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I'm so lost

Community Member
Hi everyone or anyone really. It is 2:30am & I am in tears again. My husband just woke up and started to basically tell me to get a job. I do actually work part-time at the moment and my hours just got cut in half so I haven't been feeling very happy lately. My husband works full time in a stressful job and has been working at home. I feel like he won't be happy until I'm working as much as him and as stressed as him. As soon as I show any signs of being happy, he just brings me down by telling me he does everything and has to support a whole family and how it's all up to him. He just makes me feel like nothing so I end up in tears, abs then it seems he's happy. I just don't know what to do. I just don't have any energy left.

17 Replies 17

Community Member

Hi RachyLou

It sounds like your husband is under a lot of stress. I'm not sure what you can do about that, but it might be helpful to give him (and yourself) some space. Can you go and stay with family or friend for a short time?

As far as your employment goes, you can only do what you can. Try and stay in the work force for your own sanity. You don't have to match his income, or his stress levels; do what you are comfortable with; do what your family commitments will allow; you have nothing to prove.

Hopefully things will improve when he goes back to work and life after COVID-19 gets back to normal.

If your are having problems with depression have a word to your doctor; s/he may be able to help.

Thank you. I don't have anywhere to go. We nearly broke up last year and my parents just think he's perfect and it's all my fault.
I really have nobody to turn to and nobody to talk to.

Hi Rachylou, 

We are so sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed at the moment, but please know that you've come to a safe, supportive place to share your thoughts and feelings. You've taken a really brave step in reaching out here for support, and I think Mr Paul has made a really great suggestion in discussing how you have been feeling lately with your doctor, if you feel comfortable with them. Please know that you can always talk these feelings through with our mental health counsellors at our Support Service who are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via Webchat at www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport You are not alone in this, and there is always support here for you.
We hope that you continue to keep us updated on how you are going whenever you feel up to it.

If you are not getting any support from your parents, have you thought about getting some outside help. If yes, go to your doctor and ask for a "Mental Health Care Plan". Don't let the name scare you; it does not mean you are crazy; nothing could be further from the truth.

What the plan does give you is access to Medicare subsidised help where you can talk through your problems with a professional. The service is confidential and well worth the effort.

I and many others on this forum have been where you are; don't give up. With help, you will get through this.

I just don't think I can go to my doctor and tell her anything. I don't want to talk because I'll just end up crying - I haven't stopped since last night.

I really just want to curl up in a ball in the corner somewhere where nobody can see me.

Hey Rachylou,
Thanks for checking back in with us. 
We're so sorry to hear you're upset. What’s something you can do for yourself right now? Something that’s enjoyable or relaxing?

It might be useful to link in with someone who can support you. There are a number of support services available via webchat if you prefer text communication. Our webchat is available from 3pm to 12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. The SANE Help Centre also provides online counselling, Monday to Friday (10am - 10pm) to adults who identify as having a complex mental health issue, complex trauma or high levels of psychological distress.  You might also want to check out the Head to Health website. You can find free and low-cost, trusted online and phone mental health resources here. Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it Rachylou.

Hi Rachylou

It sounds like you are in a bad place at the moment. If you want to cry let it out.

As a suggestion, it might help to put your feelings down on paper or in print. It sounds silly, but it does help.

Alternatively, if you would like to share, I and many others on this forum are willing to listen to your story. Sometimes talking to a complete stranger will put things into perspective.

Please, try and see your doctor when you are ready.

You will get through this!

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Rachylou

My heart goes out to you as you struggle with the incredible challenges you face.

I see Mr Paul's given you great points to ponder. It does sound like your husband's pretty stressed, as well as you, of course. It's incredibly tough when we begin to break down a lot of what is upsetting us. As we break thoughts down, such as 'I cant' keep working these hours under these conditions' or 'I can't keep taking the emotional abuse', venting can often be the result. It's definitely best to vent in an open, thoughtful and supportive way, with constructive communication, but this doesn't always happen. Our breaking down or breakdown can resemble an irrational vent of confusion, frustration and accusation. You mention 'supporting a whole family'. Do you have kids?

Rachylou, one of the best pieces of advice I ever read is 'Your best is always gong to be different'. This can be something that reminds us that the challenges we face play a significant part in determining our best:

  • You may be doing your best given reduced hours and the challenge that comes with less income
  • You may be doing your best to run a household that has changed under current social circumstances
  • You may be doing your best to balance your mental well being with the great expectations of your husband
  • You may be doing your best while in the state of pure exhaustion

These are all new challenges that you're doing your best to feel you way through. Glad you came here as a constructive form of management. Looking for positive support is always a great strategy.

My husband was incredibly stressed when this covid business started and his hours were reduced. I told him 'I understand you're stressed but don't bring your stress to me and the kids. We don't want it. Bring your concerns to me and we will work together toward solutions', which we did. Also helped him with ways to calm his mind and body down. We don't want to be living with that much dis-ease for too long. It's exhausting, for a start.

Wondering if you're both working to support expenses that can possibly be modified in a way. Reducing the outgoings in some way might help take some of the pressure off the need to generate a huge amount of income.

I'm also wondering whether your husband should have left his job some time ago, so as to find one that doesn't cause so much dis-ease within him. What you may be witnessing in him is the tipping point of a significant imbalance in his life.

You're beautiful Rachylou. Don't forget this!

Thank you everyone for being so supportive. I have been through so much in my life and I think it's just all finally got to me. I'm so used to just forgetting about stuff and pretending it doesn't matter.

My husband came to talk to me this morning and apologise so I was all prepared to do the same as I have done forever and move on with my life shoving my feelings away. I thought I won't come back here because I don't need it.

Then I couldn't stop thinking about what you have all said about talking to someone and I really think I need that. I need to tell someone about my life and everything I have been through. Someone that won't judge me or think I'm just being silly. Someone who will just listen. Even someone that might understand me and how I feel.

At the moment I feel like I do all the thinking and caring for others but nobody stops to ask me if I'm OK except for my 2 daughters. I'm scared about their future too and them having relationship problems because of me. My 12 year old already says she doesn't want to get married and have kids. I just feel like I've messed everything up for them.

I also have trouble functioning during the normal society accepted hours of the day. I have always been like it. Given the chance I will be up until 3am and sleep until 11am. Since I am working less hours I have reverted to these hours as it's when I feel the best. I have forever struggled in the morning and even when I get up at 7am or earlier, I find it super hard to be efficient and work until the afternoon comes. I feel drowsy and feel like my brain doesn't work properly.
My husband gets really annoyed about it and calls me lazy even though I'm up during the night doing a lot of stuff like housework and all the stuff that comes with having a house with 2 kids. I even find that I prefer my working hours to be later and often work until 1am.
I just thought it was normal to feel tired in the morning. My husband gets up at 7am or earlier and I always wondered why I couldn't do that. I have always thought it was insomnia and tried melatonin which didn't really help. The other day after my husband had another go at me for being in bed at 10am, I started researching it to see if anyone else was the same or maybe I'm just a freak. I started reading about delayed sleep phase syndrome and it all made sense. It sounded exactly like me. I sent the info to my husband but I think he thinks it's all BS and just an excuse.
I just need someone to believe me and understand me because at this stage, I don't.