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I'm married but I'm starting to wish I wasn't

Community Member
I've been married for almost 3 years, but I'm starting to feel so alone... If I'm honest we've never really had conversations that just flow since we got engaged, and I find myself getting crushes on people I spend time with at work, people who I can talk to for hours on end about anything... I don't know if we don't talk because we're comfortable or stopped trying or have nothing to talk about... I never feel like a priority at home or like I matter. I have brought this up... we end up arguing every few months and it ends up there... I just know that I've been in a place for a while, where I feel so alone whether I'm with him or not. I loved being single and dating, so maybe it's a case of the grass is greener... But I know people who actively seek me out for conversation, who will come and sit next to me and talk for ages, people who I don't feel awkward talking to about absolutely anything... I don't know what to do and I feel so guilty, but mostly I just feel alone.
2 Replies 2

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
Morning Josieell, I'm sorry that there seems to be a rift between you and your husband, because married life is so different than being engaged or just going out together, as there is always some excitement in the r/ship, many activities you want to try that you haven't previously done or continue the ones that you both thoroughly enjoy, but once you're married all of this stops after awhile, because you don't feel the need to want that same excitement, and you don't need to convince your spouse that you are doing everything to please them.
It's a completely different environment, however with some marriages it can still be enjoyable planning to have children or buying your new home and this can last for years, but for you that's not the situation.
If you enjoy a conversation with other people at work or start getting a crush on somebody else, then your marriage is in grave danger of ending.
I could suggest r/ship counselling, but that has to be agreed on by the two of you, and if one of you is forced to go then the benefits from the session won't mean much to them, and could even drive you further apart.
Now is the time when the two of you have to sit down and discuss your future, realise what maybe going wrong between the two of you, and whether you had planned for children or even want them, because within three years there is something that has caused this.
Perhaps it would be a good idea to contact your doctor for a referral to see a psychologist, because now something is happening which could lead to much deeper problems in the coming years. Geoff.

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Hello Josieell, it sounds like you're concerned about 'drifting' away from your husband, and this is leaving you sad and guilty. It seems you miss the conversations you used to have before you got engaged, and those conversations contributed to you feeling valued and an important part of your husband's life.

It makes sense that if you aren't feeling loved at home, you would start to gravitate toward people who are providing you with the attention you desire.

You describe a feeling of being alone a lot, regardles of whether you are with your husband, which begs the question - what connection do you think you can draw between these 'crushes' and that feeling of being wanted? How much of it is about the person who is paying you the attention, and the attention itself? It's interesting that you contrast the experience of being married, where you focus on one relationship, to dating, where it is common to have the attention of many (if you're popular!).

It's natural to want to be validated by others, but sometimes we can crave this kind of validation because we are unable to provide it for ourselves. This is something worth exploring, because if you find that you are unable to feel good about yourself without being validated by others, it will have an effect on all of your relationships going forward, friends and family as well as your spouse.