I’m not sure what I’m feeling

[DavMB]

I’ve been married to my wife for 9 years. We’ve gone through many things together. For me she is a good wife, she is certainly not perfect but she is loving and treats me with respect.

I know this is wrong but if I could, I would like to be with somebody else.

She struggles with depression and anxiety. I have anxiety issues as well and we both go to therapy (separately).

She has an anxiety crisis almost every single night, she wants to eat, watch movies, she hates going to bed. For example last night she made a Pina colada for herself (I couldn’t because I had a surgery last week and can’t take alcohol because of the antibiotics) watched a movie on Netflix, and then started watching videos on YouTube. I asked her to turn off the TV (it was midnight) but she said she wanted to watch some videos.

Those crisis happen every night. She will want to buy food from Uber eats, or watch a movie and the thing is, I don’t know how to help. I am an early bird so for me going to bed early is important. Maybe I’m tired that even when she’s having therapy, I don’t see a change in that area.

Maybe I’m giving myself permission to fantasise with another person because I want to avoid the daily drama. I wonder if other couples go through similar issues.

Yesterday, she told me that I am usually distant, cold, indifferent with her. I don’t get close, not even touch her. She’s is right, I feel bad because I’m supposed to love her but I’m not in love anymore. She's a nice person to live with but I feel I’m not the person she needs.

I don't want to lose her, but I’m not the husband I used to be. I used to be romantic and here I’m not sure if that is normal because we’ve been married for so long or if it’s because a part of me wants to avoid her as much as possible.

Thanks

[Guest909]

If you're not happy, you're not happy. The question is, will you be happier the second time around?

Have you considered couples counselling?

[Emmen]

Hello DavMB,

I echo Mr Paul's thoughts on couples counselling. From what you have said, I don't think your relationship with your wife has deteriorated to the point that it cannot be saved. Both of you are going through your separate struggles and that will take a toll on each of you. Now add the fact each of you has to deal with your partner's struggles and its effects on you as well, and the situation feels unbearable.

I wonder if you can come to an agreement with her that she should watch TV or browse videos in another room, so that you can sleep early? While you may be used to going to bed at the same time, it's not a must for a healthy relationship and perhaps it's just a change you have to accept.

I apologise if this sounds presumptuous, I would also like to suggest that you ask yourself what you're really unhappy about. The issue of differing sleep times does not seem to me to be a deal breaker, and her saying that she doesn't want to sleep early does not sound like it would cause much drama. Perhaps there is more to the story that you're not comfortable sharing (and I don't expect you to either), but I do think it could help for you to explore your own feelings and discover what the root cause of your unhappiness is. Is it change that has caused this unhappiness for you? Or a desire to be in control of your wife's actions? Again, this is not something you have to share if you're not comfortable to, but do take some time to think it over. You can speak to your therapist too if that would help.

Kindly,
M

[Ggrand]

Hello DavMB,

A very warm caring welcome to our forums...

I’m sorry about what your going through...,

I don’t like sleep..I hate going to bed...I find my depressive thoughts escalate when I’m laying down trying to sleep..I now listen to sleep stories to get me off to sleep....You said your wife has depression and anxiety... which together they can be very hard to manage....I’m wondering if you’ve ever asked your wife why she doesn’t like going to bed?...Maybe there is something that is causing her some difficulty in going to sleep..,.Maybe gently suggest sleep stories to you wife...She could listen through earphone in bed..

You say your wife is a good wife that treats you lovingly and with respect...that is beautiful to hear...yet you love her..but not in love with her....

Have you thought about surprising her with a bunch of flowers and a surprise date night..something out of the ordinary to maybe bring back those old feeling you had about being romantic...

I mean you’ve been married for 9 years and I’m wondering if for those 9 years has your wife being this...or has she been sitting up etc...for a short amount of time..what I’m trying to say....Your wife is going through depression and depression can be very cruel to our minds...but it does pass with the proper help and also sometimes meds are needed to help...

Maybe as Mr Paul has suggested couple counselling may be a good option for you both....

Talk here anytime Dear DavMB..

We are here for you...

My kindest and most caring thoughts...

Grandy..