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I’m so torn, my heart is in pieces
I’m so torn, my heart is in pieces and I don’t know what to do.
My boyfriend and I just celebrated our one year anniversary and despite the fact that we’d already bought each other a gift (the month prior) neither of us thought to buy each other cards until the day of and he only did it because he saw that I had.
We have struggled with things in the past and this is just another in a long line of issues we have had.
Some of our issues have involved his exes. I struggle with the fact that he has had so many and he’s my first. His most recent ex was a long term relationship and he helped to raise her child. The child’s name is on ornament that his mother has permanently on display.
I’d asked about the ornament before and he claimed he didn’t know and then when I asked again more recently, he opened up to me about who the child was.
I offered him a draw and he returned the favour because he ‘figured (he) should’.
I have invited him to all our family gatherings from early on and he still doesn’t really invite me. I wasn’t invited to his nephews birthday, nor really his birthday and most recently to their Fathers Day celebrations.
I got injured a few weeks ago and was essentially immobile as a result, two days after the injury I was having a horrible day and was really struggling and his version of support was to tell me he was hanging with the boys.
He lives 2 hours away and so we are basically long distance and it’s been mostly ok until recently. He is becoming drained and exhausted from having to juggle; work, friends, his parents, himself and me, in addition to personal issues. I’m becoming exhausted from things outside our relationship, my health, the long distance and issues between my boyfriend and my best friend.
They had words the other day and were upset with each other. My best friend talked to me about it later that night and my boyfriend the next day. I asked them to speak to each other and they essentially both refused. I eventually suggested a group chat and when they both agreed, I set one up. They ignored it.
In the beginning, he loved that I was passionate and a bit outspoken and now I just annoy him all the time.
I’m SO in love with him and am really, really struggling with our relationship at the moment. I’m also overly emotional and super sensitive so don’t even know if I have a right to be upset about any of this or if I’m over reacting.
I feel like I’m constantly upset or frustrated and I hate it so much.
ok, my reply will focus mainly on what I see as errors you’re making as I see several that will always hinder your relationships not just this one. But stay with me because the news is not all bad.
Many people forget anniversaries, we are human. The bigger picture is that you love each other. Putting importance and showing disappointment will strain the relationship with expectations. That’s bad. Better to plan a romantic dinner one week prior and expect zero gifts or cards.
He can’t eliminate his life with his exes. When you dated him you accepted his “baggage”. How good was it he was kind enough to help raise another’s child? And that child would have been loved by your boyfriends parent/s. Isn’t it nice they have a reminder of that love?
He doesn’t invite you to family gatherings- have you asked him why? I imagine he’d need to drive 2 hours to pick you up then 2 to back to the event, 2 to drop you off and 2 to return home. You need to consider why and ask why if you can’t figure it out.
Your input into the feud between your best friend and him was damaging. Let people sort it out and if they don’t it might over time. You can’t fix the world.
You mentioned you’re super sensitive. This is the core of your problems and acknowledging that is a great first step. Now you should seek some guidance through counseling to wind back that over reaction and anxiety so you “chill” more and learn to allow small issues to fly over your head. I’m super sensitive too, at 64yo I’ve been like that all my li. Ten years ago I was diagnosed with illnesses and began meds which had a side effect of relaxation and less judgemental focus. If you don’t get that help then your mind will always race and over think which has ramifications especially relationships because boyfriends will run away as they feel under pressure.
I gather a few more years will see growing maturity as well and some issues are a result of youth eg “hanging with the boys”. So in time and some treatment for anxiety by your GP and things will improve.
ps sensitive people are considerate and caring- it’s not all bad, in fact I embrace that quality in myself
Thank you for replying.
I understand that I am emotional and sensitive and I know that can affect relationships, not just romantic, trust me I know.
I don’t think I explained my feelings or the situation well.
I know he has a past, romantically and other wise and I accept that because it’s made him who he is. I just sometimes struggle with the fact that he has had a lot of girlfriends, especially considering his age and the fact that his previous one was very long term. I also struggle with the fact that I’m the only one dealing with this, he doesn’t have to.
When I said we have had issues because of his exes, what I meant was that I inadvertently did something that reminded him of them (I’d had no idea) and he reacted badly, which resulted in a fight both times.
Im ok with his step son being on the ornament but I’m upset that he seemed to lie about it at first. I knew from before we got together about the little boy.
In regards to our anniversary, I know people are human and we forget but a) this was our first anniversary, b) It was my first, c) we didn’t forget about the anniversary itself and d) he’d been saying for weeks that he wanted to make it special because it was not just our first, but my first.
In regards to being invited, I have spoken to him about it and that’s why I’m upset. He just didn’t think about his Nephews and then for his basically said if I wanted to come I could and then nothing. It isn’t about the driving because he knows I’ll catch public transport if needed.
My input was minimal actually. They were both really upset with each other and both talked to me about it and I told them to talk to each other but they refused. I’ve been in the middle of stuff with them since the beginning of my relationship.
What could I have done differently with regards to that?
A part of me wants to break up with him because I’m honestly so over feeling so upset and frustrated all the time.
I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, I've been really busy.
I'm so glad you explained further and it all makes better sense, this often occurs following just one post.
I rarely advise others to part ways from their partners , however sometimes it is the logical step to take regardless of the heartache involved. Sometimes the effort involved is just too much to endure to keep it all afloat. This is happening to you because he is not contributing enough for a smooth sail and not considering enough to satisfy your basic needs. Without knowing him it isn't easy concluding but if being in love with you is how he treats you then I can't see things improving. Remember, you have to be satisfied with him no one else.
Separation is a hard thing tho face but it can be enlightening if it's for the long term good.
Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Have you sat down with him and discussed how you feel like you have writtempn in your posts.
You May feel like you want to break up but you also said you love him so much.
long distance can be hard and brings up problems.
i think that if you look at all the things that are working and then things that are not working it may help you decide what to do.
Sometimes a partner may not be aware of what they are doing that upsets the other partner,
Hi my friend.
This relationship sounds very exhausting and overwhelming. I am in a similar relationship, except that I don't take my partner's poor behavior and I make it very clear that he needs to improve himself ----- or he's out. Your boyfriend sounds like he is trying to control your relationship and to keep you close enough. If you feel that he is not meeting your care needs, you need to address it with him (nice and clear) and then leave it with him to resolve himself. A loving partner never makes excuses, well, to be frank with you, healthy people don't play mind games in relationships. It not normal or healthy for someone to be mistreating their partner. If he cannot address your needs and care and support you - he needs to speak with a health professional. Focus on your health and your mental and physical wellness - your are more important than anything. Also, you may fall into a trap (if not already) of feeling insecure and in time it could even impact on your self-esteem. Please look after yourself my friend and speak to a councilor if need be. Stay strong.