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I'm new to the BB Forum and looking to share my experience with in-laws

ASmileADay_
Community Member

Hey Everyone,

I want to start saying hello and thank you in advance. As much as you are here to support, im here to do just the same. I'll keep my story short as possible. I have been with my partner for 3 years. After 8 months together we moved into his parents which was where my problems began. I was in and out of contract/temp jobs which was stressful plus the additional pressure to always be around his family. Plus the gossiping and b*tching that went was doing my head in. The control that was there was unreal. It wasn't until we broke up earlier this year that I had realised how far the control went. Despite our own problems that we never sorted properly, and couldn't because of family interference, his parents were telling him to break up with me as "all they could see" was us fighting and being unhappy/miserable and so they got their wish. We were not in a good place, but we weren't like that when we lived in our own place. I did my best to be fair to everyone plus myself, and it is very difficult to become a part of another family when you had such a different way of life and upbringing. But does that give anyone a right to tell someone to leave a person? On top of that I was being talked about behind my back which to this day I am so paranoid about. After two months of not being with my SO, I re-connected with him and we have had the necessary discussions and are doing this again. Though this isn't what I want to justify or talk about...as we both know what his family is like (he is very disappointed in them too, and in himself for being so blind). My problem now is not just the fact that nothing will be the same, but it's this paranoia I live with. Feeling like they are in his ear, that I will be criticised for EVERYTHING I do. I don't care as much as I did some months ago as I have found a couple of people who are apart of the family who see my SO's parents for what they are which really helps as further support. Perhaps I'm venting and not asking for an answer, but I just want to feel normal again. Im getting there slowly. But the experience traumatised me so much. I was angry with my SO, but I hated his parents for how they expected me to explain my actions, leaving me to defend myself. It was all too much, plus the gossiping and really nasty talk about others. It's just not for me...but I do hope that one day I wont have to second guess myself.

thanks everyone for hearing me out...I'd detail so much more but cant!

D

21 Replies 21

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear D~

I don't blame you for being angry, both with your SO and with his parents. I've been in a similar situation though in my case it was my parents that were causing the troubles and my SO who bore the brunt of their put-downs, scheming and emotional blackmail.

Well D, as far as I can see it boils down to this. In any partnership both people have to put their partner before ANY others - and that includes parents. If parents are causing a problem to either person then a difficult but essential choice must be made.

Partners care for each other, want to look after each other and make sure their life is a good as possible, so your SO can only do one of two things to ensure your well-being together. Either deal with his parents so they radically change, something that is unlikely, or move away with you and in any interaction he has with his parents ensure they know you come first.

I'd be the first to admit this is a terribly hard thing for your SO to have to do, unfortunately it is his own parents, by dint of their bad behavior, that makes it necessary. The up side is if he does make this commitment your current doubts and worries will quickly go away.

I made that choice and never regretted it during many years of loving marriage.

I'm glad you have found a couple in that family that are reasonable.

I hope this give you and your SO food for thought, I'd be very pleased if you talked again

Croix

Hi Croix,

Thank you very much for your response. And you are so very right. Its unfortunate that it took an event such as breaking up for that understanding to be learned by my SO. He didn't realise just how controlling and manipulative his parents had been until I was totally out of the picture. It was extremely difficult, and I never wanted to break up with him. I love the man! But he had a hard lesson to learn and as it happens we will be moving state potentially. Not just for the purpose of getting away, but to pursue our dreams and goals, plans that we shared for so long but didn't do.

I was most upset when I found out that his parents thought I was "taking him away" from them. I'm not trying to steal him all for myself. But his mother is very much the matriarch and pulls the strings. And god only knows what else was said behind my back. Im still very sad about it, there are days I just want to cry, I remember when it all happened...I just lost the plot. I felt like not only did I lose my dignity in his parents house, I lost my pride and my self worth and it was very depressing. I'd never felt so little. On top of that I felt paranoid and that has been the hardest to overcome. I've always been a level headed person. But there I was, questioning me and who I am.

The saddest but most comforting part though, is that I am not the only person who sees his family for what they are. My SO's best mate feels just as degraded by them as I did. They pick on everyone, even their own children. It really disgusts me, so my anger is fuelled by my passionate disgust for what they say. And that includes their kids partners too. And I do have to keep my mouth shut and respect the fact that they my SO's parents. I'm appreciative that he is aware of their tactics more now than he was before.

My SO is now moving up to where I am - and he has made it clear that will be happening, so I am very proud of him.

It's very comforting to know that there are others who have had similar experiences too. Its tolling. And it was the same as what my own parents had been through. It's a shame it happens, heartbreaking if anything. But we all have our life to live and fulfil to our own means. Family will always be family, no matter where you are.

Thank you Croix, I feel not so alone

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear ASmileADay~

I'm glad coming here has been a help. I'm also very glad that things are looking hopeful.

You are not taking him him away you know, he is simply growing up.

Breaking away from controlling parents is most difficult, as I said, but the effects in terms of accomplishment, self-reliance and pride are immense. Looking after a partner is a lifetime of reward, something I've been blessed to have.

If you would like to let us know how you get on we would be very pleased

Croix

Thanks Croix,

Its funny cause I feel that as certain situations arise, I end up feeling worse about the direction that life is going.

I can use a very recent example. My SO has been looking at doing a Cert III in Plant Machinery Operations where I reside. He got all the information from the business and of course spoke with his dad about it. From what I could gather his dad basically said the usual stuff: its sh*t work, sh*t money and you will probably have a hard time getting in and will be treated poorly. I understand that parents can give advice, but that doesn't sound like advice to me.

All of a sudden yesterday while my SO and I were talking and he was telling me this, he then proceeds to say he doesn't want to come to where I am cause he will struggle with work and getting a job. He doesn't want to become a miserable person doing something that he wont get any experience in so on and so forth. So my heart just breaks that little bit more. I did my best to keep my cool but how do you not cry. We spoke later last night and boy how the tables had turned. It was all of a sudden a good course to do (according to his dad, after he read through the information booklets etc). And my SO is somewhat chirpy about applying for jobs here.

Naturally I was so dumb founded and I lost it. I said to him can you not see what is happening here? I am so confused and upset and you don't even realise the control that's going on. Its like your dads god and his thoughts/opinions make you change your mind completely. How am I ever going to trust his decisions? It just makes me feel like we just aren't on the same level and it makes me want to put up with his family, even him, less.

And all this for love? I didn't think love was meant to be this hard or difficult. I feel a greater hole in my chest every day when this stuff happens. And I resent his family for the way they are...manipulative people. Whether they know it or not.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear ASmileADay~

I'm afraid you have hit the heart of the matter:

How am I ever going to trust his decisions?

Well, if he is acting like a weather-vane responding to whatever view is current with his parent then basically you are dealing with that parent by proxy, not with a partner. If his parents were good people that had your interests at heart, inspired by love for you, then it might be livable - at least for a while. However sadly that is very far from the case.

I think you may be right in supposing:

we just aren't on the same level

He is not an independent person and is behaving as a child. Just the fact he shot down your (and presumably his) dream by saying he doesn't want to join you without discussion or apparent care for the effect on you seems to indicate your welfare is not his priority.

Then to do an about face simply on his father's say-so seems to indicate he has no ability, even on important matters - such as training and employment - to do independent research reaching a balanced and sensible conclusion. A great and very worrying lack of thought.

While on the face of it one might hope that moving the pair of you physically away from his parents might sort the matter one has to wonder if that will in fact be the case. I suspect that all the time there is a phone this problem will keep coming up.

I also wonder what would happen if contact with his parents was completely severed. While it might, as it was in my case, be the basis for his self-confidence and responsibility, I have a sneaking suspicion he might just transfer his desire to follow onto you. In that event you end up with someone who is not an independent and equal participant in the partnership, but merely an echo of you.

You know your SO, I'm just talking generally - what do you think?

Croix

Cs2h
Community Member

Dear D, i can relate in some of the things you've said because i experience something similar as well.

i'm actually waiting to be back in Australia so that i can see a psychologist to try and make me feel better again because this paranoia of always thinking they are talking about me is hard and also suffering from depression doesn't help.

Have you try speaking to someone (a doc or someone in this field) about how you are feeling? Because this feeling of paranoia unfortunately it will always be inside you since it's not like other sickness that go away after couple of weeks. But sometime speaking to someone and asking for help can help you to start feeling better about yourself.

Croix!

Thank you for your reply, it's a pleasure to have a civil conversation with someone for once.

Though I hate to admit it, much of what you have said is so true. I am worried that he will be a shadow of me as he doesn't understand how to take control of life, especially your own life. It's just an overall unfortunate situation and I hate it. For him, I am his first relationship. But he is my second. My first relationship taught me a lot, but it's very hard when you are dealing with someone who was under the control of parents but also, is now trying to flourish in their own right. Everything seems airy fairy now but I am curious to see how things unfold.

But what I will say is that, the plan moving forward suits me because whatever happens, he will either be with me or he won't. I can't expect that he will grow up completely overnight.

Im worried that I will always have this struggle with my SO. And that's not what I want. There are a lot of variables albeit. But I feel that doesn't excuse him from having the attitude he did with the plans. Which ironically, the plans seem to keep evolving. Yet I feel so relied upon for the plans. I mean yea, we are both in Victoria now. The plan is to head back to WA, he has applied for specific jobs that commence early 2018, but god only knows what will happen when it comes to an actual move.

So hard to predict the future. It doesn't help because I already feel that I haven't moved forward in life for the last few years. Although, that is due to my life choices, which I am conscious need a kick in the rear!

ASmileADay_
Community Member

Hello Cs2h!

It is always comforting when someone else has shared a similar experience. I don't know about you but I feel it is so damn heartbreaking. And yes it is very much like a sickness and I know that I wont be completely 100% myself anymore. Once someone instils it in you, its hard to shake it.

I have been spending a lot of time meditating and attending yoga classes which has really brought a sense of peace to my life. I feel the paranoia has lessened but there are days that it crops up again, and I am able to wind myself down once I let myself feel that emotion and understand it. My approach to life is more practical and holistic. I have de-cluttered my life in many ways now and I have to say it goes a long way. And I do a lot of journaling.

I did seek counselling earlier in the year, but I quickly learned that only I can help myself. My mind kept trying to reach out to the counsellor, but no matter how relieved I felt after a session, it wasn't enough. So I decided to be proactive and just sort myself out. And everyday I am getting to a happier place.

Most importantly, in thinking about what was being said behind my back, I know why things were being said and I know what they were. And I have no doubt it's still happening. Even my SO knows that he gets talked about too. Funny because he quit his job to upskill in his field of work, but his parents don't like the kids to be at home and not work. Though he is the only child who has to pay rent every week. And not to mention that he was told that I have to "support him" now as his parents cant cause they are supporting his mums niece at the moment.

Lots of problems in that family though. I just want to feel free mostly. And I will get there in good time. As will you. If you do ever need to vent something or if you are feeling low, I am here (amongst others) as support.

I hope you can get back to Aus sooner than later. May I ask where you are presently??

Safe travels and i look forward to hearing from you!
D

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear D~

You sound more in control and less affected by your SO's parents than when you first came here, so that's good. I suppose you are adapting over time and making you adjustments so you can deal with their comments and such.

You seem to me a strong and determined person with, when anxiety permits, a realistic outlook on life. I do hope when you move away from his home environment your SO finds his feet and becomes the partner you need. I'd imagine having had a lifetime in a domineering environment will have taken a pretty big toll.

Croix

Croix