makes you uncomfortable, it's not ok.
I wish you health and happiness, trevr111