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I'm not over him...

Community Member

He left me after a year and a half - I had no idea it was coming... he did it over the phone but made sure I had a psychologist in place... He said he didn't want to be with me anymore, that I wasn't getting better (depression & anxiety). He also said he could be making the biggest mistake of his life.

I'm so angry, alone, hurt. He wanted to keep in contact regularly - to be friends... offering 'help' and 'support' (I later got diagnosed with BPD) - I felt like I kept having to turn to him constantly and do what he wanted (be friends even though I was so angry).. I gave myself the home truths that he was an angry, unpredictable alcoholic, who also abused pain killers and drugs and I was afraid of him and his temper.

I thought I was fine so I started seeing someone else… He's separated with a little toddler part time - it's all moved so quickly, and me being a step mum for the first time... the little girl has filled the void of my aching heart and he is easy to be with - a safe choice… I found out my ex partner has moved on and it is killing me. I'm hurting all over again. I asked my ex to leave me alone to move on and he has not been in contact since which is good.

But, I want to have a break from this new man I have been seeing, I'm hurt, on the re-bound obviously (but I didn't think I was) and I need space. Thoughts please? Advice?

3 Replies 3

Community Member

Dear LittleSquee.  Oh dear.  You've gone from the frying pan to the fire, as you say.  It sounds as though you still have real feelings for ex partner.  You're going to have to be strong and not lead new man on with promises you're unable to keep.  Be honest with new man, tell him how you feel and why.  You would expect total honesty, you have to give it.  The longer you let this situation continue, the harder it's going to get.  You're a bit jealous and peeved ex has moved on, that's natural.  I think you hoped ex would carry his heart on his sleeve and you're hurt he isn't.  Men don't as a rule, they tend to carry on with their lives once complications are sorted.  Was ex as bad as you said, or was that you justifying to yourself the reasons he left.  Whether it's true or not about ex, bottom line, this is about you, not him.  I'd say new relationship IS on the rebound, but you have to be the one to decide what you want.  If you want new man, full on relationship, you've got it.  If you don't you need to tell him where he stands. 

Best wishes.

Thank you for the reply Pipsy I appreciate it.

Yes, I agree that I still have feelings for the ex… I feel so awful acknowledging these feelings whilst not being able to speak with my new partner properly and it's not a conversation I want to have with him on the phone (he is away for a week)...

The truth is I am unhappy within myself for many reasons and I am still very much heartbroken. I want to take time out for myself as this is a rebound r'ship and it's not fair to the man I am seeing now.. I'm afraid but I know it's the right thing to do and be honest.

The things I wrote about my ex are true (drinking/drugs/anger), I didn't want to see these things when we were together - I guess now that we are no longer it helps to see why the relationship couldn't work out anyway.

It's a hard time but I keep telling myself that I am going to be ok and that I can get through this. Slowly but surely one step at a time, I will get myself out of bed, I will remember that I am still here, I am still alive, I will be ok.

dear LittleSquee, I'm so pleased that Pipsy has replied back to you, and I'm sorry that your post has otherwise been missed, but this can happen because there maybe so many new posts that come in which means your comment is pushed over to page 2.

I don't think that a relationship with your ex would have ever worked out, because you have to remember that the longer you stay with someone could mean the more possible it is for him to become more angry, drug affected and his drinking could also increase, and all of these vices are definitely not a good combination especially for you and being on the 'back hand' if something goes wrong for him.

If you do have BPD then this is something that will need attention and perhaps to take some medication which may also help you, so please I hope that you can go and see your doctor.

It would be great to hear back from you. Geoff. x